A few years ago, I had the cherished opportunity to sit with good friends as we shared dinner and happy recollections. In the course of the conversation, one friend shared a political idea that felt woefully uninformed to me.
I had a decision to make. Would I let the comment slide or would I challenge it? I could have enjoyed the togetherness. I could have celebrated the life and love that he and I had shared over the years.
I didn’t.
I challenged his statement with rather strong expressions. When he defended his position, I responded with what I felt at the time were simply direct statements of “fact.” The heated interchange lasted too long. We both left feeling hurt and defensive.
The next day, both of us apologized. But the warmth and closeness were damaged. Unfortunately, that good friend died unexpectedly some months later.
I still feel regret that I chose to be right, rather than good.
As many of us prepare to gather with family and friends to celebrate Thanksgiving, the timely words of C. S. Lewis in “The Weight of Glory” come to mind: “There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. ... It is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit.”
Our interactions together, Lewis went on to say, “must be of that kind which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously — no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption.”
Where personal reservations exist about someone else’s thinking or actions, he says “our charity must be a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner . ... Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbour is the holiest object presented to your senses.”
Truth matters. And the larger societal issues about which we hold differing opinions matter too — from democracy to morality. Yet relationships matter more than anything else. The soul of a friend is of greater worth than my opinion on this policy or that politician.
In the eternities, our opinions about tax policy and the environment will pale next to the love we have shared with those around us.
As the Civil War threatened, it was Abraham Lincoln who said in his first inaugural address, “Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.”
In the end, the thing that will make our country great is the bond of affection between us. To the extent we continue to trade off that good will for some cheap triumphalism, we shouldn’t be surprised to see our families and our nation being reduced to a squabbling mess.
When we think of the earliest settlers who gathered on that first Thanksgiving, do we really think they had no painful differences?
Surely they had disparate views. They certainly had incompatible personalities. They had discordant preferences. But perhaps especially because of their hardships, their minds were fixed on the amazing gift of life in a new land and the immense possibilities ahead of them.
I think of an observation by Irving Becker in the Readers Digest: “If you don’t like someone, the way he holds his spoon will make you furious; if you do like him, he can turn his plate over into your lap and you won’t mind.”
So, as we gather on Thanksgiving, we each make a decision. Will we be bothered by the way a brother-in-law or auntie holds their opinions, or will we cherish vibrant life and sacred relationships? That simple set-of-the-soul will make all the difference in our experience of being together.
It is certainly true that the decisions made by our policymakers matter. It is noble to care about them. And it is worthwhile to stand for truth.
In our efforts to engage these issues, unfortunately, most of us have not discovered or deployed the peacemaking discoveries of research about conflict. Differences of opinion can be negotiated successfully if we begin by realizing that each of us is biased and then acknowledge the gaps and limitations in our own strongly-held opinions.
When we start with humility and graciousness, we are more likely to end with understanding.
The late American historian Van Wyck Brooks has written: “How delightful is the company of generous people, who overlook trifles and keep their minds instinctively fixed on whatever is good and positive in the world about them.”
“People of small caliber are always carping,” he continued — describing how these people are often “bent on showing their own superiority, their knowledge or prowess.”
“But magnanimous people have no vanity, they have no jealousy, and they feed on the true and the solid wherever they find it. And what is more, they find it everywhere.”
When you gather with family and friends to celebrate Thanksgiving this year, may your heart be filled with gratitude for each soul at the table. Look at them. Cherish their unique expression of life. Treasure the blessing of knowing and loving them. And radiate appreciation for them.
No matter how they feel about larger issues in America, their worth is profound — even infinite. And the future of our families and our country depends more on the ways we value each other than on any governmental policy.
If we cherish each other, we will have a Thanksgiving to remember, a joyful holiday filled with gratitude. Our whole year will be better because we made that choice.