Happy April Fools! The stars have aligned so that the publication of our column coincides with this holiday. Some postulate that the idea of this fun event originated from a festival in ancient Rome that emphasized humorous pranks. (Of course, Frank loves this theory.)
As a service to our readers, we are taking advantage of this wonderful opportunity to create political headlines with their subheads that many politicos would love to see, but will never happen. So enjoy!
Trump admits to multiple mistakes. The president acknowledges personality flaws and enrolls in charm school.
Congress to end Easter recess early to solve TSA airport crisis. Lawmakers agree that partisan bickering is unfair to millions of Americans.
Sen. Mike Lee arrested for refusing to show ID at library. Senator in handcuffs overheard shouting, “The right to read without proof of citizenship is my constitutional right! Give me historical fiction or give me death!”
Sen. John Curtis makes a rambling, irrational statement. Senator’s staff claims unprecedented occurrence caused by talking while eating.
Gov. Spencer Cox blasts political opponents in savage smear campaign. Governor states being disagreeable when disagreeing is more fun.
Attorney General Derek Brown places a proposition bet with Gov. Cox on the Jazz draft. Attorney general and governor moving fast to avoid new laws.
Heath and Human Services secretary admits to drinking Red Bull to wash down a hot dog. RFK Jr. dismisses nutritional quality, preferring energy and taste.
Diet Coke consumption drops in the Beehive State. Many Utahns are convinced of the health hazards of too much cold caffeine.
Utah congressional delegation to hold cage fight town hall meeting. Right- and left-wing activists to wrestle, not argue, to settle their differences.
First Congressional District Democrat candidates pledge against the use of the right hand when speaking. “Left is Best,” proclaim contenders for the new deep blue seat.
Legislature bans swimming pools in response to drought conditions. St. George immediately secedes from the state.
University presidents donate their salary increase to student scholarships. “Students are the reason we exist anyway,” concede leaders.
Utah Senate President Stuart Adams has epiphany for mass transit while visiting Lagoon. Directs UDOT to turn I-15 into roller coaster. Orange cone season extended indefinitely.
Utah House Speaker Mike Schultz renounces hunting and becomes a vegan. The leader will list stuffed animal trophies on eBay to raise funds for animal rights.
Man in MAGA hat attends Democratic state convention. Receives a warm greeting from attendees.
Utah GOP leaders concede they don’t deserve a supermajority. Insiders claim Proposition 4 fiasco proves they lost their edge.
Utah Democratic leaders profess belief in miracles. “No other way to explain the creation of heavily left-leaning new congressional district.”
Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall categorizes Republicans as oppressed class. Mayor proposes affirmative action for GOP as a disenfranchised minority in Salt Lake City.
Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson urges 500 South name change to Ted Wilson Boulevard. “Everyone loved Dad and knows this is a safe, good choice.”
Environmental groups endorse nuclear power development. “It’s better than coal. If you can’t beat them, join them!”
Ultra-conservative Republican delegates admit irrational tendencies. “We can be too extreme, and apologize for promoting conspiracy theories.”
Liberal Democrats strive for tax cuts and education vouchers. “Big government cannot solve society’s problems.”
Utahn describes wonderful experience walking in downtown Salt Lake City. “For two entire blocks, I was not accosted by panhandlers!”
Jazz apologize for winning some games. Several players are insisting on not tanking to improve draft prospects.
Utah Lt. Gov. Deidre Henderson agrees to share Utah voter file with Feds. Lieutenant governor to also share her personal email password and bank PIN.
Israel tells U.S. to end their involvement in Iran. Ally says, “Thanks, but sit this one out. We’ve got this.”
Republican legislators push back against extremist organizations. “We really don’t care what the MAGA crowd thinks,” is the new motto.
Democratic activists eschew far-left national leaders. “We really don’t care what Bernie and AOC think,” is the new motto.
Utah Democratic Chairman Brian King supports state control of federal lands. Drives Jeep across Delicate Arch.
Utah Republican Chairman Rob Axsom speaks at “No Kings” protest. Receives a standing ovation.
ICE pivots plans to open detention center. Unveils a four-star hotel instead.
Cowley and Pignanelli win Pulitzer Prize for pithy political prognosticating. Many claim this award is akin to a national disaster.
Happy April Fools’ Day! The last three months have been a tough slog for all of us, so we hope to elicit some smiles.