During my moviegoing travails the past few weeks, I've been slapped in the face by some of the inconveniences that confront today's audiences.
Despite the aesthetic value of watching a movie on a huge screen and sharing the emotions with a theater full of strangers, sometimes the experience is so annoying that you may begin to wonder if theater owners and operators aren't deliberately challenging you to go out and rent videos instead.So, herewith are 10 reasons - gleaned from personal experience - why people choose to watch blurry tapes on small television screens in their homes rather than crisp 35mm celluloid on giant silver screens in first-run theaters:
- Concessions.
This is an overworked subject, of course, since it's common knowledge that snacks sold in movie theaters are outrageously priced. It's also worth noting that in the past few weeks Cineplex Odeon theaters, the largest chain in this area, has reduced the size of its drink cups - yet the high prices are the same.
- Trash and sticky floors.
In conjunction with that is the problem of trash-filled auditoriums and sticky floors. Any theater can have that problem when popcorn or a drink is spilled, of course, and it's probably more the fault of audience members than theater operators - but an occasional sweeping and mopping between shows would be nice. (Jay Leno once joked that sticky floors are why theaters now sell nachos - the cheese provides traction.)
- Rude audience members.
Another overworked subject. These are people who think they are at home watching videos. Remember when there used to be ushers you could call on to shut people up - or eject them from the theater?
- Everyday conveniences.
The Cinemark Movies 7 Theater in Sandy has no pay phone in the lobby. You have to go outside and around the back, where two phones are located - and one, as of this past Wednesday, was out of order. Another problem is broken seats; most theaters probably have one or two, but Cineplex Odeon's Trolley Corners Theater - the big upstairs auditorium - has so many you may have trouble getting comfortable if the show is crowded.
- Restrooms.
Lots of theaters seem to have trouble these days keeping their restrooms clean, but last weekend, on Saturday night, the Cineplex Odeon Holladay Center Cinemas seemed to be having more than its share of problems. Overflowing trash cans, overflowing toilets and disgruntled customers - in both the women and men's restrooms. This sort of cleanup is in the employees' job descriptions, right?
- Advertisements.
It's one thing to have a Pepsi ad precede the movie on a $2 rental videotape - you can use the VCR's fast-forward button to get past it, if you choose. But it's quite another to pay $5.50 per person for a movie and find yourself subjected to the same ad - often a blown-up version of the same blurry video.
- Self-promotion.
The Cineplex Odeon and Mann logos that introduce previews and the feature film, complete with space-age special effects, are silly, but at least they're short. More annoying is the Cinemark cartoon with those dancing, singing cats in usher uniforms that precede each film.
- Aesthetic conditions.
Have you ever seen a movie that has scratches and lines on the picture? Last Monday at the Cineplex Odeon South Towne Center Cinemas in Sandy, at a showing of "Thelma & Louise," there was a vertical green line through the center of the picture - and it ran through the entire film. In addition, every now and then two or three more vertical lines showed up. And the final moments of the last reel got ridiculous, with even more distracting lines. That's one incident, but if you go to very many movies you have no doubt run into such other occasional annoyances as the stereo sound popping in and out, the film going out of focus or out of frame - or even shutting down.
- Music and slides.
The music ranges from new age to classical to rock, sometimes provided by a local radio station, playing in the auditorium before the lights go down. If it's quiet and pleasant, OK - but too often it's so loud you can't even talk to your friends before the movie begins. (And why not play movie soundtrack music?) As for those silly slides that Mann Theaters show before the film begins, with ads and movie photos, the latter accompanied by trivia questions - personally, I don't object to them. It's kind of fun to sit there and try to guess the answers with your friends. But there are so few slides that they are repeated half-a-dozen times before the movie begins. Boring!
- General comfort.
In the winter, theaters seem to crank up the heat so much that your sweater might shrink. In the summer, the air conditioning is so cold you may wish you had brought a jacket. There must be a middle ground that could be reached. (Do any employees ever go into the auditoriums?) Then there's that musty smell some theaters get during rainy weather. And last year, at the Cineplex Odeon Family Center Trolley Theaters, I came into a screening a little late, sat in an unoccupied seat and felt water hitting me on the head - the roof was leaking.
Dissenting opinions are welcome, as always. Or, if you have a favorite moviegoing pet peeve I've overlooked - specific or general - write Chris Hicks, Deseret News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, UT 84110.