Dear Readers: When "Fed-Up Stepmother in Lancaster, Pa." asked my readers to respond, the mail came pouring in. There are many frustrated step-moms out there, but there are others who are happy. Read on:
Dear Abby: The day my son was born, I sat in the hospital and cried. I knew being a parent was the hardest job in the world. The day my first husband and I divorced, I sat in the courtroom and cried. I knew being a single parent was the hardest job in the world. The day I married my second husband (and his two kids), I sat at the reception and cried. I knew being a stepparent would be a breeze after what I had already been through.Then reality set in. Nothing is harder than raising another woman's children. You are a constant reminder to them that their mother left them. And for some reason they just know it's your fault. You are a daily reminder that Daddy and Mommy aren't together anymore. Somehow that is also your fault. They also have to share Daddy with "her."
I strongly believe the fathers of these children are just as much to blame for the problems. They do not believe their children are anything less than perfect. They allow these kids to control them through guilt and manipulation. These men refuse to make a united stand with their wives because their guilt would kill them. They are cowards.
I've been to hell and back with this so-called "blended family." I could write a book, but who has the time? I sleep with one eye open and my back to the wall, emotionally exhausted. I have begged my husband to face reality, but after five years, it's like banging my head against a wall.
I started counseling two years ago to save this marriage and family. Thank God, I realized I needed to save myself from any more humiliation and abuse. I love my husband, but I'm starting to love myself more. I am regaining my self-esteem, I'm getting a job, and I'm taking my kids away from this hell. I just wish I could see my husband's face in 10 years, when his kids are gone and he starts looking around the house for me. Sign me
. . . A Real Mom First
DEAR ABBY: This is for the upset stepmother: It's time to step down. I don't know how long you have been one, but having suffered the same fate for almost 30 years, let me tell you - it doesn't get any easier.
When the kids are young, it's fights and tantrums; when they're teenagers you get pouting, rebellion and "You can't tell me what to do - you aren't my mother!" You suffer through their miserable relationships, their failed marriages, and they give you their children to raise. Then your husband dies and you are the wicked stepmother who stole their inheritance.
Take my advice: Learn to drive an 18-wheeler, throw your bags in the cab and ask for long cross-country hauls. And when you're too old for the road, drive far, far away, heave your belongings into a wheelbarrow, push yourself to the nearest elderly housing project and get an unlisted phone number.
- Been There
DEAR ABBY: I was moved to write after reading the letter from "Fed-Up Stepmother in Lancaster, Pa." How sad for her!
I fell in love with the father of three children, whose ages were 7, 5 and 2. Before we tied the knot, we had many discussions regarding my role as a stepmother.
Well, 14 years and a few bumps and "learning experiences" later, I am proud to call these charming young adults mine, and I love and enjoy them as my own.
- Proud and Happy Mom in Colorado
Good advice for everyone - teens to seniors - is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054. (Postage is included.)
1993 Universal Press Syndicate