A few years ago, I was at a Christmas party when my son fell off a bunk bed and shattered his elbow. My husband worked for a few minutes fashioning a makeshift sling for his dangling left arm before we dashed to the ER.
What had been a festive and happy evening was suddenly filled with anxiety and fear. Our question was the same that any loving family member would have: what can we do to help our child heal physically and avoid lasting emotional harm from this experience?
Most of us will experience something traumatic in our lives. In a clinical sense, a traumatic event is one that overwhelms our mental or emotional ability to cope with it.
Most people spontaneously recover after something awful happens. Our relationships often carry us through these times. As a result, our ability to trust in the world and the good of those around us is renewed over days or weeks.
On the other hand, 6-8% of people may experience disturbances for extended periods and can be diagnosed with a stress disorder. While this percentage is small, it represents millions of individuals and families and comprises a significant public health concern.
In a moment where both global conflict and domestic harshness seem to be escalating, understanding how we can support loved ones is urgent.
Deeper understanding
The first step is to understand how trauma affects the brain. Like a major vein of a freeway being shut down because of an accident, neurobiological coordination in our heads can dull or even halt after a traumatic experience.
Connected with this, we may experience a kind of disconnection from ourselves and reality. Things that used to matter to us may slip into insignificance; we could have difficulty focusing or concentrating. We can feel a disorienting sense of helplessness or powerlessness.
Traumatic stress can hijack our normal thinking processes. We may oscillate between feeling numb and feeling obsessively concerned with stopping the cause of the trauma from happening again.
Symptoms such as flashbacks, panic attacks and nightmares can arise without warning and further impair our functioning. The movement of information and experience through the brain and body can become disjointed.
These effects often spill over into our relationships. We may become irritable, impatient, angry, or numb. In a visceral way, the body, mind, and spirit can feel cast out of a universe that makes any sense or contains any justice.
What makes this even more challenging, much of this happens outside of our awareness. Traumatized people tend not to be aware when the fight they’re having with their partner or loved one over proverbial spilled milk is arising from unresolved stress.
Helping our hurt loved ones
So, how do we help ourselves and our loved ones when we see these issues? Though we are not all therapists, you don’t have to be to help. Adults in family systems can often provide the loving presence that helps others recover from trauma.
In fact, relationships that are generally accessible, responsive, and engaged are the reason most people don’t meet criteria for a stress disorder after something traumatic occurs.
Keeping yourself regulated and calm, responding consistently, and repairing or making amends when things go wrong are the literal building blocks of human resilience.
As the year ends and you look toward 2026, you might consider cultivating three things to help yourself and your loved ones: availability, consistency and the ability to repair.
Being consistently available
In our hyper-distracted era, being available is one of the most difficult qualities to develop. Most of us carry anxieties, to-do lists, and demanding work and family lives. Smartphones don’t help the situation. Our busy or distracted demeanor signals “not available” to family members in need. But to be available, we must be willing to put down our phone and intentionally create spaces where we can be calm.
Just the other day I was working in the kitchen with my three young children, all of whom were clamoring for my attention. At a particularly busy moment, my 3-year-old daughter shouted, “Mom! I need YOU to listen to ME!”
It was my job at that time to slow things down, dial down the chaos, and make a personal connection with each one of them. This isn’t always easy to do, but doing what it takes to be available can play huge dividends in the long run.
Even if we can’t stop what we’re doing in the moment, you can come back later and ask something like, “I noticed you were trying to get my attention earlier when it was hectic in the kitchen, what did you want to tell me?” That can go a long way to strengthening family relationships.
Positive, consistent habits
Creating consistency will also help you and your loved ones. We may not realize it, but our habits around when we go to bed, when we eat, and when we move can all have a big influence on the body’s stress load.
Predictability and routine can create anchors that reduce the number of decisions we have to make — and with that, our stress level.
Automating our patterns and rhythms means that we don’t have to expend extra energy on these tasks and thus have more to offer our loved ones.
Simple steps like fostering a regular bedtime, mealtimes, and routine are soothing. Engaging in the simple rituals of love that we often do intuitively like a hug and kiss when we part ways help to tell our bodies that things are safe here and now.
Firm and kind boundaries around time and energy for both ourselves and our children are also essential.
Repair, repair, repair
Lastly, being willing to repair is a key part of relationships. Repairing in this sense just means trying to fix the little things that so often go wrong in relationships.
Sometimes we say more than we should, sometimes we don’t say enough, and sometimes we do something rotten. The opportunities for offense and hurt are endless.
Having a good relationship doesn’t mean never making a mistake; it means consistently choosing to repair damage when mistakes are made.
My husband does most of the housework at our house. He does the laundry, gets our three kids ready for school, and even has a hot-glue gun sitting on the counter to fix the next thing one of our kids breaks (which is almost every day).
One day, we were both feeling maxed out and stressed. I asked if he would take out the trash and he shot back, “You could take out the garbage, too.”
That stung, but what was most important was what happened next. Within two minutes of saying this, he came up to me and sincerely apologized, acknowledging it had hurt my feelings. Because he repaired it right away, the damage was neutralized, and the tension over the exchange melted.
Repairing must be a priority in our relationships. Letting problems simmer for days or weeks can take a toll on the emotional health of a home. And if you are thinking, “my spouse really needs to read this!” take a pause and think of how you can start the cycle of repair.
Our loved ones are much more likely to take responsibility for the problems they make if we take responsibility for ours. Be the one to make the first move toward repairing the relationship.
If you find yourself struggling to be available, consistent, or feeling able to repair the mundane quarrels that show up in your relationships, don’t be afraid to seek the help of a qualified therapist.
Traumatic events are trying; it can feel like you’re swimming against a strong current and not making much progress. Let’s start the new year with a deep breath of hope; investing in our relationships in everyday ways makes us all stronger.
— Daniel Frost, Associate Teaching Professor in the BYU School of Family Life, contributed to this commentary.