Despite the fact that the United States is experiencing a long-term “marriage recession” — 25% of 40-year-olds now have never been married — most young Americans still believe that a healthy, life-long marriage is important to a fulfilling life.
Yet one of the paradoxes of modern romance is that marriage — which is now more voluntary, more selective, and more stable than in the recent past — is also less satisfying. An accumulating body of research is finding that too many marriages now begin at rather modest levels of quality and satisfaction, but these marriages are also at greater risk for divorce.
It’s as if we just can’t live up to our incredibly high expectations for marriage these days.
One effective way for couples to “save their marriage before it starts” and improve their relationship quality is to invest in premarital education or counseling — formal educational experiences or couple therapy that help couples deepen their understanding of each other (and themselves), improve communication and relationship skills, and strengthen their commitment to each other and their future together.
Nearly 90% of U.S. adults believe that engaged couples should invest in premarital education or counseling, and about 3-in-4 people searching for someone to marry say they would attend a free premarital education course. But attitudes don’t quite match behavior. For instance, while Utah has one of the highest marriage rates in the United States, only about 30% of engaged Utahns make a significant investment in formal premarital education or counseling (similar to the national rate).
Of those Utahns who did not take premarital education, nearly 60% said they didn’t think they needed it (and another 25% said they only needed it “maybe a little bit”).
Respectfully, I want to push back against that attitude. Getting smarter about how to build a successful marriage just makes sense. We educate ourselves for all kinds of life roles and tasks. A healthy marriage is the best predictor of overall life satisfaction and well-being that researchers have ever found. So, shouldn’t we be more serious about better preparation?
Of course, it can be hard to make a persuasive, logical case to starry-eyed engaged couples so sure their passionate love will conquer all their relationship trials. Not to mention how hard it can be to get through to the brides-and-grooms-to-be caught in the blackhole of modern wedding planning.
That’s why I’m calling on the parents of those engaged couples to be the ones to advocate for premarital education. While a good model of loving and lasting marriage may be the best engagement present parents can give their engaged children, a close second is encouragement and support to invest in premarital education or counseling. (Divorced parents, you can do this too. One of the leading reasons divorced individuals report for a failed marriage is “inadequate preparation.”)
So, parents (and grandparents), here are a few talking points for helping your engaged children understand the need and value of premarital education or counseling - organized around 4 big barriers to better preparation.
Barrier 1: Awareness
Many don’t even know that such a thing as premarital education exists — or where to find it if they do. Parents can help their engaged children by becoming more aware themselves of what premarital education is and where to find it online or in person. (Here is a list of a few options in Utah.)
Some premarital programs are free, but parents can also offer to help pay if there is a cost. Consider sharing how some earlier education could have helped you avoid some problems you experienced.
Be aware that a large body of research shows that relationship education in general, and premarital education specifically, helps increase confidence in the long-term prospects of the marriage, improves communication skills, builds higher quality relationships, and reduces the odds of divorce.
This kind of early, proactive education also models a key element to maintaining a healthy, long-term marriage: working regularly on the relationship rather than passively drifting. A couple comes away better appreciating that relationships are learning and growing things.
Barrier 2: Competing sources
Second, engaged couples often believe that they get adequate educational preparation from other sources, including family, culture, media, church, and — a big one — living together before marriage. But there’s a lot to be said about this all.
Yes, we absorb a lot of social learning in our families growing up. But many engaged couples do not have great role models for marriage. And even when they do, many children are so self-focused that they give little attention to their parents’ marriage (at least when it appears to them to be working well enough). Plus, they see little of the behind-the-scenes relationship work that makes their parents’ marriage function.
It should surprise no one that contemporary culture and media are not a reliable source of good training for the marathon of marriage. When kids grow up in a media-saturated culture that zealously preaches the gospel of expressive individualism, authentic “me-ism,” and the self-directed life, it’s hard for them to flip the switch from “me to we.”
Of course, some engaged couples are lucky enough to get counter-cultural messages in weekly church services that can help them understand that there are higher goals in life than an autonomous, authentic self. Still, religious messages tend to be at a more abstract level of eternal principles and doctrines, not always exploring the down-in-the-trenches, day-to-day skills needed to build healthy relationships.
Many young people have concluded that cohabitation is one way to learn important lessons before marriage, with more than 60% of young adults saying that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to find marital success. Yet that perception runs exactly contrary to the available data. Rather than increase chances of marital success, couples who live together before making a strong personal and public commitment to a future together have less satisfying relationships and are more likely to divorce.
While there is undoubtedly plenty you learn about another person by living with them day to day, that learning is offset by dynamics that actually make premarital cohabitation a significant risk factor for divorce (such as “sliding into” marriage rather than making a firm decision and commitment to the future).
Barrier 3: Fear
A third barrier to investing in premarital education is not a rejection of learning, but a fear of it. “What if we open a can of worms? We’re in love, we’re committed; we’ll figure it out. Why put a marriage at risk by delving too deep into (fill in the blank) before we even say our vows? We’re moving forward toward a brighter future, not stuck in a darker past.”
Well yes, optimism and hope are powerful forces and by all means bring them to the altar. But, optimism and hope can coexist just fine with thinking through real issues that can threaten a marriage. It’s true that some couples (10% according to estimates) may uncover “red flags” and decide to call off the wedding after going through premarital education together. But a disappointing end to an engagement is easier to deal with than a devastating divorce a few years down the road. Wouldn’t you want to learn those deeply painful things about your partner now? Premarital education and counseling provide a safe way to open up.
Barrier 4: Time
A final barrier to investing in premarital education is a common one: it takes time, and time is scarce during engagement when couples throw themselves into planning a wedding and a reception.
As wonderful as weddings are, they are just one day, the first one of an intended forever.
Premarital education comes in different sizes and shapes. But most are 6 to 12 hours in length. Investing that much time — especially earlier in the engagement — should be possible for all couples.
One quick note about premarital counseling. Premarital counseling with a trained therapist is a more personalized version of premarital education. Premarital counselors tailor their instruction to meet couples’ unique situations and experiences. I know several wise parents who have invested in the success of their children’s marriages by underwriting the cost of personalized premarital counseling for their engaged children. (Here is a partial list of trained therapists in Utah who do premarital counseling.)
Available options
So, parents, I hope you feel better prepared now to make an open-and-shut case to your engaged children about the value of effective preparation for marriage. But to be an effective advocate you need to be able to point them to concrete sources of help, not just extol the merits.
There is an array of options. Many churches, synagogues and mosques regularly provide free or low-cost premarital education. Commonly, these programs weave research-based knowledge about marital success with virtues-based wisdom and sacred principles about the divine nature of matrimony. (“Anxiously Engaged,” a free, online, 6-hour program for engaged Latter-day Saint couples, is an example of this. Disclosure: I’m a co-author of this program.)
There are many secular programs to choose from, as well — both in-person and online. This current generation of young couples may be especially drawn to accessible and private virtual resources. The Utah Marriage Commission’s free, online premarital education program, “MarriageREADY,” is a great way for couples to invest 6-7 hours in preparing together for marriage (and get a discount on their marriage license, too).
Parents, when your children share their exciting engagement news with you, don’t just volunteer to help them with wedding plans. Help them understand that “love takes learning.” Encourage them to build a stronger marital foundation by investing in premarital education or counseling.