One of the certainties of network TV is that whenever a show turns out to be a hit, lots of people are going to try to copy its success. And it's pretty much a sure thing that those attempts are going to be pale imitations of the original.
Such is the case with "Friends." That show is in its fourth season, and they're still trying - unsuccessfully - to copy it.
First up is NBC's "House Rules," which premieres tonight. Then it's ABC's "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place" on Wednesday.
Although the former has a better title than the latter, these two shows are remarkably similar. They each feature three twenty-somethings - two men and a woman - sharing living space. And all six characters seem to have stopped maturing when they were in junior high.
"House Rules" (tonight at 7:30 p.m. on Ch. 5) revolves around three lifelong friends sharing a house in Denver. Casey Farrell (Maria Pitillo of "Partners") is a lawyer - and, as her character says at one point, "the butch one." Billy McCloskey (David Newsom of "Homefront") is a medical student. Thomas Riley III (Bradley White) is a reporter.
All three characters could learn something about maturity from the kids on "Saved By the Bell."
There are tasteless jokes about sexual dysfunction and hermaphrodites. There is eighth grade humor like this:
"Everytime I bring a girlfriend over, you guys are all over them," Casey says.
"That is so not true," Riley retorts.
"Not that fat ones, anyway," McCloskey adds.
And when a gorgeous woman comes to the door, the two guys all but drool all over themselves.
"Can we get you anything - coffee, tea, internal organ? External organ?" Riley pants.
The pilot also resorts to one of the oldest cliches in sitcoms - the question of whether one of the major characters is going to leave. (Yeah, like one of the three leads is going to head off to Paris with her geeky boyfriend in the pilot.)
And here's how the guys try to hold onto their girlfriend. When the geeky boyfriend says, "I like her," McCloskey says, "I guess you figured that out right after she went off the pill."
"Am I nuts or did she mention that she was ovulating tonight?" Riley adds.
"Oh, like a henhouse," McCloskey says.
When that fails, the guys decide to propose to Casey. McCloskey's feelings are hurt when she laughs.
"Well, geez, it's not like I asked you to make monkeys fly out of your butt," he says.
That might have been more entertaining than "House Rules."
The biggest difference between that show and ABC's "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place" is that these other three self-absorbed, immature twentysomethings don't quite share the same living space - the guys live in one apartment and the girl lives in an adjacent unit.
The guys are graduate students - Berg (played by Jim Carrey wannabe Ryan Reynolds) is a fool majoring in philosophy; Pete (Richard Ruccolo) is a straight-arrow architect in training.
The third wheel is Sharon (Traylor Howard of "Boston Common"), a rather revolting yuppie who is modern avarice personified. She agonizes about selling her soul to make commission on 500 gallons of toxic chemicals she sold to an offshore oil rig, "So I can enjoy a weekend at the Cape, while killing off all sea life between here and Guam," Sharon says. "I hate myself!"
"Yeah, but you love your Beamer," Pete says.
"Love it!" she agrees enthusiastically.
It's hard to say who's more annoying, Sharon or Berg - one of those guys who isn't anywhere near as funny as he thinks he is.
Actually, he's written as an idiot. In Wednesday's premiere, he's testing an asthma medication - for a $50 paycheck.
"You know how they they always say not to exceed the recommended dosage?" Berg asks. "Well, I'm the guy who exceeds it so you know why you shouldn't."
"Well, I'm the guy who had to drive you to the hospital when the foot spray made your toenails fall off," Pete replies.
"They grew back thicker," Berg says.
Julius Carrey has little to do as the owner of the pizza place where the two guys work. Then there's Mr. Bauer (David Ogden Stiers), perhaps the most inexplicable character on TV this season. He's a confused sort who tells stories he insists are from his life - but are really the plots of old movies.
It's a gimmick that wears thin in less than one episode.
And that's not even mentioning the headache-inducing, herky-jerky, quick-cut camera work that opens the show and is used between scenes.
How similar are "House Rules" and "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place"? The second episode of "Two Guys" is about the guys trying to keep from losing their girl by keeping her from marrying a geek.
Oh, and neither show is funny.