Dear Abby: With the holidays coming up, I think many people will relate to this.
My husband and I live in a metropolitan area, with no relatives in town. My family is 200 miles in one direction, his family is 240 miles in the opposite direction. We have other relatives at points varying from 120 to 1,200 miles away. Those family members have their own commitments with various in-laws, etc., that we are expected to work around.I am tired of hearing that we do not spend the holidays with any of these people. In 10 years, we have spent one holiday on a vacation - just my husband and me. The other 19 Thanksgivings and Christmases we have spent gallivanting cross-country, trying to keep everyone happy.
I just want to say, stop being angry at relatives who are unable to make it to where you are for Christmas. You have no idea what they may be dealing with. You may not know that your brother-in-law's mother just found out that she has cancer and wants to spend a quiet Christmas with just her immediate family. Or, your sister just took a hefty pay cut at her troubled company, and is too embarrassed to admit that she can't afford to make the trip.
If people aren't able to come, be satisfied with a five-minute telephone conversation, and tell them so. And to those who do show up, please don't say, "You haven't been here in three years; how come you decided to come now?" Be grateful that you have contact with them, and say, "It's wonderful to see you!"
Abby, if you print this, do not use my name, initials or city, or I will be in big trouble. Happy holidays!
- A Longtime Abby Fan
Dear Fan: Thank you for a letter that many readers will identify with.
Dear Abby: Every year, my husband and I receive many baskets of fruits, candies, meats, wines, etc., from his business associates. These "holiday baskets" are very expensive. Fortunately, we do not need anything. We have received about 20 of these baskets every year for the past 15 years.
Abby, there are needier people than us, and it would be nice to know that some underprivileged family could enjoy these gifts. Our hope is that others who receive such lavish gifts will consider this alternative.
- Not Needy, Coral Springs, Fla.
Dear Not needy: It is impolite and presumptuous to tell people to whom to give a gift, but there is no reason why you can't take your gift baskets to your local Salvation Army or homeless shelter.
Dear Abby: As the holidays approach and the recent fires in California bring to mind the trauma of those families who lost all of their possessions, we should consider whether we know anyone who may have lost treasured photographs in a fire, flood or hurricane.
If so, we could give no greater gift than copies of any pictures of their families that we may have. Copies now can be easily reproduced without the negatives.
- Katherine M. Donnelly, Boston
Dear Katherine: I'm passing along your excellent idea, and I'm sure many will thank you for it.