As Fred Allen once said, imitation is the sincerest form of television.
The broadcast networks' big fall push - complete with 36 new entertainment series, two new movie nights and a couple of additional news magazines - may be new, but it won't be different. There's a certain sameness as programmers continue to imitate themselves for the most part.More loud, brash sitcoms. More sci-fi series. More medical dramas. Another addition of "Dateline NBC" (bringing the total to five). Another edition of "20/20" (bringing the total to three, including the former "PrimeTime Live").
Even "Will & Grace," the new sitcom that features a gay man as a lead character, is an idea that harks back to "Ellen."
What's even more amazing than the new shows' similarity to their predecessors are the often striking similarities to each other. How did the network end up with two sit-coms about black families moving into white neighborhoods? With two comedies about young women who have to move back in with their parents - and a third about a young woman who never left?
With three shows about single fathers? With two stunningly similar comedies about overweight blue-collar guys living in New York with unwanted in-laws?
How about the fact that there are no fewer than five shows coming our way that involve Irish families - the romantic comedy "To Have and to Hold," the sitcom "Costello," the serial "Legacy" and the dramas "Trinity" and "Turks."
The last two are amazingly similar - both about large Irish-Catholic families living in big cities with fathers and children who are cops. ("Trinity" is on NBC's fall schedule; "Turks" is a CBS midseason replacement show.)
Of course, each of the people involved in these mirror-image shows professes to have no knowledge of their counterparts.
"Actually, it was only after we had the pick-up that I heard about it," said "Trinity" creator John Wells when asked about "Turks."
"I don't know about the other shows," said "Turks" creator Robert Singer. "I've seen `Trinity.' I don't think that's really like this."
If you say so, Bob.
Joanne Waters, the creator of "To Have and to Hold," replied rather succinctly when asked why the Irish seem to be so hot right now.
"Riverdance," she said.
As always, however, it's all in the execution for TV shows. Coming-of-age dramas like "Felicity" have been done before, but rarely this well. "Will & Grace" is well-written, acted and directed, making up for any lack of originality.
Here's what the fall of 1998 holds in store for TV viewers:
QUALITY DRAMAS
These shows may not all achieve the status of quality dramas, but they're all striving in that direction.
FELICITY (Tuesdays, 8 p.m., WB/Ch. 30) follows an appealing if rather confused 17-year-old (Keri Russell) on her coming-of-age journey. In the pilot episode, Felicity defies her parents' wishes and spurns Stanford to follow a boy she barely knows to New York City, where she attends a fictional university patterned on NYU. Felicity makes new friends, faces new challenges and learns that decisions have consequences.
The lowdown: This is the single best pilot of the fall season, which shows promise of becoming the single best show. Russell is an absolute delight; all the characters are well-drawn and convincing; and the situations ring true (in a heightened sort of way).
The outlook: The teen set is going to be talking about this show, and adults ought to tune in and see what it's all about. And, given the lower ratings expectations at the WB, this show is an almost certain hit.
Debut date: Sept. 29
L.A. DOCTORS (Mondays, 9 p.m., CBS/Ch. 2) features four physicians (Ken Olin of "thirtysomething," Matt Craven, Rick Roberts and Sheryl Lee of "Twin Peaks") who operate a private practice that's dedicated to patients instead of the business of medicine. The doctors run the gamut from a slick, single guy to a family man to a tortured divorced guy and the earnest woman they hire.
The lowdown: This show wants to do for doctors what "L.A. Law" did for lawyers - but it's nowhere near that good. It's a decent hour with possibilities, however.
The outlook: It ought to do fairly well for CBS.
Debut date: Sept. 21
HYPERION BAY (Mondays, 8 p.m., WB/Ch. 30) is a relationship drama that centers on two brothers and their father. Dennis (Mark-Paul Gosselaar of "Saved by the Bell") was a high-school nerd who returns to his failing hometown as a hugely successful computer entrepreneur who's bringing a factory with him. (Not to mention a beautiful girlfriend, played by Sydney Penny.) Older brother Nick (Dylan Neal) was the Big Man on Campus in high school, but his life - and his marriage - are falling apart. And the two compete for the favor of their father (Raymond J. Barry).
