President Donald Trump says he is ending foreign wars, slashing gas prices, bringing UFC to the White House lawn and... throwing the first U.S. “Patriot Games.”
From the Oval Office, Thursday morning, the president leaned forward in his leather chair and delivered a surprising announcement.
“In the fall we will host the first ever Patriot Games, an unprecedented four-day athletic event, featuring the greatest high school athletes: one young man and one young woman from each state and territory,” he said.
He continued, “But I promise, there will be no men playing in women’s sports. You’re not going to see that. You’ll see everything but that.”
This announcement raises a lot of questions — none of which there are answers to at the moment.
If this four-day athletic event is to be truly American, what sport will they play? Cricket and rugby are likely to be ruled out, given our 1776 tiff with the England and the fact that the games will celebrate its 250th anniversary. Planners better steer clear of ice hockey and soccer, too.
No, we need an athletic competition that is thoroughly American. Baseball? Football? Snowboarding? Pickleball? A game of pickleball on skis, using baseball bats instead of paddles?
I, personally, would like to see a 100-person competition to see who can grill the most hot dogs, hunt the most deer and throw the most touchdowns in one hour. Everyone will be confined to a 10-mile radius in Oklahoma. I don’t know what they’d do with the rest of the four days, but whatever it is could be a lovely expansion of the Pete and Bobby Challenge.
While some are comparing the Patriot Games to the Hunger Games — and there is fertile ground for that comparison — maybe it’s not as dark as we think.
Perhaps a cornucopia set up between the Washington Monument and the Capitol Building will hold a treasure trove of squirt guns and foam bats. Instead of fighting to the death, the nation’s 14- to 18-year-olds will fight until they’re all best friends.
As it turns out, I, for one, am excited.
In all seriousness, the games will be part of the nation’s 250th birthday party
As Trump put it this morning, the United States’ 250th birthday party will be like nothing Americans have ever experienced before.
Here are some of the festivities Trump teased in his announcement:
- D.C. will illuminate the Washington Monument with “festive birthday lights.”
- From June 25 to July 10, D.C. will host the American State Fair on the National Mall, featuring pavilions from all 50 states, highlighting innovations and celebrating America’s history and culture.
- The U.S. will build the “National Garden of American Heroes” featuring the “all-time greatest Americans.”
- The U.S. will build a triumphal arch, and construction will start “in the very near feature.”
- D.C. will host a major prayer event on the National Mall to “rededicate our country as one nation under God.”
- On June 14, entrepreneur Dana White will host a UFC event on the White House lawn. “It will be the greatest champion fighters in the world, all fighting that same night, the great Dana White is hosting, and it’s going to be something special,” Trump said.