Suzanne Somers is apparently under the impression that the USA cable movie "No Laughing Matter" would do for her what "The Burning Bed" did for Farrah Fawcett. Or what "Sybil" did for Sally Field.
That is - turn her into a legitimate actress based on a bravura performance as a woman dealing with a terrible problem.You can't blame Somers for trying, but it isn't going to turn out that way. Neither this movie nor her performance is anything to get excited about.
Fawcett's big chance came portraying a woman with an abusive husband. Field's breakthrough was the role of a woman with multiple personalities.
The subject (or, at least, one of the subjects) in "No Laughing Matter" (7 p.m., USA) is alcoholism. Somers plays Emma, the widowed mother of a teenage son who is also a fall-down, slobbering drunk. She's an embarrassment to both herself and her son, and generally makes a fool of herself.
Emma is generally so drunk that she's oblivious to the fact that her 17-year-old son, Charlie (Chad Christ) is in big trouble himself. Not only has he become the parent to his alcoholic mother, but he's got a rather pressing problem of his own - he's gotten his girlfriend (Selma Blair) pregnant.
Somers is, of course, known for fluffy roles on "Three's Company" and "Step by Step." And she has the talent to pull those kinds of roles off.
It quickly becomes obvious, however, that she's out of her depth in a role like this one. Her big scenes are full of over-the-top scenery-chewing.
And it's such a treat to see her barfing into the toilet.
Of course, the script is no help. Here we have this totally out-of-control alcoholic who, in the course of a weekend, not only dries out but turns her entire life around. It doesn't exactly ring true.
And "No Laughing Matter" degenerates into a rather ridiculous soap opera, what with the girlfriend's cartoonish mother, a silly subplot about Emma's romance with a cop and so on.
The really unfortunate thing is that young Christ appears to have some genuine talent. He's believable even when the movie isn't.
Christ is by far the best thing in this made-for-cable movie. Unfortunately, that's faint praise.
WAY COOL: Did you happen to catch Helen Hunt doing the Top 10 List on the "Late Show with David Letterman" last week? It was a classic.
Her category? What else would it be but the Top 10 Cool Things About Winning an Academy Award?
10. Weld it to the hood, and your '83 Buick becomes a kick-a-Oscarmobile.
9. Might get offered the lead in the sequel to "Cabin Boy"
8. Free lifetime supply of Oscar Meyer wieners
7. Now have something else to crush ice with besides my Nobel Peace Prize
6. It's fun to set off metal detectors at airports, then say, "Oh, that must be my Best Actress Oscar."
5. When I take tapes back to Blockbuster, no rewinding necessary
4. Add glasses to the Oscar, and it looks like Paul Shaffer.
3. Maybe now, if I hope and pray, Leonardo will finally notice me.
2. If they give me a bad review, I can have Siskel and Ebert's thumbs cut off.
1. My new pool boy: Steven Spielberg
MORE ON "FRIENDS": The "Friends" cast (minus the very pregnant Lisa Kudrow) and crew are in London this week filming the hourlong season finale, which does indeed turn out to be the "whirlwind wedding" of Ross (David Schwimmer) and his British girlfriend, Emily (Helen Baxendale).
And the guest cast is growing longer - and a little bit regal. The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, will be making a brief appearance in the episode. As herself, naturally. Fergie has a chance meeting with Joey (Matt LeBlanc) in front of the Parliament building.
Other guest stars include Jennifer Saunders ("Absolutely Fabulous") and Tom Conti as Emily's parents, and Hugh Laurie ("Sense and Sensibility"), who shows up as an "unsympathetic airline passenger" who sits next to Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) on her flight to London.
And Richard Branson, the flamboyant founder and chairman of the Virgin Group of Companies, makes a brief appearance as a "colorful street vendor" who interacts with Joey and Chandler (Matthew Perry).
The episode is scheduled for Thursday, May 7, at 7 p.m. on NBC/Ch. 5.
STILL HOLDING OUT: The four "striking" voice actors on "The Simpsons" - Dan Castellaneta, Yeardly Smith, Hank Azaria and Harry Shearer - are still holding out as of this writing.
They've agreed on salary - reportedly about $50,000 per episode (and they work one day per episode) - but they're refusing to report to work until they get a cut of the future syndication revenues of the show. They've already held up production of next season's shows, which was scheduled to begin March 5.
Word is that Fox is auditioning replacement voice actors.
Stay tuned . . .
VIDBITS: Patti D'Arbanville, last seen on "New York Undercover," has joined the cast of the CBS daytime soap "Guiding Light." She'll play Selena Davis, Abigal Bauer's cellmate.
- The real-life Soup Nazi, New York super soup man Al Yeganeh, is booked on the "Late Show with David Letterman." Made infamous by a parody on "Seinfeld" - a show he openly hates - he'll appear on May 12, just two days before the final episode of the sitcom is scheduled to air.