Joe Daniel told me that he had done all his Christmas shopping except for his dog, Cooper.
"I wish I could come up with something to surprise him," he said."Does Cooper believe in Santa Claus?"
"I don't think so. He tried to bite one in front of J.C. Penney yesterday and the Santa called him a `bad dog.' "
"Why don't you give him an Oriental rug to chew on?"
"We did that last Christmas. The insurance company refused to replace it. Cooper is high maintenance."
"I read where one of the most popular gifts for dogs was a pet door. Whenever the dog goes in or out, it plays `Hail to the Chief.' "
"Cooper is not too much into music. Every time we play Henry Mancini he starts barking his head off."
"I don't suppose that a T-bone steak would impress him either."
"Every time we come home from a restaurant we bring him a steak. Cooper expects more from us at holiday times."
"I have a friend, Margot Tenenbaum, who gave her dog a mink coat. Would that make any sense?"
"It would except that if Cooper wore it to the park the other dogs would attack him. Many canines become enraged when they see a dog wearing a coat other than his own."
"Your dog seems terribly fussy."
"He's not fussy about the family's Christmas presents. If we don't tie him up, he'll chew up every package under the tree."
"What about a rubber bone that plays the theme from Doctor Zhivago?"
"We gave him a squeaky ball last time, and he never even ran after it. What you have to understand about Cooper is that he is very unpredictable. Some days he would much rather chase a live squirrel than a dead Frisbee. What he hates the most is a new leash and collar. He's not too happy about dog tags either."
An idea came to me. "What about having Cooper's portrait taken by Nelson Deckelbaum, the best pet photographer in town?"
Joe wasn't too sure that Cooper would go for it.
"If I was a dog, that's what I would want. It's something that Cooper could keep forever," I said.
"Maybe you're right. I'm also going to buy him a Wedgewood dog dish in case he's not happy with the photographer and decides that Christmas is a complete waste."