Etiquette know-it-all, author and presidential adviser-to-the-Kennedys, Letitia Baldridge instructs Americans in the fine art of proper behavior in any social setting:
Stretch out the starched damask, carefully spread the place settings and gently crease the napkin. Measure the inches between the table edge and the plate, the dinner fork and the salad fork and the knife tip and the glass. Light the candles and dinner is served - that is if you ring for the butler.Baldridge, in her mannerly text, "The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette: A Guide to Contemporary Living," saturates the social scene with prescriptions for appropriate behavior.
But no matter how thorough she appears on the surface, there's a woefully omitted chapter in Baldridge's 879-page volume: The maven totally overlooks the homefolks who see a starched table covering about as frequently as they depend on a butler for cooking and serving.
Down-home, laid-back souls survive on the food of the hand - those finger-lickin' morsels that feel as well as taste good. Eating some of our all-time favorite messy foods necessitates all-over wash jobs, but the indulgence is worth every drip and dribble and stain.
An old-fashioned, up-to-the elbows, ear-to-ear meal requires a tidy-up task that may take longer than eating the meal itself. But a few strategically placed cleaning items simplify the task of devouring a plate of steamed crabs, a rack of barbecued ribs or even an ear of corn on the cob.
Collect the cleaning supplies and take a bite, or ignore the need for clean up and dig in.
Etiquette gurus like Baldridge turn up their noses at the thought of finger-lickin' foods, but that doesn't negate their popularity.
Tackle a whole crab, for example.
Cover the table with several layers of newspaper. Assemble the pliers or crackers, a wooden mallet, a narrow-tined seafood fork and a gross of napkins.
Simply cracking the crab and retrieving the succulent morsels of meat is a painstakingly messy chore. Fingers, hands and even elbows bear evidence of the crab attack. But dipping the crab in drawn butters or other sauces and maneuvering the bites to the mouth compounds the difficulty.
The drippy journey from table to mouth seemingly covers as many miles as the crab trip from ocean to plate.
And a crabfest is simple compared to the nine-step process of cracking and eating a whole lobster. At least with a lobster, you uncover a bigger bite.A more straightforward sloppy meal would be a rack of barbecued ribs.
Forget forks altogether, advises Chris Eggert, manager of Tony Roma's in Trolley Square.
"Utensils don't work on ribs, no matter how carefully they're used," Eggert says. "Sometimes we see a woman, especially if she's on a date, try to be delicate about eating ribs by using a knife and fork. They soon give up. There's no way to graciously eat a slab of ribs - forget it."
A few manners please, requests Baldridge.
"If you must eat food with your hands," the etiquette guru advises, "try and make do with only one hand. You're simply not supposed to hold it with two hands. That way you have at least one hand that is greaseless to put around a glass."
Regardless of the fine points of gracious dining, customers get down and dirty over their ribs. But that's the point, according to Chris Telesco, also a manager at Tony Roma's.
"Folks dribble a little sauce on their chins, then it spreads to their cheeks and noses. Of course, it's all over their hands," Telesco explains. "But they don't worry about it. They wait until they're all finished before they even think of washing up."
Kids are the worst with ribs, Eggert adds.
"Ribs don't fit as well in kid's smaller mouths, so they end up with this giant Ronald McDonald barbecue sauce smile from ear to ear," the manager says.
As a joke, one group of innovative customers arrived for a ribfest wearing full rain gear and plastic gloves, Telesco recalls.
Regardless of the advance preparations, eating ribs spreads sauce far and wide and requires a heavy-duty cleanup.
But you don't have to worry about Baldridge or Emily Post peeking over your shoulder at the rib house. The printed rules for rib pickin' at Roma's state finger lickin' is required in the tidy-up process, and even a hose has been suggested.
A hose won't help with corn on the cob, but finger bowls, toothpicks or even dental floss would be handy, Baldridge insists.
Dirk Peterson, executive chef at Plum's Restaurant in Sioux City, Iowa, the heart of corn country, suggests eating a sloppy cob of corn end to end, as opposed to around and around, minimizes the mess.
"I think definitely end to end. Absolutely end to end. It's more efficient and tidier," Peterson says. "You can usually go end to end, gnawing continuously, without actually chewing. Then you chew once you get to the end."
Chew and ooze a bit of butter from the corners of your mouth.
Other sloppy suppers include pizza, fried chicken and spaghetti and over-size sandwiches bursting with filling.
If one insists on indulging in dining carnage, at least use a bit of discretion, Baldridge requests.
Keep the dining atmosphere informal when serving finger foods. Use a knife and fork for as much chicken removal as possible, unless the fryer is picnic fare. Employ the spoon-assisted fork technique to wrap spaghetti rather than slurp up the long strands. As for heavy-duty sandwiches, trim portions down to bite-size with a knife and fork.
But Jerry Greenfield of Ben and Jerry's ice cream advises otherwise: "Just forget the drips and go for the good stuff."
Fingers and all.
*****
CHART: How to eat a lobster
1. Break the tall section from the body.
2. Sever the claws from the body and separate them from the knuckles.
3. Pull the "thumb" back until it breaks off.
4. Crack both claws in the middle using a nutcracker.
5. Break off each tail end or "flipper."
6. Using fork, pry out the meat from the tail section.
7. Break off individual feeler claws.
8. Lift off the back shell and break the body cavity into pieces.
RECIPES
TOMATO SAUCE WITH HOT ITALIAN SAUSAGE
1/4 cup butter
2 medium onion, chopped
3 large cloves garlic, minced
1 1/2 pounds hot Italian sausage
1 can (6 oz.) tomato paste
1 can (35 oz.) plum tomatoes, undrained
3 tablespoons dried basil
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1-2 tablespoons fennel seeds
1 1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon black pepper, freshly ground
Grated Parmesan cheese
Melt butter in heavy saucepan; add onion and garlic and cook gently for 2 minutes. Add sausage and saute until browned; break up any lumps with a fork. Stir in tomato paste, tomatoes and liquid and remaining ingredients except cheese. Simmer 30 minutes; adjust seasonings and serve with prepared spaghetti. Garnish with Parmesan cheese; makes 6 servings.
