’Tis the season for giving — and for many families, that season comes with a side of stress. When you have a big family and a small or even medium-sized budget, gift-giving quickly becomes a puzzle. As families tend to do, ours keeps growing. This year, we have 39 family members between our kids, in-law kids and grandkids.
I’ve also learned that 39 family members is small potatoes to some of my friends. My friend Janice has nearly 200! I asked for input from some of my friends about how they handle giving gifts to adult children and grandchildren, and they delivered.
Janice said, “Each year I get an idea of how to remember each one. The cost is minor, but they know they are remembered. I ‘batch’ age groups. If someone doesn’t like his gift, he at least doesn’t like another one more.
“I’ve been doing this for so many years that it has been suggested that I publish my various gift cycles. I can’t do it during the same time as I’m shopping-wrapping-mailing-delivering.”
Another friend has 36 to shop for and said she uses the same wrapping paper for each family unit to keep it easier. Jan uses Amazon to send Christmas gifts to kids out of state — me too!
Gina suggested a gift per family and then shared what her grandmother did. “My grandma didn’t have a lot of money and she had a big family with kids and grandkids,” she said. “She would give each family something ... like a box of nice chocolates, or one year it was scriptures on cassette. She always remembered our birthdays individually with a card and a couple dollars.”
My friend Marie told me, “The last few years I have done a Christmas experience with each of the grandkids but have run out of ideas. This year I went shopping Thanksgiving weekend with half of the grandchildren. They had a budget. They could choose a gift or take the cash. Our adult children and spouses get the same sum of cash and a gift card for a favorite restaurant. We have 21 and it seems overwhelming. I am always looking for new ideas.”
Rebekah says that when her first child got engaged, she told her kids that “once kids move out for good (don’t sleep here Christmas Eve) they are only getting one gift per person and that every year it is going to be a new family shirt for that year. I design it and have someone make it and everyone chooses shirt or sweatshirt. The design is a surprise when they open it. I don’t know if they like it, but nobody has complained.”
My friend Heidi gives the gift of experiences. She calls it the “12 Dates of Christmas.”
“It’s 12 dates throughout the year that our kids could look forward to. It allowed us to spread out the cost. Some dates were things like a picnic in the mountains and some were movie tickets,” she said. She also said they keep the 12 Dates in a jar in the kitchen so they don’t get forgotten!
Evolving gift-giving
Over the years, our own gift-giving has gone through a few evolutions. In the early days, it was mostly practical. If the kids needed socks, underwear or school supplies in the fall, I’d tuck them away for December. The problem? The kids were more excited about the boxes and wrapping paper than the gifts themselves — and honestly, I found the gifts a little dull, too.
I wanted our kids to experience the joy of choosing and giving presents, not just receiving them. For a while, we hauled everyone to the dollar store and let each child pick out gifts for all their siblings — and for Mom and Dad. The upside? No one was heartbroken when the toys broke a couple of days later. The downside? A lot of gifts. With nine kids each buying for 10 people, we were dealing with at least 90 presents. It was … a lot.
Next, we switched to drawing names so each person only bought or made a gift for one family member. At first, we tried to make it a “homemade only” tradition. That sounded sweet in theory — and it was, for a while. In reality, it meant a lot of late nights for me helping kids sew fleece blankets, assemble stuffed animals or troubleshoot craft disasters. Multiply that by a house full of kids, and you’ll see why we eventually dropped the homemade requirement. We still do Secret Santa, just with more flexibility.
Around the same time, we adopted another tradition inspired by the three gifts from the Wise Men. Each child received three gifts aligned with “mind,” “body” and “spirit,” and later we added a fourth category for “fun” (aka Santa). That approach stuck with us for years. It kept things balanced, manageable and — importantly — helps me not forget anyone. (Full disclosure: I did forget a child one year. I discovered we had overlooked him on Christmas Eve, late. Thankfully, I had backup gifts — and that was the year I committed to using a spreadsheet.)
Now that all of our children (but one) are adults, we stick to a dollar amount for each one. Adults all get the same amount and grandchildren, no matter their age, all get the same amount (yes, I can see problems with that approach, but for now, it works.) This year, I suspect there will be a lot of gift cards given out. Seriously, though, we have enough stuff.
Gifts don’t always have to cost money, though. In a world full of digital noise, a technology-free day spent truly present with someone can be priceless. Offering to deep-clean someone’s car, hosting a board-game day, teaching a teen to drive a stick shift, or recording yourself reading a favorite picture book — all of these are gifts of time. Personally, I would choose that over a gift card any day.
Experiences make wonderful gifts, too. Cook a meal together and pair it with simple kitchen tools tied up with ribbon. Offer a homemade manicure or pedicure. Host a princess tea party. Choose an ancestral country and prepare a traditional meal. These are moments that last far longer than most store-bought items.
And then there’s the gift of memory. Write down your favorite childhood Christmas stories. Record grandparents sharing their memories. Create a family folklore day. Frame a favorite photo or print out a meaningful quote. Make a time capsule to open in the future. These tangible memories become priceless over time. One year, I typed up all of our favorite family recipes, put them in a Google folder and shared it with everyone. We’re still adding to it, and while it’s not fancy (no pictures, even), it has been used by all the kids.
With Christmas just around the corner, my wish for you is simple: May your days be filled with meaningful moments, shared experiences, lasting memories and a little extra peace, remembering the real gift of the season — a little baby, born in Bethlehem. He is still the Reason for the Season in my heart and home.