Stuck? Write a letter of forgiveness and move forward

Before her mother died, Kiki Ramsey wrote her a letter talking about the impact that her mother’s addiction had on her as she was growing up. She ended the letter by writing, “I forgive you.”

She wrote a similar letter to herself, because she figured there was a lot to forgive there, as well.

Ramsey is a psychologist, the founder and CEO at The Positive Psychology Coaching and Diversity Institute in Atlanta, Georgia. And she’s a strong proponent of writing forgiveness letters to help free yourself when you’re emotionally struck or hanging onto a feeling of anger or betrayal or even just disappointment.

It’s a gift you give to yourself, she told Deseret News by email, because “it allows you to release pent-up emotions like anger, resentment and pain that you may have been holding onto for a long time. It’s a powerful emotional release. It gives your hurt a voice so you can finally stop carrying it around in silence. Forgiveness isn’t always about the other person — it’s about setting you free."

What should you do with the letter once you’ve written it, though?

It turns out that question’s trickier.

What if you see events differently?

Everett L. Worthington Jr., a psychologist and Virginia Commonwealth University professor emeritus, knows a lot about forgiveness; the internationally renowned expert is the author of at least eight books on the topic. He’d been researching the power of forgiveness for six years or more when he was faced with whether he could put into practice what he’d learned and told others.

His mother’s body was found in her home on New Year’s Day 1996. Frances Worthington had been killed by an intruder, presumably during a burglary.

Worthington is very big on forgiveness, but decidedly less keen on actually dropping a forgiveness letter no one asked for in the mailbox or hitting send on an email version.

Unsolicited forgiveness, he told Deseret News, can create even more tension and problems in a relationship.

The writer’s motives also matter.

“It is good to express forgiveness if asked ‘Can you forgive me?’” he said, emphasizing the ”if asked" part. But expressing unsolicited forgiveness — perhaps because it relieves the letter writer’s own guilt, isn’t helpful, he added.

The internal dialog of the forgiver could go something like this, he said by email: “I’m a Christian and I have been unforgiving. That’s terrible. I’d better tell the person I forgive them (because it will relieve MY guilt.)” That, he said, is “usually not a good idea.”

He noted that the very words “I forgive you” implicitly say “you did something wrong and perhaps even terribly wrong and I’m accusing you, but the good news is, I am so magnanimous that I can rise above the terrible thing that you did to me and graciously forgive you.”

That doesn’t usually go over well, he said, so many experts, including Worthington, don’t encourage people to send forgiveness letters or offer forgiveness that hasn’t been sought. It tends to create more than mitigate problems,” he said.

He’s seen it in couples therapy. One partner says, “I forgive you for X” and the other says, “You can’t forgive me. You were the one who did wrong.”

Still, he said he sees the value in writing the letter. And if it’s written to someone who asked for forgiveness, the letter can help both writer and recipient.

Ramsey didn’t send the letter to her mother. But writing it helped her let go of complicated feelings. Before her mother died, “she knew that I had forgiven her for all the things that happened in our relationship. I was even able to share how much she made me the woman that I am, despite our difficult times,” Ramsey said.

“Writing this letter was one of the most instrumental experiences of my life because I don’t think that I would have been able to forgive myself had my mother died thinking that I didn’t love and cherish all that she brought to my life. She died of pancreatic cancer and our time together was cut short. I’m so glad I was able to practice forgiveness, and now I’m able to share with others how powerful it is,” Ramsey told Deseret News.

Writing wrongs is a solid notion. Worthington created a workbook that is to some extent a similar exercise, as it involves writing down feelings and coming unstuck. It starts earlier in the process, though, when one is perhaps not feeling very forgiving. The whole design is to help someone who’s struggling with forgiveness get there. The workbook has been vetted by research, but more on that later.

Kyle Elliott is a trauma-informed career coach who works with tech executives. He’s high on the value of writing the letter expressing forgiveness. But he, too, notes that “unless it’s critical for your healing, you don’t need to send the letter. In fact, you might find it helpful to conduct a ritual with the letter. This might look like burning it or burying it,” he adds, with a caveat to be mindful of the environment.

