“Are you crazy?”
Possibly, but I’m happy. Let me present the evidence.
I’m 26, in my final semester of law school, about to start at a law firm. My husband works from home selling semi-trucks and finished his master’s degree last year. We have two children under two, both born during law school.
We live in a one-bedroom apartment. No closet — just an armoire doing its best. One three-quarter bathroom with no tub, which turns bathing two babies into a logistical puzzle. The one-bedroom doubles as my husband’s office, while our kitchen/living room also functions as the kids’ bedroom.
And yet, somehow, we’re happy. Genuinely happy.
When people hear this, they ask the same things: How do you make it work? Why would you do this to yourself? Are you crazy?
Catherine Pakaluk, an American economist, explains: today we live in a “regime in which childbearing is not the default activity of adult years, but the exception.” Perhaps this regime was created on a belief that women without children are happier than mothers.
Regardless of the trend to refrain from motherhood, I rebelled by not only having multiple children while in pursuit of a career, but also doing so at a time far from ideal. The effects of pregnancy and raising children during law school have been hard — pregnancy brain fog, taking exams days after giving birth, nights watching classes while in the NICU and more. I managed child care, readings, papers, sleep and relationships all while in a one-bedroom apartment with three other human beings.
It sure appears I’m crazy.
Recent studies show that married mothers are more likely than other women to report being very happy. Consider these moments: when he snuggles into your shoulder, when she runs into your arms and when he says “mama” for the first time. These are a limited few of the innumerable amazing moments of motherhood that bring endless happiness.
I asked several mothers from diverse backgrounds and circumstances these questions: Why did you choose motherhood and childbearing? How does it affect your happiness or well-being?
While the choice of motherhood varied among the mothers, ranging from religious reasons to the influence of parents, there was an overwhelming consensus on how motherhood affects their happiness: Motherhood causes joy through overcoming the struggles of development and enjoying the snuggles of love. Motherhood has shaped them to become better in all aspects. One mother said, “I see the world differently; I treat others differently. I am more patient and more humble and less controlling, more accepting and less judgmental.”
Stoicism, a Greek and Roman philosophy, teaches that a happy life consists of balancing the variety of roles we possess. Some roles are consigned to us; others arise from our own choices. Either way, this balancing requires us to choose how we spend our time and resources to execute those roles.
Each day I balance my roles, and I know I fall short in many aspects. But because of having multiple roles, I can cross-utilize the skills I have developed. For example, motherhood teaches me patience, which helps me be patient with colleagues. Law school taught me about cooperative negotiation, which helps me find ways to resolve problems with my family. Balancing these roles, specifically motherhood, brings me greater success and happiness. This is what the mothers I interviewed conveyed: it is the life lessons learned and experiences had with their children that bring endless happiness.
I must acknowledge what some mothers included in the interview — while joy comes with motherhood, so does sorrow. Loving and caring for children throughout their lives brings bliss and heartbreak, but there is no doubt that our experiences with children change us for the better and provide for a happier life.
So, am I crazy?
Perhaps. But I have never been happier. Despite the small apartment, long days and nights, and unrelenting demands of law school and motherhood, I am thriving. I am better — more patient, more grounded and more fulfilled — because I chose to be a mother.
Life has not gotten easier, but it has become richer.
So, if choosing motherhood makes me crazy, I’ll gladly accept the label. I’ve found something better than ease. I’ve found happiness.