How it gladdens Miss Manners' heart to think of all those who are now pondering the sugar-plummy question of the season:
What presents might they find or devise, in order to produce astonishment and joy in their loved ones?This is assuming that there are any people left who don't grudge all shopping not directed at acquiring things for themselves. Miss Manners is afraid to look over the shoulders of those scribbling their holiday lists, not wanting to discover that they have have been busy listing who might buy what for them.
In addition to greed, rampant ingratitude has blighted the once charming custom of exchanging presents. A great many people apparently aspire to Miss Manners' noble profession because they keep trying to declare thank-you letters to be old-fashioned and therefore (they have the odd notion that this follows) no longer necessary.
Their high-minded rationale is that any evidence that a present has succeeded in its intent of pleasing - even any evidence that it has arrived at its destination - would spoil the purity of pleasure others should take in giving them presents.
Well, something has sure spoiled that pleasure.
The newly fashioned rule of etiquette (since so many people seem to think a new one is in order) is actually the opposite. It is that those who do not thank people for presents are obviously not pleased to receive them and ought not to be troubled with any again.
All this should put Miss Manners in sympathy with those who want to chuck the entire custom of giving presents, in favor of using the money for seasonable charity. This is certainly in keeping with the true spirit of the holidays, and she is pleased that an increasing number of people so direct their thoughts.
But what discourages her from endorsing this fine plan wholeheartedly is that it is so often instituted in ways that smack of sanctimoniousness and callousness.
Here are two ways not to adopt such a policy:
Declare unilaterally that you plan to ignore family customs in favor of giving to those who are needier, thus not only wrecking everyone's plans, but casting aspersions on those who want to go ahead with the usual exchange and who perhaps already took the trouble to get things for one another, including you.
Make a donation to your own favorite charity, merely requesting that an acknowledgment be sent to someone else as a present, thus counting two instances of generosity for yourself without giving any thought to the real wishes of the named donor, who might not even agree with the objectives of your charity.
There are, however, proper ways of doing it.
One is to ask your circle in advance who would like to agree to make charitable donations and confine the exchange of presents to token ones. There is to be no pressure or sneering at those who don't want to change.
Another way is to notice which organization a particular person favors and to give something to that one. Asking people to declare their own choice does not have the same value because it is the essence of present-giving to show, symbolically, that you have taken notice of the other person's tastes and wishes - a flattering way of saying, "I've been paying attention to you."
But what if they don't know that a charitable donation is the present you would like? Can you tell them?
Here we get back to the unpleasant idea of people making out lists of what others should give. Under no circumstances, even selfless ones, are you supposed to take an unseemly interest in the presents you imagine are due you.
Hints are allowed, and those who are asked what they want may mumble about how much they would appreciate an assist to this cause or that.
1993 United Feature Syndicate Inc.