For much of my adult life, I would wake up with a pit in my stomach and the familiar thoughts in my head: “Is today my last day? Can I hold on until bedtime without having a lapse?”
Even though I was fairly good at sobriety, the narrow behavioral fixation drained my energy, and I felt hopeless. The worst part was that I didn’t see an end to the struggle.
On the outside, everything looked fine, but on the inside, there was a dull undertone of shame, misery and fear. I felt consigned to a life of white-knuckling it.
But as I’ve learned for myself, pornography can be overcome for good. There really is a path to full recovery.
But if sobriety is the sole focus, rather than true and deep recovery, we can remain trapped in the problem instead of finding lasting freedom from it. For a long time, I never felt true healing — assuming that sobriety alone would get me to a healthy place.
What kept me stuck
For years, I took for granted several myths that kept my struggle going. But since then, I’ve learned truths about recovery that have helped to free me:
Not just sobriety
Some assume that sobriety is essentially the same as recovery. But that’s simply not the case. Sobriety has only one metric: how long.
By comparison, recovery measures how deep. In a process of lasting recovery, you dig deeply into your past to heal and reframe faulty core beliefs and experiences.
Sobriety is about how many marks are on the calendar between lapses. Recovery is about working through the unresolved pain that haunts you.
Not forever
Sometimes you hear people suggest, “Once an addict, always an addict.”
But this is not a life sentence. Once you’ve made peace with your soul, you no longer need to escape from it.
Stop resisting persistent emotions and start understanding them so they no longer battle inside you.
Not just willpower
I believed that if I was strong enough or if I could hold on long enough that everything would eventually resolve. But I soon learned that willpower alone could not solve the issue for me.
Trying to “will” my heart not to feel is a bit like trying to “will” my lungs not to breathe. Instead of resisting the painful emotions in my heart that influenced the unwanted behavior, I learned to place my pain at the feet of Christ and use His atonement to help me make peace with the emotions I was trying to hold inside.
What helped me
Whether you’re struggling yourself or are a parent or spouse struggling with the repercussions, there is hope — and I mean hope for a life without the daily struggle. There really is a way to unchain your entire family from this struggle.
It can help to educate yourself about the truths of recovery by dispelling myths and stigmas. Conferences such as the upcoming UCAP conference provide a safe environment for individuals, therapists, religious leaders and community supporters to discuss topics like “Healing the Heart Beneath the Habit,” “The Anatomy of Shame” and “Recovery vs. Sobriety.”
For me, understanding the difference between guilt and shame is a critical element in the recovery process. Shame feeds unwanted pornography viewing by reinforcing three things: silence, secrecy and judgment. Viewing pornography is rarely talked about openly (silence); it’s done in a private place with no one around (secrecy); and it is often looked down upon more than other vices (judgment).
I came to understand that with God’s help, I could change the message to healthy guilt. I started to understand what Brené Brown meant when she shared that guilt tells us we made a mistake, while shame tells us we are a mistake.
When I surrendered to God and embraced the beautiful emotion of healthy guilt, I could finally let go of shame, take accountability, repair and develop healthy habits.
Action steps
Here are some steps to help move anyone toward deeper and more lasting recovery:
- Compassionately reframe the emotional triggers or past beliefs that keep tripping you up.
- Trade secrecy for support. Stop hiding. Tell a loved one or religious leader about a lapse, then ask yourself what events and emotions came before the setback. This is where the emotional digging begins.
- Treat a lapse as data, not identity. Have compassion for yourself as you start to understand yourself on a deeper level.
- Get sleep, proper nutrition and exercise so your body can support your emotional health.
Today, I am filled with peace and confidence knowing that I have the skills to deal with the emotions that are part of normal life. I can love who I am.
I am free from the compulsion to view pornography and free of the misery of the constant battle. I no longer have to resist what’s inside because the compulsion is gone. My time and energy are now spent living life rather than trying to avoid it.
Recovery is possible and available. I promise you that. Don’t give up!