Last week, Hulu dropped “All’s Fair,” a new show created by Ryan Murphy — the architect behind television’s most chaotic series, including “Glee,” “Feud” and “American Horror Story” — and starring Kim Kardashian, who is not, and never will be, known for her acting chops.
The series also stars Naomi Watts, Niecy Nash-Betts, Teyana Taylor, Sarah Paulson and Glenn Close. Close has been nominated for eight Academy Awards. Watts has been nominated twice. Taylor will likely be nominated in the supporting actress category this year for her work in “One Battle After Another.” Nash-Betts has won a Critic’s Choice Award and an Emmy. Paulson has a Tony, an Emmy and a Critic’s Choice Award. It would be difficult to find a more pedigreed cast. And, for reasons that escape me, they’re all in “All’s Fair,” the worst show ever created.
That’s not a subjective opinion. It’s a fact.
“All’s Fair” has a 4% on Rotten Tomatoes and that, in my opinion, is too high.
The premise, insomuch as there is one, is that two young, female attorneys (Kardashian and Watts) and one female investigator (Nash-Betts) leave their stuffy, male-centric, high-power law firm to start their own divorce practice with the blessing of one of the firm’s partners (Close), but they do not invite the other young female attorney at the firm (Paulson) because they do not like her and female empowerment is only for the people they like.
Ten years later they’re all billionaires, I guess, because they live in mansions and have private jets and talk way, way, way too much about designer handbags. Also they like to wear gloves. Not in an “it’s cold outside and I need these for warmth” way. In a “this is a fashion choice I am making in the year 2025” way. But the gloves are not the most shocking element of any of their wardrobes. That honor belongs to a pair of pants Kardashian wears in Episode 2 (maybe Episode 3, please don’t make me check) that are so revealing in the back that they would absolutely be an HR violation in any American workplace.
“All’s Fair” is offensive on every level. Watching it feels like an assault on the senses. It’s impossible to pinpoint what is the worst part. It could be the crassness of the dialogue and subject matter. It could be the show’s misguided views on feminism (it’s OK when women cheat!). It could be the dizzying pace of the edits. But it’s probably Kardashian’s acting, or lack thereof. There is a scene wherein (spoiler alert) her husband has just left her and she’s supposed to look devastated. But she is either incapable of moving her face or unwilling to do so, so instead of looking devastated, she looks slightly bemused. Every line delivery she gives feels like it’s the first time she’s ever used words to create a sentence. I have to wonder what kind of life/career-ruining information she has on Murphy that she used to blackmail her way into the lead role on his new project.
I would love to report that the other actors shine where Kardashian flounders, but I cannot lie. Because libel. Everyone in this is doing a really bad job. Eight-time-Oscar-nominated Glenn Close is bad in this. Two-time nominee Naomi Watts is bad in this. Soon-to-be nominee Teyana Taylor is bad in this. The only actress who seems to understand how dumb “All’s Fair” actually is, and is giving a high-camp performance to match, is Paulson, and it almost works, but when it’s played against other actors earnestly trying, it’s embarrassing for all involved.
There is no stronger indicator that we have an impending global recession than these pedigreed actors agreeing to be in this absolute garbage.
I won’t be the first nor the last to pose this question, but still I must ask, how did this get made? It seems impossible that this abomination made it all the way from script to finished production without someone putting a stop to it or saying, “Maybe we should add one redeeming quality or one likable character?”
Because the show has zero redeeming characters and zero likable characters. I’m convinced it was created by a malevolent AI with the intention to hasten the downfall of humanity. And yet — I was entirely engrossed by the first three episodes.
When my youngest child was a toddler, there was a show available on Netflix called “Cocomelon.” It featured shoddy, uncanny animated children who sang old-timey songs available in the public domain. And something about the speed of the images and the bright colors and the ear-wormy tunes would put my kid into a near-trance. He’d sit still for an entire episode, watching the screen wide-eyed. I sometimes wondered if it was some type of government mind-control programming, but having a show that would entertain my kid long enough for me to take a shower was invaluable, so I never investigated my loosely-held theory.
I can’t help but feel that “All’s Fair” is “Cocomelon” for adults. It’s bright, it’s flashy, it’s full of shiny objects, its pacing is all over the place, and I can’t look away. And with this, too, I can’t help but wonder if there’s some sort of deep-state plot at play. Maybe a ploy to get us all to buy more fashion gloves.
But as with all conspiracies, I think this is just my brain trying to cope with the reality that something so bad actually exists, and, worse, that I watched it. The truth is that some shows really are this stupid. And Kim Kardashian really can’t act.