The lowdown: The pilot wasn't great, but it did show promise (and it's being reworked somewhat). The writing talent is certainly there, headed by Humanitas Prize-winning creator/executive producer Joseph Daugherty ("thirty-something"). This is one worth keeping an eye on.
The outlook: It's going to be tough opposite "Ally McBeal" and "Monday Night Football."
Debut date: Sept. 21
TRINITY (Fridays, 8 p.m., NBC/Ch. 2) is about the trials and tribulations of a large working-class, Irish-Catholic clan in New York City's Hell's Kitchen. The parents (the father is an ex-cop) are in the background, but the action centers on the young-adult children, who run the gamut from a priest (Tate Donovan) to a cop to a union organizer to a drunken teacher to a stockbroker who's involved with a married man.
The lowdown: Don't let the fact that this series comes to us from "ER" executive producer John Wells fool you - this is a show that needs a lot of work. It's full of every Irish stereotype you can think of; it's rather convoluted and confusing; and it just doesn't seem real.
The outlook: This is a not-great show in a not-great time slot that could end up being one of the more high-profile failures of the season.
Debut date: Oct. 16
A LITTLE ROMANCE
Romance has never really gone out of style, but it is being done with a couple of different twists this season.
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD (Wednesdays, 8 p.m., CBS/Ch. 2) skips right past all that will-they-or-won't-they sexual intrigue. In the first episode, Annie (Moria Kelly) and Sean (Jason Beghe) get married - which is nice because they've been sleeping together for years. She's a public defender. He's a cop. Their jobs bring them into conflict. Oh, and there are big Irish families to deal with as well.
The lowdown: Well, this is really sort of a silly, unrealistic show - but it's also the sort that just might sweep you off your feet and make you fall in love with it.
The outlook: It's a tough time slot, and the odds are not in this show's favor.
Debut date: Sept. 30
CUPID (Sautrdays, 9 p.m., ABC/Ch. 2) is not only a romance but a bit of a mystery. Is the main character (played by Jeremy Piven of "Ellen") really the Greek god Cupid, sent to Earth as punishment and ordered to unite 100 couples with only mortal powers, or is he a nut? His beautiful psychiatrist (Paula Marshall) thinks he's nuts, but she's also strangely attracted to him. And, whatever he is, Cupid is a charming, appealing and lovable guy.
The lowdown: This show is a lot better than it sounds - it's downright charming.
The outlook: This is the sort of feel-good show that just might work on Saturday nights. (And it's certainly an alternative to the violence on "Walker, Texas Ranger" and "Profiler.")
Debut date: Sept. 26
WOMEN OF THE '90s
This year's crop of single women in sitcoms aren't exactly the go-getting type. Two have had to move back home and the third never left.
COSTELLO (Tuesdays, 7:30 p.m., Fox/Ch. 13) stars standup comedian Sue Costello as Sue Murphy, a 27-year-old barmaid from South Boston who's got an attitude and a mouth on her. She's trying to better herself, though - she's seeing a therapist and she dumps the longtime boyfriend she was about to marry. But that means she has to move back in with her family and fight with her parents.
The lowdown: This loud, raucous half hour isn't as funny as Costello is in person, but it does have possibilities. Be warned, however - it's also rather crude.
The outlook: If "King of the Hill" succeeds on Tuesdays, so will "Costello."
Debut date: Premiered Sept. 8
MAGGIE WINTERS (Wednesdays, 7:30 p.m., CBS/Ch. 2) stars Faith Ford ("Murphy Brown") as a thirtysomething woman who was voted "most likely to succeed" in her small-town high school - but she's back home from the big city after a failed marriage. Maggie moves back in with her mother, starts looking for work and discovers her old friends are still stuck in high school.
