Political Correctness is like cholesterol, Miss Manners has decided. It used to mean nothing but trouble. Then it was discovered that there was a good kind, as well as a bad kind.
Actually, the only person to have discovered Good P.C. is, in all modesty, Miss Manners. Bad P.C. is something everyone knows about. It has become a national resource, supplying huge amounts of both outrage and hilarity.Its detractors define P.C. as ridiculous, touchy, hostile, humorless responses to ordinary, previously acceptable, harmless, even pleasant, human discourse. This is illustrated with no end of stories about innocent people being vilified for saying or doing something unexceptionable:
"All I did was tell him, `You did a great job,' and he snarled that I wouldn't have been so condescending if he'd been white."
"When she came back from sick leave, her boss said she looked great, and she slapped him with a sexual harassment complaint."
"They won't let us put on `Everyman,' because they claim it's elitist." (History and literature provide frequent targets, because Bad P.C. works retroactively: Having been born, written and died long before the standard was recognized is no excuse.)
Miss Manners finds herself being drawn in, because insulting people on the basis of what was clearly said or done out of nothing but good will is, obviously, rude. No question about it.
In fact, this is so obvious that Miss Manners has become slightly suspicious of those stories. And when (as a polite cover-up for her inability to double up in shock or merriment at yet another of these tales) she asks dainty questions, some of these incidents turn out to be not quite so clear-cut.
Perhaps there was a previously omitted detail, such as that those pleasantries the lady was so touchy about had included a little friendly but unauthorized touching. Or that the gentleman who was so surly about his work was getting the dirty work not assigned to his peers.
Condemnation of P.C. has become so popular that the distinction between reacting to imaginary and real slights seems to have gotten lost. The anti-P.C. forces have succeeded in casting suspicion on anyone who won't accept the expression of bigotry with equanimity.
So one day, Miss Manners woke up from her afternoon nap and found that the bigots had managed to position themselves on the side of politeness, and to define the people who objected to bigotry as being rude.
Talk about outrage! P.C. at its most spluttering is nothing compared to Miss Manners' state when she found she was being leagued with the defenders of bigotry.
Bigotry is rude. (Practicing it is immoral, but expressing it is rude.)
Reacting against it rudely is also rude; that's the Bad P.C. But reacting against it in a civilized fashion is not rude. That's the Good P.C. This is actually more in keeping with the basic principles of manners, dignity and respect, than is ignoring bigotry, which may superficially - but deceptively - appear to be the polite response.
Here's how it works:
1. In identifying any rudeness, including bigotry, consideration must be given to motivation, so that people who are trying to be polite are not condemned on small or obscure technicalities. (This does not mean that ignorance of societywide standards is a defense, as Miss Manners keeps pointing out to those who have not yet heard that "honey" is not the female form of address equivalent to "sir.")
2. Those who believe that they have identified a new form of bigotry or other immorality are obliged to make their proposed rules known and accepted before they start attacking people for disobeying them. (In simpler times, Miss Manners could have taken this for granted, but impatient moralists now like to open with the punishment.)
3. Moral superiority does not confer immunity from the very standards one is trying to enforce. (Hurling epithets, invading privacy and inflicting humiliation are not legitimate weapons, even against people one wants to punish for hurling epithets, invading privacy and inflicting humiliation.)
4. Moral inferiority doesn't confer immunity, either. (It has become common now to preface of-fen-sive statements with, "I suppose I'm not being politically correct, but . . ." This does not work on Miss Manners, who has never let people off from the charge of being rude because they acknowledged that they are being rude - sort of the opposite of the temporary insanity plea.)
5. Objections to bigotry should match the severity of the transgression, ranging from "Surely I must have misunderstood you" to "I beg your pardon!" to "How dare you!" to "You will be hearing from my lawyer." Properly used, however, all of these are perfectly polite responses to highly impolite behavior.
6. Finally, pre-empting the term because it is catchy, and declaring one's own political views to be the standard of political correctness, even if they are irrelevant or in opposition to what is commonly understood by this, is another form of Bad P.C. It is also rude to add to the already sufficient amount of confusion in the world.
Dear Miss Manners: A group is out at dinner in a rather nice restaurant. A family affair. Close by is a similar situation.
One of the individuals at our table tries to spear a pat of butter. Unbelievably, it flies across the table and hits the man at the next table in the head.
However, it doesn't fall. It sticks to his bald head, and he never notices.
Should we quietly have told him what had happened? Should we have said nothing, hoping it would fall? Should we have tried to casually brush by him, hoping to knock it off?
This really happened! Thank you.
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners believes you, even though a few skeptics to whom she happened to mention this misfortune reached for their heads and declared it to be impossible.
They swore they would all know if they were being buttered up. Such is not Miss Manners' observation about human nature.
Anyway, there you are, wrestling with the laudable desire not to cause the gentleman further embarrassment, but not knowing whether this would best be achieved by confronting him or by allowing him to go around wearing a pat of butter on his head.
And you are asking Miss Manners to come up with something better.
How about pleading with the restaurateur to turn on the heat?