Ever feel like you are (or were) failing as a parent? Welcome to the club! (And if you don’t, please share your secret!) A new nationwide Talker Research survey shows that parents question their abilities and feel like “bad parents” three times per week on average, totaling 156 moments of self-doubt every year.
My question is “only three times a week?” I mean seriously. Having kids will keep you humble, even if nothing else will. And just when you think you might have this parenting gig figured out, along comes the next child who is completely different and you get to start all over.
The study, commissioned by Celebree School, surveyed 2,000 American parents with children 11 and under and found that in addition to feelings of failure, parents of young children are also hesitant to reach out in their struggles.
The top stressor parents shared was financial pressure, with 42% calling it their most overwhelming struggle. Tied for second and third place were lack of personal time or self-care, and balancing work and family responsibilities at 34% each.
The average parent said that they came across two situations every week where they were bewildered at how to handle what was going on with their children. I’ve been there!
When our oldest was just a toddler learning to speak, he asked me for “razor ducks.” I had no idea what a razor duck was. The more I danced around the kitchen, opening cupboards and drawers, trying to figure out what he wanted, the more he cried. Eventually, I had to give up. Then, a few days later, I went to the freezer and he started exclaiming ”Razor ducks! Razor ducks!" He wanted what we call “freezer sticks,” or freezer pops. Sigh.
Multiply that experience by almost 40 years of parenting.
In the Talker Research survey, nearly 50% of GenX parents and 46% of millennials said that parenthood was a bigger task than they thought it would be. Indeed. I thought because I was the oldest of six and an experienced babysitter, I was totally prepared to have our first baby. I was caught off guard by the sheer amount of time it took to feed, clothe and soothe a newborn. It does get easier, thank goodness.
The stats that made me saddest, though, were the parents who had tried reaching out for help and felt judged for sharing. Nearly a quarter (24%) felt judged by their own parents or their partner (23%). Another 15% felt judged by their friends when they opened up about their struggles.
As you might imagine, it made 60% of those who shared hesitant to share again. I feel that. I remember once when my oldest was probably 8 or 9 and I had a handful of kids younger than him, I was sitting on my bathroom floor, crying. I called a loved one, looking for a shoulder to cry on and some comforting words. Instead, what I heard was “Well, you chose this.” I never asked for support again.
That at least partially explains why I remember those intense parenting years as pretty lonely. I didn’t know where to turn for support.
Today’s parents seem to know that we all need a community. It’s a delight for me to see my children as parents be deliberate in creating and maintaining circles of support.
“Parenting takes a village — it’s never meant to be done alone,” said Kristen Miller, director of education at Celebree School. “We hope conversations around the real struggles of parenting become more open, less stigmatized, and that families feel empowered to ask for help.”
Let’s be clear, too, that although parenting is a lot of work, can be tiring, frustrating and bewildering, it is also filled with many moments of joy. The Talker Research study said that parents laughed with their children 12 times a day. I’ve seen other articles that claim that children laugh 300-400 times per day and 40-year-olds only laugh four times per day. While I never counted how many times my children laughed each day, I know that my kids laughed a lot and their joy brought me joy. I mean, is there anything better than a baby belly laughing? Or an eight-year-old’s jokes without a punch line?
Yes, parenting keeps us humble, stretches us and teaches us. I’d choose it again in a heartbeat and I am pretty sure those young parents in the survey would too.