The new year does not disappoint with its anxiety inducing ritual of making resolutions. Perhaps it is half inspired by the Instagramable moments of Christmas cards that recently shuffled from the fridge to the dustbin. Just when we have learned about the vacation that we didn’t take — but that a good friend or a far-off cousin did — we are forced to make goals that we hope to celebrate in our own holiday cards 11 months in the future.
But what if we thought about the new year with more personal goals? Say building stronger relations rather than chasing resolutions?
When I look back at the previous 12 months, there are plenty of instances where I checked off something on a bucket-list or achieved noble, but ultimately self-serving growth. What matters most, however, are the ways in which I deepened my relationships with my son and daughter.
Mind you that I didn’t set out with that goal at the start of last year. These deep bonds developed as a result of unique opportunities, relishing the immediate joy of moments together, and considering the long-term benefits of closer family or friendly ties.
First, let’s approach the incomparable value of unique circumstances that allow us to grow closer to family and friends. I can think of two this past year.
In May, my wife and daughter went on a “once-in-a-lifetime” trip to Europe, leaving me and my 9-year-old son behind for two weeks.
My son is as kind, gentle and handsome as you might imagine. He has my deep, blue eyes and shocks of autumn brown hair that lighten in the summer. He also lives on the autism spectrum, something that has preserved his wholesome goodness and endeared him to those that meet him.
Since school was out during the family trip to Europe, I became familiar with his daily rhythms. He’s incredibly sociable and lives for his friends, the lot of whom run free in our “Leave it to Beaver”-like neighborhood — the kind that are disappearing with alarming frequency.
I’d sit on the porch and watch him and his friends play their games outside.
Over the course of two weeks, something remarkable happened. I gained his trust. I was able to show him how much I cared about his happiness just doing the simple things. Like going to get burgers even though Mom might not approve of our frequency of visits to Burger King.
I also learned that I didn’t need to raise my voice with him. He’s a good kid, with quirks like I must have. It was the best two weeks I can remember in recent memory. We bonded.
As fall came around, my daughter began her last year of college. In order to save money, she moved back home. Our schedules made it so that we could carpool two days a week.
Those daily commutes — she attends school the same place I work — were celebrations of our favorite music, favorite soft drinks, and prelude to not a few lunches shared together between our coming and going from campus.
Both of those opportunities will pass, but the deepened ties will endure.
I mentioned that cherishing the joy of those moments is a second benefit of making New Year’s relations a priority over New Year’s resolutions.
I’ve cut back on how much I’m away from home, not because of any sense of duty, but simply because those unique experiences I had with my kids made me enjoy being with them that much more.
While we should be active in our communities, we should be more active and present within the walls of our homes.
Finally, I can’t stress the long-term benefits that will surely stand long after the year is gone. To think of it, I’ve still got one more semester of intergenerational carpool and at least nine more years of my son at home.
I can’t wait. My place on a civic organization will until another season in life.
Evan Ward is associate professor of history at Brigham Young University, where he teaches courses on world history.