The lowdown: This is sort of a kinder, gentler "Costello." Ford is as appealing as ever, but there's not much of a show built around her.
The outlook: Pretty dim.
Debut date: Sept. 30
JESSE (Thursdays, 7:30 p.m., NBC/Ch. 5) stars Christina Applegate ("Married . . . With Children") as a 26-year-old single mother and barmaid with a bit of an attitude. She lives at home with her loud father, her older brother (who doesn't speak) and her younger brother, a self-style entrepreneur with a history of failure.
The lowdown: Another show that's not real bad, but not real good. Applegate is a lot better than you might expect, but the show seems sort of directionless.
The outlook: Hey, it's on Thursday nights on NBC so lots of people are going to watch. But whether it can hold on to a high enough percentage of the "Friends" viewers remains to be seen.
Debut date: Sept. 24
MEN OF THE '90S
WILL & GRACE (Mondays, 8:30 p.m., NBC/Ch. 5) contains both a man and a woman of the '90s - Will is gay; Grace is not; they're best friends. They're also both looking for love, having recently ended long-term involvements. And the supporting cast is a hoot, including Grace's wealthy socialite assistant (Megan Mullally) and Will's verging-on-campy gay friend, Jack (Sean Hayes of "Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss").
The lowdown: This is the best new sitcom on the networks' fall schedule. It's witty, full of laughs and populated by likable characters. The producers/writers have gone for quality instead of controversy, and - at least in the pilot - they've succeeded.
The outlook: This show shouldn't elicit the outcry that surrounded "Ellen" (which was mediocre at best, anyway) and will probably do about as well as the show that precedes it, "Caroline in the City." But it probably won't be a big break-out hit.
Debut date: Sept. 21
CONRAD BLOOM (Mondays, 7:30 p.m., NBC/Ch. 5) stars Mark Feurstein as a New York City copywriter and all-around good guy who's at the mercy of the many women in his life - his ex-girlfriend/best friend; his sister; his boss; and his mother (Linda Lavin of "Alice"). And he's also trying to keep his advertising idol, a drugged-out ex-star in his field (Steven Landesberg of "Barney Miller") from getting fired.
The lowdown: When Lavin is on screen as the too-needy, recently widowed mother, "Conrad Bloom" crackles. When she's not there, it fizzles. And she's not there enough.
The outlook: This is another mediocre addition to NBC's mediocre Monday-night lineup that might do OK but won't be anything worth getting excited about.
Debut date: Sept. 21
THE BRIAN BENBEN SHOW (Mondays, 8:30 p.m., CBS/Ch. 2) features Benben (HBO's "Dream On") as a TV news anchor at a local station in Los Angeles who is suddenly and unceremoniously dumped in favor of a gorgeous but vapid younger man. Brian is forced to take a job doing silly personality pieces, but he's determined to undermine his replacement and regain his old job.
The lowdown: There's some outrageous humor here, and its utterly viciousness toward TV news is amusing. But it's also wildly uneven and often mistakes tastelessness for humor.
The outlook: It seems a rather odd show to match with the warm, sweet "Everybody Loves Raymond." And if the quality doesn't even out at a higher level, it'll be outta here before long.
Debut date: Sept. 21
ENCORE! ENCORE! (Tuesdays, 7:30 p.m., NBC/Ch. 5) is a star vehicle for Nathan Lane, who plays a womanizing opera star who squandered his money on high living and, when he suffers a vocal injury, must return to his family's Napa Valley winery. And he's got to try to fit back into the family that includes his feisty mother (Joan Plowright), his younger sister (Glenne Headly) and his 16-year-old nephew.
The lowdown: On the plus side, this comes to us from the producers of "Frasier." But the original pilot was so bad it was largely recast and almost completely rewritten. And at this point, critics have not seen any footage of the show - which is a terrible, terrible sign. (The only other time this has happened with a fall premiere in the '90s was with last year's awful "Union Square.")
The outlook: It's impossible to say at this point.