The power of forgiveness

Arthur Brooks, another noted expert on forgiveness, in an article for The Atlantic describes a lesson from “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance,” a classic that’s now half-a-century old. In it, the author writes about an “old South Indian Monkey Trap.”

That’s a hollow coconut filled with rice, the opening just big enough for a monkey’s hand, but only if it’s empty. If the monkey tries to retrieve the rice inside, he’s stuck. To move on, the monkey has to let go of the rice, just as people have to let go of hurts sometimes in order to move on.

For monkeys and people, freedom can be a matter of choosing to let go.

Forgiveness grants the person offering it release from negative emotions, without excusing the behavior, according to Joseph DeVasto, a therapist at The Oasis Recovery in Rancho Mirage, California. “It’s really about letting go of anger, pain and resentment,” he told Deseret News.

He sees writing a forgiveness letter as a healthy exercise for anyone who’s angry about a past event, but he too, notes that its subject doesn’t have to receive it. “It’s for the person writing it.”

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, of Pikesville, Maryland, who founded The Marriage Restoration Project, said the letter is not about letting someone off the hook for perceived harms. Instead, he calls it a tool that will give someone a way “to stop carrying what’s been weighing you down.

“In our work,” he said, “we often see that what gets triggered in conflict is something much older. The forgiveness letter gives you a chance to step back, reflect and speak from the part of you that’s been holding the hurt — not from blame, but from truth."

And like others who counsel that forgiveness and letting go of hurt both liberates and heals, he notes that forgiveness can live alongside consequences and justice. “You’re not writing to forget or condone. You’re writing to heal.”

Carmen Turner Schott has worked with trauma survivors for many years as a social worker in Troy, Illinois. She said that her understanding of forgiveness has evolved. She now sees it as central to someone’s ability to forge a future.

“Forgiveness brings a sense of peace and closure,” she said, while holding onto old hurts makes people sick and drains their energy. Forgiving is at its core a type of self-care. “It helps us transform, heal and become more resilient.”

Numerous studies show hanging onto harms is self-defeating. A study in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology found that anger and hostility ramp up heart disease risk, while those who can let grievances go have better health.

Johns Hopkins Medicine research found the intentional, internalized act of forgiving reduces the risk of heart attack, lowers cholesterol, boosts sleep quality and improves blood pressure, pain and anxiety levels. Depression and stress decrease. Cortisol levels are higher when people hold onto anger, creating digestive and immune system problems. The hormone interferes with sex drive, too, and hampers memory.

One of the worst things one can do is ruminate, playing a hurt over and over, Worthington told students at Biola University Center for Christian Thought. Forgiveness can short-circuit harmful rumination. It offers better mental health, less depression and improved spiritual life.

He also said what forgiving is not: It’s not forbearing or condoning what was done. It’s not reconciling, which takes trust between two people, though that may follow. It’s not forgetting or excusing, either. Or letting justice go. You can forgive someone and still want them to experience consequences.

‘Writing wrongs’ differently

Two years ago, when the latest, simplest iteration of his workbook was new, Worthington told Deseret News that it’s evidence-based, had been vetted in 22 research studies and was built to help people move on from the painful emotions that hold them back. While forgiveness moves people forward, it’s also an action some people can’t figure out how to accomplish. They’re the monkeys with a handful of rice in Brooks’ story, at risk because they won’t let go.

The workbook Worthington created is called the REACH forgiveness workbook and it’s freely available. Completing it takes two or three hours and it is in some ways similar to writing a forgiveness letter.

REACH stands for Recall the hurt, Empathize with the one who caused it, Altruistically forgive, Commit to that forgiveness and Hold onto the forgiveness when you doubt it, which is apt to happen.

Worthington said forgiveness has two parts: “Deciding to forgive improves relationships and spirituality, while emotional forgiveness improves mental and physical health, though the latter takes longer. For most, the emotional side is harder than simply deciding to do it,” he said in an earlier article.

You can download the workbook here.