On Wednesday morning I woke up to a number of texts, all of them related to the announcement of Taylor Frankie Paul as the next bachelorette for ABC’s “The Bachelorette.” Paul, one of the stars of “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives,” will date 30 or so men on camera in the hopes of finding a fiancee and ratings success.
I wouldn’t say Paul and I have much in common. She’s a reality television star whose meteoric rise to fame began with a widely-covered marital scandal. I’m a humor writer eating a bowl of Doritos as I type this. But she and I do have two essential things in common — living in Utah and being mothers to three children.
In a podcast episode with Alex Cooper announcing Paul’s ascension to the nation’s most single lady, Paul stated that she will need whomever she chooses at the final ring ceremony to move to Utah.
And I can’t help but feel that the 30ish men who apply to date Taylor Frankie Paul on national television may not have a single clue what it’s like to parent three children in Utah.
Luckily, I do. So I thought it might be helpful to let these camera-hungry men know what to expect when they commit to becoming a Utah dad.
Get comfortable with indoor trampoline parks
Ninety percent of children’s birthday parties in Utah are at Jump Around Utah or Kidstopia or similar establishments. Why? No one really knows. That’s just how it goes.
This means that if your kid is four or younger, you will be spending a considerable amount of time in these places. There’s a golden age when kids are old enough to be dropped off at a party and you get to go to Costco until pickup time. But Taylor’s kids are still young, so you’ll need to plan on staying for a couple of hours. During that time you can expect a number of intrusive thoughts such as — “How many different pathogens are flying around this room at once? Do I have any hand sanitizer in the car? Is it OK if I have a slice of pizza and a cupcake or are those just for the kids? Do all of the other parents feel comfortable sitting here making small talk? Am I the only one who feels like every minute spent here feels like a full hour? I wish I could go to Costco.”
Download the Chick-fil-a app
You may think you don’t need to take up precious phone storage on an app for a fast-food restaurant but I promise that you do. You need to get your family’s orders LOCKED DOWN before you even get in the car because you do not want to pull up to one of those sweet tweens working the drive-thru and only then ask the kids what they want. You are not going to get an answer in the time most humans deem an appropriate window for placing an order. What you are going to get is a lot of mind changing. “Sprite. Wait no, lemonade. No actually, apple juice.” This will go on for a while.
And as much as those sweet teens might say it’s their pleasure to stand there patiently while you negotiate with your children on the number of chicken nuggets they claim they can eat, it is absolutely not their pleasure. And the drivers in the long line of cars behind you will start to get agitated. You don’t want that kind of heat. Get the app.
Invest in some lawn chairs
Having three children in Utah means spending your weekend bopping around to different parks watching your kids play soccer or tennis or baseball or one of each. I was recently caught flatfooted when I showed up to a tennis match and discovered the only place to sit was on the lawn and I’m still popping Zyrtecs in an attempt to recover. Learn from my mistake — get a couple lawn chairs and keep them in your car.
Be prepared with bribes on hikes
One of the best things about living in Utah is the quick access to mountains and all the accompanying activities. About once a year you can expect to get hit with the urge to take the whole fam on an adventure through our wonderful mountain trail systems. By all means, you should act on that urge. Your children will make life-long memories of this time you spent together in the great outdoors. But you should know, the making of those memories will likely include some resistance on the part of the children. Probably some whining. Probably some claims that their legs no longer work or that the walk is too far. In these moments, I find it’s best to have a bribe in my back pocket. A sweet treat. Screen time. That dumb toy they’ve been eyeing on Amazon. Whatever works. Would parenting experts sign off on this bribery? No. But sometimes you just need to get a kid up and down a mountain and, in my experience, bribes are the most effective tools for doing so.
(This same advice applies for the one and only time you will try to teach them skiing or snowboarding.)
If Paul’s season of “The Bachelorette” plays out like most other seasons, her relationship with the castmember she selects will fizzle out after a few months and news cycles. But on the off chance that she finds lasting love and her gentleman caller makes the move to Utah and becomes stepfather to three, I feel confident these tips will help him find success, or at least survival in his new role.