Debut date: Sept. 22
BLUE-COLLAR GUYS
Not only are these two sitcoms similar, but they both bear more than a passing resemblence to a failed ABC sitcom from last season - "That's Life." (These shows are both better than that one, which starred the thoroughly unlikable Gerry Red Wilson.)
THE KING OF QUEENS (Mondays, 7:30 p.m., CBS/Ch. 2) stars Kevin James ("Everybody Loves Raymond") as an overweight parcel delivery man in Queens who's happily married to a beautiful woman (Leah Remini of "Fired Up") and loves hanging out with his buddies. But his life is changed when his father-in-law (Jerry Stiller) moves in, and he's got a sister-in-law who's always around.
The lowdown: James is very likable and, while not terribly funny, so is this sitcom. The danger is that we may see too much of Stiller, who's best taken in small doses.
The outlook: Won't be a big hit but could be a nice fit between "Cosby" and "Raymond."
Debut date: Sept. 21
DIRESTA (Mondays, 7:30 p.m., UPN/Ch. 14): John DiResta - who was a real-life New York City transit cop until a few months ago - stars as an overweight New York City transit cop who has to deal with his wife (Leila Kenzle of "Mad About You"), their two young children, a sister-in-law who's around too much and a tough, thankless job.
The lowdown: Another show that's likable rather than funny.
The outlook: UPN has lower expectations, so this could be around for a while. It's pretty mediocre - which makes it better than the vast majority of the sitcoms UPN has programmed to this point.
Debut date: Oct. 5
GUY SHOWS
Network television appeals largely to a female audience, but the networks are making an effort to find shows that bring males to the TV.
BUDDY FARO (Fridays, 8 p.m., CBS/Ch. 2) is the man (Dennis Farina) who was once the biggest private eye in Hollywood. A guy who hung out with Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. But he's been in hiding in Mexico - and letting himself go - for the past 20 years until he's located by a nebbishy P.I. (Frank Whaley) who brings him back to L.A. Buddy's back, but he's a fish out of water who has to adjust to life in the '90s.
The lowdown: This show's creator/executive producer/writer, Mark Frost, is a veteran of "Hill Street Blues" and "Twin Peaks" - and he seems to have combined the two in "Buddy." It's quirky and odd while at the same time laugh-out-loud funny. And the plot is smart, witty and entertaining.
The outlook: Even women are going to like this "guy show" if they give it a chance. Whether it can find an audience on Friday nights is the question.
Debut date: Sept. 25
MARTIAL LAW (Saturdays, 8 p.m., CBS/Ch. 2) can be summed up fairly easily. Hong Kong martial-arts star Sammo Hung stars as Sammo Law, who joins forces with the LAPD (his partners are played by Tammy Lauren and Louis Mandylor) to fight crime in America.
The lowdown: This is a series that rests almost entirely on the talents of Hung - which is a bit of a gamble for an American TV network, given that the guy barely speaks English. But there's something oddly appealing about both the star and his show. The character doesn't carry a gun but can beat the crud out of anyone with anything - as he does with a chalkboard eraser in the pilot episode. (Parents should, of course, be aware that the show is loaded with martial-arts violence.)
The outlook: The "Dr. Quinn" crowd isn't going to tune in, but this show is a potential hit.
Debut date: Sept. 26
THE SECRET LIVES OF MEN (Wednesday, 8:30 p.m., ABC/Ch. 4) is a comedy about the hilarious subject of divorce. Three thirtysomething divorced guys - a driven career guy, a good-looking guy pining for his ex-wife and a dope - hang out together, play golf together and commiserate together.
The lowdown: This is supposed to be a comedy, but it's not particularly funny. It's sort of a younger, male version of "The Golden Girls" without the laughs.
The outlook: If it survives at all, it will be on the fumes of "The Drew Carey Show," which precedes it.
