Well, this is awkward.

Sports columnists are supposed to write about, you know, sports. But there are no sports.

Maybe you noticed?

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They’ve all been canceled or postponed due to the coronavirus — the NCAA basketball tournament, the NHL, the NBA, the PGA Tour (including the Masters), NASCAR, college and high school sports, the various pro soccer leagues, even fake sports such as pro wrestling (so it’s not all bad news).

The World Curling Championships were recently canceled (now THAT hurts). Spring training has been suspended along with spring football practices and the XFL season, and the start of the Major League Baseball season is being pushed back at least two weeks.

(Are you thinking what I’m thinking — at least this didn’t happen during football season.)

The Summer Olympics could be next. Only world war has stopped the Games.

Welcome to the new March Madness.

So here we are, cowering and quivering in our homes, behind locked doors, hiding from the virus, and no sports on TV. It’s so cruel.

One of the cable stations is showing old games. I’m not that desperate.

Yet.

So, what are you going to write about, someone asked me cheerfully the other day, seeming to enjoy my predicament.

This is the kind of question that keeps writers up at night. This too: My editor sent me an email over the weekend: “Can you write something for Monday?”

Like what — my resignation?

This is uncharted territory. There have always been sports to chronicle. The NFL and Major League Baseball played right on through World Wars I and II, although many of the players were overseas. The coronavirus is another matter. It’s insidious. You can’t see it. You might not even know you have it. You know the spiel by now. Pass the hand sanitizer and the n95 mask, please.

2020: The Year of the Virus. The year of empty stadiums and bare store shelves and “social distancing.” The year of banned handshakes and high-fives. The year of hand-washing, hand sanitizer and face masks that aren’t attached to football helmets.

Instead of writing about sports, sports writers are writing about the absence of sports. Which is just what they asked for. Sports writers relentlessly advocated for the canceling of games and entire seasons and then got their way. Oops. It was the right thing, but I’m not sure they realized they were making themselves ultimately useless and extraneous — I mean, more than usual. 

Does a butcher advocate the elimination of cows a la the Green New Deal?

If they’re not careful, sports writers might end up having to get real jobs. Instead of a laptop they’ll wield a shovel and broom.

Now we have nothing to write about. I’ve actually had some practice at this. It’s the same way I felt after interviewing certain coaches and walked away with nothing to write about because they didn’t really say anything, which was their intention. Coachspeak is an art form.

Having nothing to write about is almost worse than writing about a soccer match, but still preferable to writing about that insufferable LeBron James, who was on his way to arranging another championship for himself with the latest team he concocted for his personal use.

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Speaking of writing about nothing, the lead story on the CBS Sports website Sunday was, “Dayton wins simulated tournament.” The “simulation” of what might have happened if the NCAA Tournament had been played was produced by a betting website and included scores for each game. CBS included a video in which reporters “report” on the outcome of the “tournament” and offer endless speculation about other possible outcomes. They called it “Simulation Sunday.”

Good news, BYU fans. According to CBS, BYU would have advanced to the Sweet 16 for the first time since the Jimmer Fredette years after beating Stanford and Seton Hall. Congratulations. Alas, the Cougars lost a close game to San Diego State in the next round. (Utah State lost to Creighton in the first round.)

Whatever CBS is doing, it must be easier than the task ESPN faces — around-the-clock sports coverage. What are they doing to fill that time, drawing up mock drafts for 2025? Playing bingo? Delivering a filibuster? Lotsa luck with that.

That’s about as good as the sports world could do over the weekend.

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