Sometimes death surprises us.
The first time one of our children died, 30 years ago, we were completely blindsided. We had no idea how to plan a funeral, nor did we know all of the many small things that can play a part in that planning.
The brain fog of grief and shock made even the simplest decisions excruciatingly difficult. Our daughter Alexandra had Down syndrome and was still in diapers when she died at age 5. I spent the days between her death and her funeral agonizing over whether I should put a diaper or panties on her — or nothing at all under her burial dress. In the end, we went with panties. I spent more than an hour staring at jewelry, trying to decide what the perfect necklace would be for this sweet daughter of ours.
Sometimes death is expected and can be prepared for.
The second time a child died, also a daughter, we were ready. Well, not ready, but we had been preparing for that day since she was born, 17 years earlier. It was, to me, the perfect funeral, because we had time to think about what would make it special and meaningful for us.
We held a wake in our home, with her body in the casket my husband had made for her. Her empty wheelchair stood nearby with words from the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.: “Free at last, free at last.” The lining of her casket was white satin, embroidered with the handprints of her siblings. They all had time to write notes and bury them with her. I made her dress. My daughters helped me dress her and do her hair. After the funeral services, we stayed in the church to greet people who had come to pay their respects. At the cemetery, we stayed until they had lowered her casket into the ground and covered it with dirt.
But, even with personal experience to show me the difference between unprepared and prepared, it’s difficult sometimes to make our own wishes known for what we would like to happen — including legal details — if we were to die unexpectedly, or “get hit by a bus.” Side note: My own great-aunt did die when she was hit by a bus as she was crossing the street in Provo. True story.
After a health scare last year, and realizing we had nothing in place were I to die unexpectedly, I went searching for some guidance. I found a book called “In Case You Get Hit by a Bus: How to Organize Your Life Now for When You’re Not Around Later,” another one called “I’m Dead. Now What?” and “A Beginner’s Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death.” There are also a bounty of resources on the internet, including Pinterest and Etsy. Am I now ready to die, knowing that my family will know my wishes — and my passwords? No. But at least I know what I need to do.
If you’re ready to at least start thinking about what you need to have ready before you or a loved one dies, here is the list I’m working on. Also, I am not an attorney, nor do I play one on TV. Please consult with the appropriate legal experts as needed.
First, do you have a will or a trust? An AARP article from a couple of years ago notes that only one-third of Americans have a will or trust set up. Of the two-thirds who do not, 40% say they just haven’t gotten around to it. Some questions to address: Who are you naming as executor of your estate? Do you have minor children? Who will become their guardians if both parents were to die unexpectedly?
Gather all your medical information, including the names and phone numbers of your providers, current medications, advance directives allowing another person to make medical decisions for you and a living will, with your health care wishes for prolonging life or not, including whether or not you want to be an organ donor, and your wishes on Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) orders.
You will also need to think ahead about all things digital. Who has or will have your passwords to all your accounts, including bank accounts, email accounts, social media accounts and cryptocurrency accounts? Do you use a password manager? If so, you only have to remember one password. Do you have a website? Do your loved ones know how to access the web-hosting account? Do you share digital account access with others, like a shared Google folder for photos, recipes and recipes? How will your social media accounts transition after your death?
Then there are the legal documents, including insurance policies, beneficiary information, mortgage information, property deeds, birth certificates, marriage certificates, adoption records, military records, automobile titles and other important documents.
Finances are an important category, of course, and includes information about bank accounts, including account numbers, passwords, beneficiaries, safety deposit box information, a list of bills due (including which ones are on auto-pay), an accounting of money owed to you, Social Security information, retirement accounts, memberships that need to be canceled, credit card information and investments.
When I had a serious health scare last year, my husband and I realized later that we had no plan for contacting people. Some of our own children didn’t see a group text that I was in the ICU, and were surprised to find out later that it was pretty serious. So, make plans for a phone tree. How will your friends be contacted? Immediate family? Extended family? Neighbors? Don’t rely on social media. The algorithms will not reliably know who to show the information to.
If you want to have some say over your funeral, that’s something else to include in your “If I get hit by a bus” binder. Do you have a funeral home picked out? Do you want to be buried or cremated? If you are being buried, what kind of casket do you want? Do you have a cemetery plot purchased? What do you want for flowers, songs, quotes or scripture passages during the service? Who do you want to speak? Who will be your pallbearers? Honorary pallbearers? What will you be dressed in? What happens to your wedding ring, if you are married? Where will you want your service held?
When I die, I want to be buried by our three daughters currently buried in Orem. I want pink flowers and a simple, inexpensive casket, and I want the songs “Amazing Grace” and “Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing” to be sung. I can’t have all of my children speak — that would take too long. Keep it to an hour and call it good.
Oh — and please let your loved ones know where they can find all of this information when needed, hopefully a long time from now.