Debut date: Sept. 30
SPORTS NIGHT (Tuesdays, 8:30 p.m., ABC/Ch. 4) is sort of the ultimate guys show - a mix of ESPN's "SportsCenter" and comedy. It's about a pair of best friends (Peter Krause and Josh Charles) who host a nightly sports wrap-up show (titled "Sports Night," of course). The cast includes their driven female producer, their stoic male executive producer (Robert Guillaume of "Benson") and various staffers - and the humor flies despite the pressures and behind-the-scenes drama.
The lowdown: This is actually one of the best new shows of the season - but it isn't exactly a sitcom. There's as much drama as there is comedy in the pilot (although the network is loathe to use the word "dramady," which is associated with a number of past failures). The cast is talented and the writing is crisp and intelligent.
The outlook: Quality doesn't always translate into success. And, because this is not a traditional sitcom, the question is whether viewers will take the time to discover how good it is.
Debut date: Sept. 22
VENGEANCE UNLIMITED (Thursdays, 7 p.m., ABC/Ch. 4) is all about - you guessed it! - vengeance. Mr. Chapel (Michael Madsen) is a man who has suffered some great wrong in his life and goes about helping others. In the pilot, when a young mother is brutally murdered and her killer goes free, Chapel plots to send the guy to jail for a similar crime. Of course, his services aren't free. You can either pay him $1 million or promise to do him a favor on demand - favors he uses to get the next bad guy.
The lowdown: This seems inspired by the frustration over things like the O.J. Simpson criminal trial, but while Mr. Chapel doesn't shoot or kill anyone there is the somewhat troubling specter of a show that glorifies vigilantism. Still, it's an OK show - or would be if Madsen weren't such a stiff in the lead role.
The outlook: The producers of this show may soon be looking for revenge against the network executives who cancel it.
Debut date: Previews on Tuesday, Sept. 29, at 9 p.m.; premieres Oct. 1.
SINGLE FATHERS
Somehow it's always been easier to write for fathers who don't have partners in TV sitcoms - and that's the central premise in three new shows this fall.
HOLDING THE BABY (Sundays, 6:30 p.m., Fox/Ch. 13) is about a guy who is abandoned by his wife and must raise his infant son with help from his dim-bulb brother and a novice nanny while balancing fatherhood with a high-pressure career.
The lowdown: At best, this is average stuff. At worst, it's a string of vulgar jokes about bodily functions.
The outlook: Should be an early cancellation.
Debut date: Premiered Aug. 23
GUYS LIKE US (Mondays, 7 p.m., UPN/Ch. 14): A young single guy (Bumper Robinson) is forced to care for his precocious 6-year-old brother (Maestro Harrell) while his father is out of the country for more than a year. The second young single guy (Chris Hardwick of MTV's "Singled Out") - the roommate - isn't thrilled.
The lowdown: This is sitcom-by-the-numbers that's as unoriginal as dirt. Hardwick may be the least-talented actor in television, and precocious 6-year-olds should be banned from TV altogether.
The outlook: Sadly, this could appeal to kids and stick around for a while.
Debut date: Sept. 5
BROTHER'S KEEPER (Fridays, 8:30 p.m., ABC/Ch. 4) is about a single father who ends up raising not only his son but his adult brother. William Ragsdale ("Herman's Head") stars as an uptight college professor and single father of a bright 8-year-old boy (Justin Cooper of "Liar, Liar"). But his ordered life is upset when his wild brother, an NFL bad-boy with a penchant for partying and womanizing, moves in with him.
The lowdown: This isn't bad for a "T.G.I.F." show. It's not real good, but if you're an adult, it's watchable and if you're a kid, you just might be entertained.
The outlook: This one should last out the season at least.
Debut date: Sept. 25
BLACK AND WHITE
ABC and Fox both have sitcoms about black people working into white suburbia, and while neither is great ABC's is by far the better of the two.
THE HUGHLEYS (Tuesdays at 7:30 p.m., ABC/Ch. 4) features stand-up comedian Darryl Hughley as a successful guy with a gorgeous wife and two great kids. His problem? He's afraid that by moving to a predominantly white neighborhood his family will lose their African-American identity.
