You’ve seen him, he’s like a big huggable bear.
He dances, he hugs, he smiles, he makes fun of himself and his compass always points toward others.
BYU football coach Kalani Sitake personifies a people person.
His main people, his Cougars, are 6-0 right now.
He seeks out relationships, extends them, invests in them, and quite frankly, craves the human touch with feelings.
Sitake’s persona is highlighted in a piece in The Athletic this week, written by Christopher Kamrani for “Peak,” which the publisher, The New York Times, describes as The Athletic’s desk covering leadership, personal development and performance through the lens of sports.
The headline on Kamrani’s piece suggests there is nobody in college football doing it like Kalani Sitake.
This week, with the heated and passionate rivalry game looming over the state, the nation peeks in, and Kamrani describes Sitake’s unique approach.
Writes Kamrani ...
“The stereotype of constructing the culture of a program in the mirror image of the head coach is belabored throughout every college football season. But with Sitake, who is now a decade into his head coaching tenure at his alma mater, it’s primarily about one thing: joy. He doesn’t strive for psychological edges over other coaches; he says, “I want to be friends with them.” He doesn’t stir up hatred on rivalry week when he faces his old boss, Utah’s Kyle Whittingham; he says stuff like “wishing bad things on good people is not good for the soul.”
This article dives into Sitake’s leadership style. It includes the revelation of how Sitake devotes a Monday meeting with players and coaches. After delivering a 15-minute speech — sometimes nothing about football — he gets everyone else involved, giving them a voice, which ultimately leads to everyone’s investment and ownership of the program.
Highlighted as part of the theme is how Sitake’s retired father, Tom, is everywhere, from team flights, hotels, meetings and game sidelines.
“If Texas has actor Matthew McConaughey as Minister of Culture, Tom Sitake is the Minister of Joy,” writes Kamrani.
The father is in charge of spreading “good vibes.”
“For as long as Sitake can remember, his dad taught him the same tenets he now relays to his players. That, no matter what, you could control how well you did in school and how you decided to greet each day, every morning. That nothing worth fighting for can be obtained operating solo. That humility will always prevail over ego, kindness isn’t a form of weakness, and true happiness isn’t measured by what’s in your bank account or even by the empty rows of your refrigerator,” Kamrani writes.
“It’s everything,” Sitake says, “that’s inside your own heart.”
The piece tells the story of a Christmas the BYU coach will never forget as a child living in Provo. His parents divorced when he was just a kid in Tonga. His mother moved to New Zealand and his father, a former boxer, migrated to Laie, Hawaii, then California and St. Louis, Missouri, before settling in Provo. Tom did odd jobs here and there and took his kids with him, trying his best to support and feed them. One Christmas, the family was broke.
Writes Kamrani ...
“It’s a core memory, one clearly connected to the way Sitake leads his football program — and how he’s affected many of his players. ‘We had nothing. I think we had a box of oranges delivered to our front porch. My dad never shied from being honest with us about what we had and what we didn’t. We were super happy. It was cold. We went for a drive. We didn’t have anything but a full tank of gas.’
“They looked at Christmas lights across the city. Tom played The Temptations’ Christmas Card album. He and the kids each had parts to sing, and so for the rest of the night, the Sitakes drove around Provo and belted out songs together. He says it’s one of the most memorable Christmases he’s ever had, a mental postcard of pure shared joy, delivered perfectly because everyone did their part.”
“We had hungry bellies,” Sitake says, “but full souls.”
Sitake has tried to create a culture in his program that the guy next to you matters. And if you help him matter, more meaningful things begin to matter to yourself.
How does this relate to football?
It’s human beings transformed into being their brother’s keeper; understanding that being humble opens doors, and happiness isn’t a target or goal but a reality to live in right now.
Kamrani speaks of Sitake’s theme in 2015 when hired by BYU that he wanted his team to “love and learn.”
The writer refers to a key source of Sitake’s thought process, found in a book by Daniel Pink, “Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us.”
Sitake turned to Kamrani in his office and held up three of his big fingers “to count off” the acronym “AMP” and then explained each letter.
“A stands for Autonomy. People want to have a say in things and want ownership naturally.”
“M stands for Mastery. You want to feel like you can work at something and perfect your craft.”
“P stands for Purpose. You want to feel like you’re part of something bigger than yourself.”
Heading into Saturday’s game with Utah, the Cougars are ranked No. 15, undefeated at 6-0 and Sitake’s team has gone 17-2 in its last 19 games. Sitake has used these leadership skills and approach to get BYU through the final seasons of independence to membership in the Big 12.
His approach seems to be working.
If we are to understand this article correctly, come Saturday, win or lose, Sitake will certainly celebrate and dance hard as a victor. But as a loser, the hug of his opponent’s players and coaches will be every bit as warm and hard.
This is the way he lives.
This is what Kalani Sitake does.
