What if you went to work every day and just had to wing it? Could you work in an environment where the organizational structure was vague, the rules unclear and the expectations unpredictable? Could anyone?
Yet that is the way of many households, and the results are chaotic for children and difficult for parents, says Thomas Bluett, a pediatric psychologist.Bluett is the creator of a program of child management called "In-Charge Parenting," which he has presented on public television since 1983.
"How can you misbehave unless there are rules that you are not following?" Bluett asks. "Without rules, we have kids who are in limbo because they don't know how to please. They don't know how to be good or how to be bad."
Bluett, like others in his field, believes that all children fundamentally want to please their parents and do well.
"If they don't, then it's not the kids' fault. It's up to parents."
Without a dependable structure and clear expectations at home, children are left to improvise, becoming manipulators forced to play up to their parents until the children somehow go too far, he says.
Child abuse, Bluett says, comes out of disorganization.
"When you're just winging it, the kid doesn't have a chance."
His program for parents revolves around the need to create structure, rules and age-appropriate consequences for breaking rules.
Rules created by the parents don't have to be terrifically strict or complicated. They may be as simple as no hitting, no punching, no wrestling. Or, no touching things or borrowing things that don't belong to you. They should include specified times for getting home, eating dinner and going to bed, for doing homework, playing or watching TV.
This kind of household management gives structure and meaning to the child's day, Bluett says.
Are children naturally resistant to rules? Just watch a group of kids when they're making up a game, Bluett says.
"When kids get together, they make up lots of rules. Rules give form and structure and help children develop."
When there are clear rules in a household, discipline is not such a big deal, Bluett says.
"The child may try to get around the rule, but not around you."
Discipline, says Judy Futterlieb, coordinator of children's programs at the non-profit Parents Anonymous of Greater Milwaukee, comes from the same root as the Latin word for "learner" and is related to the English word "disciple," or follower.
"Discipline just means teaching how to behave within a family and society," she says.
Carol Meissner, coordinator of a nonprofit group called Parents Place in Waukesha, Wis., says discipline is always positive and a way to teach. On the other hand, she defines punishment as negative and harsh, with screaming, spanking and hitting.
Often, Futterlieb says, children's questionable behavior is a sign of a desire to grow and become autonomous. Or it may signal a desire for attention, any kind of attention.
Between the ages of 18 months and 2 years, Futterlieb says, children are eager to learn and test everything. "It's at this age when you can start labeling and teaching children to move away from dangerous situations."
During this phase, too, timeouts - isolating a child in a chair or crib for a few minutes - begin to serve as a way of teaching children (and parents) how to control themselves, the experts say.
Timeouts may sound easy, of course, but they involve skills and understandings that have to be practiced and learned, Meissner says.
Thus, "the child may kick or scream at first, but the parent should be as calm as possible and sit with the child until he or she quiets down," Meissner says.
Futterlieb says that when a parent does lose control - because of stress or fatigue perhaps - then everybody loses control. So parents, too, need to learn to take timeouts and leave the room, go for a walk, take a shower or count to 10.
Futterlieb argues on behalf of structure, too, because children naturally fear the unknown. Transition times, Futterlieb says, like the times when children are going to and from school, can be particularly problematic.
Late afternoon, when everyone is tired and hungry, can be especially difficult, she says. A small, nutritious snack and some quiet time can help defuse what some people have come to call "the arsenic hour" before dinner, Futterlieb says.
The experts say that grounding - the loss of privileges - and other punishments should be used sparingly. Otherwise they lose their sting. Natural or logical consequences are much more effective, they say.
Once a punishment is served or a timeout sat through, that should be the end of it, Bluett says.
"You never, ever bring it up again."
And he doesn't think that punishment should keep children from positive activities like a soccer game or play practice.
The idea is, he says, that "the more you plan and structure, the more you give kids ways to do positive things."
If all this sounds like work, it is, Bluett says. As the father of five children (three adults and a 10- and a 16-year-old still at home), he knows this for a fact. With his busy practice, a working wife and a full array of activities, the family schedule is hectic.
Because parenting is so demanding, Bluett and others say, it's important for parents to try to get enough rest, to take time for themselves and to make sure that their own emotional needs are met.
In this connection, Futterlieb says, "If you're so stressed and tired and you're staying with your children because you feel guilty, you are really not present for them and you will get angry quicker."
Bluett offers an example from his practice of how a parent may influence a child negatively. The patient, a child, was seriously depressed.
"Her mother was a single parent with two, three kids who didn't go anywhere. The daughter didn't want to grow up because it didn't seem like it would be any fun. All she saw was this poor, bedraggled soul who didn't go anywhere or do anything. It's no wonder she was depressed."
Parents are the chief role models for their children, especially in the preteen years, these experts say. Preteens especially look to their parents for cues as to how to behave and what it is like to be an adult.
Finally, the experts emphasize, all children respond to praise. Telling a child that he or she is special, or that he or she did a good job on a spelling test can do a lot for the child's morale and helps to reinforce and encourage positive behavior.
"I would rather pick at the good stuff than deal with the negative," Futterlieb says. "Kids naturally want to be liked by their parents. Even teens."
And on those days when being a parent seems especially rough, the experts suggest remembering one thought: "Kids do grow up. This too shall pass."