The lowdown: ABC has huge hopes for this series, but it's not immediately apparent why. This is an OK sitcom, but nothing worth getting all excited about.
The outlook: There's a lot of competition here and its lead-in, "Home Improvement," is fading. It's hard to imagine this will be the big hit ABC thinks it will be.
Debut date: Sept. 22
LIVING IN CAPTIVITY (Fridays, 7 p.m., Fox/Ch. 13) is more of an ensemble comedy - a successful black couple moves into a previously all-white suburb between an obnoxious, bigoted guy and his bimbo wife on one side and a sensitive writer and his driven attorney wife on the other.
The lowdown: This comes to us from the producers of "Murphy Brown," but there's absolutely no resemblence. There are no laughs in the pilot episode at all, just shallow stereotypes that border on painful.
The outlook: This won't last long.
Debut date: Premiered Sept. 11
SCI-FI/FANTASY
There's nothing really new or original about any of these shows, but a couple of them are surprisingly good.
FANTASY ISLAND (Saturdays, 8 p.m., ABC/Ch. 4) is one of those surprises - this quirky, twisted, rather dark updating of the old series is a treat. Malcolm McDowell is the new Mr. Roarke, and he and his assistants - who seem to be in some sort of purgatory, paying for past crimes - make their guests' fantasies come true. Which isn't always a pretty sight.
The lowdown: With Barry Sonnenfeld (who directed "Men in Black," "Get Shorty" and "The Addams Family") as an executive producer, you know you're going to get a different twist on "Fantasy Island." If they can maintain the quality of the pilot, this will be worth watching.
The outlook: This may scare off the show's old friends, so ABC is going to have to get the word out the hipper crowd.
Debut date: Sept. 26
SEVEN DAYS (Wednesdays, 7 p.m., UPN/Ch. 14) is another big surprise. When the president, vice president and much of the cabinet are assassinated, an institutionalized rebel (Jonathan LaPaglia) is recruited by a secret government agency to go back in time seven days and prevent the murders - and he stays on to right other wrongs. Although this is extremely similar to last year's failed "Time Cop" on ABC, the "Seven Days" pilot is much better - it's exciting and enjoyable (if rather violent for children).
The lowdown: A lot depends on whether the producers can maintain the quality of the two-hour pilot in the one-hour episodes. If so, they may have a winner on their hands.
The outlook: It's not going to be a big hit - what is on UPN? - but it looks like a good companion to "Star Trek: Voyager."
Debut date: Oct. 7
CHARMED (Wednesdays, 8 p.m., WB/Ch. 30) is the story of three sisters (Shannen Doherty, Holly Marie Combs and Alyssa Milano) who are often at odds who discover they are witches - and that their powers increase when they work together.
The lowdown: Rather simplistic show that's also a nearly total rip-off of the movie "The Witches of Eastwick." Constance Burge, who "created" the show, should be sued for plagiarism. Nonetheless, there's potential here - but whether the writing talent is good enough to capitalize on that potential remains to be seen.
The outlook: The crowd that might be interested in this will probably be watching "Party of Five."
Debut date: Oct. 7
BRIMSTONE (Tuesdays, 8 p.m., Fox/Ch. 13) stars Peter Horton ("thirtysomething") as Ezekiel Stone, a former New York City cop who died and went to hell after killing the man who raped his wife. But when 113 of the "worst souls" in the underworld escape, the devil offers Stone a shot at redemption if he captures them all and returns them to hell.
The lowdown: This show is unpleasant, violent and unremittingly dark. I shudder to think what the target audience is.
The outlook: It's hard to imagine how this could possible succeed.
Debut date: Oct. 6
MERCY POINT (Tuesdays, 8 p.m., UPN/Ch. 14) follows a group of talented and dedicated doctors who happen to work on a 23rd-century space station on the edge of explored space.