- From "All the Best Pasta Sauces"
- Each serving contains 595 calories; 40 gm fat; 2105 mg sodium; 115 mg cholesterol.
SMOKED BRISKET, KANSAS CITY STYLE
Rub:
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup pepper
1/2 cup paprika
1/4 cup chili powder
1/4 cup salt
2 tablespoons garlic powder
Whole untrimmed beef brisket, about 7 pounds
Sauce:
1/2 cup onion, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
2 cups catsup
1/4 cup molasses
1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
2 teaspoons prepared horseradish
1 bay leaf
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon basil
1/2 teaspoon thyme
1/4 teaspoon rosemary
About 20 pounds charcoal
Prepare covered, vented grill with preheated charcoal. Combine rub ingredients; thoroughly rub the brisket all over. Cook meat slowly over indirect heat for 3-4 hours, adjusting coals as needed. The internal temperature should be 165 degrees.
Remove meat from grill and wrap tightly in foil, return to grill and continue cooking an additional 3 hours or until tender.
For sauce, heat oil in saucepan; add onion and garlic and saute. Add remaining ingredients and simmer, uncovered until the mixture thickens, about 10 minutes.
To serve, remove meat from grill and allow to stand 10 minutes. Remove foil and slice very thin. Serve with warm barbecue sauce. Makes 12-15 servings.
- From "Heartland"
- Each serving contains 557 calories; 27 gm fat; 2520 mg sodium; 169 mg cholesterol.
SEAFOOD TACOS WITH VERACRUZ SAUCE
1/2 cup flour
1 teaspoon seasoning salt
1 teaspoon white pepper
1 1/2 pounds firm-fleshed whitefish, sliced 1/4-inch thick
2 tablespoons olive oil
12 flour tortillas
1/2 cup cilantro
Veracruz Sauce:
4 tomatillos, peeled and finely diced
2 red tomatoes, finely diced
6 green olives, thinly sliced
2 tablespoons capers
2 teaspoons olive oil
2 teaspoons cilantro, chopped
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
Combine flour, seasoning salt and pepper; coat fish with seasoned flour.
Heat olive oil; saute fish until golden brown. Divide fish into 12 portions and place a portion on one half of each tortilla. Roll tortillas up and cover with Veracruz Sauce. Garnish with cilantro.
For sauce, combine all ingredients; refrigerate for 2 hours before serving. Makes 6 servings.
- From "Santa Fe Recipes"
- Each serving contains 426 calories; 15 gm fat; 506 mg sodium; 33 mg cholesterol.
NORTH CAROLINA BARBECUED PORK
1 (3 lb.) boneless pork shoulder
Barbecue Sauce:
2 cups apple cider vinegar
1 cup brown sugar, firmly packed
1 cup yellow mustard
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 1/2 teaspoons black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon Tabasco sauce
Soak hickory wood chips in water 1 hour.
For sauce, combine all ingredients and simmer on low heat for 30 minutes. Makes 3 1/2 cups sauce.
For meat, prepare charcoal fire in a barbecue kettle or smoker; place grill about 8 inches above coals. When coals are evenly red and glowing, with a slight white haze, drain hickory chips and lay them on top of coals. Glaze pork all over with sauce, then place pork on grill. Cover and cook until meat is very tender and has a brown crisp crust, about 3-31/2 hours. Baste often with sauce and turn several times during cooking. Remove meat from fire and pull it apart into shreds, then roughly chop meat and stir in just enough of the leftover sauce to make a slightly mushy mixture. Serve hot. Makes 8-10 servings.
- From "A Taste of the South"
- Each serving contains 392 calories; 16 gm fat; 629 mg sodium; 102 mg cholesterol.
"EASIER TO EAT" CRAB IN A RAMEKIN
1 1/2 pounds lump crabmeat, picked and free of shells
3/4 cup celery, chopped
1 1/2 teaspoon lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup mayonnaise
2 tablespoons butter, melted
1 cup bread crumbs
2 hard-cooked eggs, chopped
1 1/2 teaspoons Grey Poupon mustard
Dash of cayenne pepper
1 1/2 cups fresh bread crumbs
Combine all ingredients except fresh bread crumbs; divide among 6 lightly buttered 8-ounce ramekins or baking cups. Cover lightly with bread crumbs and top with thin dots of butter. Bake 12-15 minutes or until crumbs are golden brown. Makes 6 servings.
- From "A Taste of America"
- Each serving contains 313 calories; 21 gm fat; 793 mg sodium; 149 mg cholesterol.
CHOCOLATE FONDUE
2/3 cup light corn syrup
1/2 cup heavy cream
8 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped
Bring corn syrup and cream to a boil in a heavy saucepan; remove from heat. Whisk in chocolate, stirring until smooth. Serve hot with assorted fruits, pound or angel food cake. Makes 1 1/2 cups sauce.
- From "The Complete Book of Sauces"
- Each 1/4 cup serving contains 357 calories; 27 gm fat; 33 mg sodium; 27 mg cholesterol.