Let's try, for a moment, to imagine the conversation that might have taken place recently between "Dellaventura" star Danny Aiello and someone from the CBS programming department . . .
"Hey, Danny, babe, we love you! We love your show!" says the CBS exec. "We love they way you punch out the punks! We love the way you help all those poor schmucks straight out their crummy lives!""Well, gee, thanks," says Aiello.
"As a matter of fact, Danny baby, we love your show so much that we're going to order a few more episodes of it!" says the CBS exec.
"Hey, that's great," says Aiello.
"Oh, uh, Danny. There's just one more thing," says the CBS exec. "We're, uh, moving your show to Thursday nights at 9."
At which point, Aiello - a.k.a. Dellaventura - doesn't speak. He just punches out the punk from CBS.
It has to be the ultimate good news/bad news situation for Aiello. No one would have been particularly surprised had CBS chosen to cancel "Dellaventura," which is struggling in the ratings. Instead, the network extended its life (although by exactly how many episodes no one is saying).
But to find out send a struggling series to do battle with "ER," the top-rated show on television, is pretty much like having a death sentence pronounced.
But next month, "Dellaventura" and "48 Hours" are going to swap time slots. As of Dec. 4, Aiello's show moves to Thursdays.
And as of Tuesday, Dec. 9, "48 Hours" takes over the Tuesday at 9 p.m. time slot. And that's no free ride - the news magazine will have to battle both the strong, established "Dateline NBC" and the highly rated "NYPD Blue."
But maybe there is an audience out there for "Dellaventura" on Thursdays - all the viewers who don't like high-quality drama but prefer silly, over-the-top, underwritten foolishness.
GETTING DRAMATIC: According to CBS, here are how the new hourlong dramas on network television stack up this season in terms of their average rating/share:
1. "Brooklyn South," CBS 9.2/15
2. "Michael Hayes," CBS 8.2/13
3. "Dellaventura," CBS 7.6/13
4. "Ally McBeal," Fox, 6.6/10 5.
5. " Players," NBC, 6.2/12
6. "Sleepwalkers," NBC, 5.5/10
7. "The Visitor," Fox, 5.3/10
8. "Cracker," ABC 5.0/8
9. "Timecop," ABC 4.9/8
10. "Nothing Sacred," ABC, 4.8/8
11. "413 Hope St.," Fox, 4.6/7
12. "Total Security," ABC 4.5/8
13. "C-16," ABC, 4.4/8
GETTING DRAMATIC, PART 2: Keeping the above numbers in mind, let's take a closer look at what has happened to some of these shows.
- "Brooklyn South" is generally considered somewhat of a disappointment and is not performing up to expecations. It will, however, finish out the season on CBS and is expected to return next year.
- "Ally McBeal," despite a much lower rating, is a big success on Fox and has been renewed through the end of the season - a function of the lower expections at the fourth network.
- "Sleepwalkers" has gotten the ax from NBC after only two airings, having put what few viewers it had to sleep.
- "The Visitor" is reportedly hanging by a thread.
- "Timecop" has been canceled.
- "Nothing Sacred" has no real reason to survive, other than the fact that ABC seems determined not to cave in to pressure from those who are protesting against the show. The network has actually ordered a few more episodes.
- "413 Hope St." is supposedly just on hiatus, but the word is that it may never return.
- "Total Security" has been canceled by ABC, which is using specials to fill the time slot for the time being. The entertainment division has turned to the news division to fill the Saturday at 8 p.m. time slot, which will apparently be the home of rotating shows like "Peter Jennings Reporting," John Stossell specials and "Turning Point."
MORE "PRACTICE": On the bright side, ABC has already ordered another year of "The Practice" for the 1998-99 TV season.
And that's more than a bit surprising. The show certainly isn't setting any ratings records, although it is holding its own in a deadly Saturday-night time slot.
Not that "The Practice" doesn't deserve another season on the air. It's the best TV legal drama since "L.A. Law," and a lot more people ought to be tuning in.
LOTS MORE MAGIC: ABC, which is having more than its share of problems, has found a bit of magic on Friday nights - "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch."
The show is the highest-rated comedy on Fridays and has helped ABC fend off a challenge from CBS this season. The network is so pleased that it has ordered not one but two more complete seasons of the show, which stars Melissa Joan Hart as the title character.
Of course, you have to wonder how long they'll be able to keep the word "Teenage" in the title. Hart will be 25 by the time they're finished producing two more seasons of "Sabrina."
GIVE US A BREAK: Joan Lunden is doing another one of those insipid "Behind Closed Doors" specials - and this one promises to be the worst of the lot. She's going to become a Las Vegas showgirl.
Lunden as a showgirl is something no one needs to see.
RECASTING: As previously announced, "New York Undercover" will return to Fox as a midseason replacement show. The conjecture is that it will regain its Thursday 8 p.m. time slot, but that remains to be seen.
When "Undercover" is unwrapped, half of the original lead duo won't be there. Michael De-lor-en-zo has been dropped from the cast.
Malik Yoba will be joined by a female co-star, Marisa Ryan.
SHOW TO WATCH FOR: There's a title now for the forthcoming show from the creators/writers/execu-tive producers of "Party of Five" - "Significant Others."
The hourlong drama, about a group of twentysomething friends in Los Angeles, comes to us from the oh-so-talented Christopher Keyser and Amy Lippman. It's slated to debut on Fox sometime later this season.