The lowdown: The network would like you to think of this as "ER" in outer space. But it's really just a weak medical drama accompanied by various soap-opera doings that has a few sci-fi trappings slapped on to try to make it look like something different.
The outlook: If it's not dead on arrival, it will be soon afterward.
Debut date: Oct. 6
PRIME-TIME SOAPS
LEGACY (Fridays, 7 p.m., UPN/Ch. 14) follows the lives of the Logans, a family of wealthy ranchers in late-19th century Kentucky. There's the widowed patriarch and five attractive young children who get involved with various bad guys and such soap-opera plots as family feuds and secret romances. Think "Dallas" meets "Legends of the Fall."
The lowdown: All the ingredients are here for a pretty good serial, but they somehow don't quite come together in the pilot. It has possibilities but will have to improve to survive.
The outlook: UPN has high hopes for this series, so it will probably get a good chance to succeed. This is a new night for the network, however, which makes the task all the harder.
Debut date: Oct. 9
WIND ON WATER (Saturdays, 7 p.m., NBC/Ch. 5) is an attempt to update "Dynasty" by throwing in surfing, skiing and horseback riding. Bo Derek stars as family matriarch Ciel Connolly, who owns a huge but financially strapped ranch on the big island of Hawaii. Lee Horsely is the bad guy, who covets both the ranch and Ciel. But most of the action involves their 20ish, extremely attractive children, whose lives intertangle in traditional soapy ways.
The lowdown: Both the scenery and the cast are beautiful to look at, but the writing makes "Beverly Hills, 90210" look like Shakespeare. It's unintentionally silly and decidedly stupid.
The outlook: Oh, NBC will probably tell us what a big hit it is - right up to the not-too-distant moment when the network cancels it.
Debut date: Oct. 17
FOR CHILDREN ONLY
You'll notice there aren't many shows for the kids - a grand total of one.
TWO OF A KIND (Fridays, 7 p.m., ABC/Ch. 4) reunites Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen with the producers of "Full House." This time they play twins (duh!) - one a tomboy, one a little lady - who are a handful for their single father (Christopher Sieber). But they're much in favor of the young, sassy new nanny (Sally Wheeler) - who is, of course, a potential love interest for dear old Dad.
The lowdown: This is the same sort of awwww-inspiring, sickeningly sweet, unrealistic comedy that the Olsen participated in on "Full House." The Olsens still can't act, but Sieber and Wheeler are pretty good in supporting roles.
The outlook: This is about as sure a hit as there is on the fall schedule. The same young kids who loved "Full House" are going to love "Two of a Kind."
Debut date: Sept. 25
NOSTALGIA
Ah, yes, the good ol' days - the 1970s.
THAT '70S SHOW (Sundays, 7:30 p.m., Fox/Ch. 13) follows the adventures of six Midwestern 17-year-olds in the year 1976 as they negotiate the perils of coming of age in an age when "Charlie's Angels," disco and really bad clothes were king.
The lowdown: This is a very funny show that skewers the '70s and is both oddly realistic and sort of a cleaned-up version at the same time. The caveat is the program's occasional employment of drug and alcohol use by teens as the source of humor.
The outlook: Looks like a hit.
Debut date: Premiered Aug. 23
UTTER GARBAGE
Sometimes shows are just so terrible it's hard to believe they even made it on the air.
SECRET DIARIES OF DESMOND PFEIFFER (Mondays, 8 p.m., UPN/Ch. 14) is set behind the scenes at the Lincoln White House. Desmond Pfeiffer is the president's butler/valet/unofficial adviser - a black man who is supposedly a British nobleman. (Huh?) Lincoln himself alternates between lusting after his secretary and expressing desire for young boys, while Mary Todd Lincoln is an unrepetenten nymphomaniac. Well, you get the idea.
The lowdown: This is the single worst show of the year. The writing is horrifically bad, the acting is awful and even the production values are weak. This is as bad as network television gets.
The outlook: Oh, puh-lease. If this lasts more than a few weeks it will be because UPN has nothing to replace it with.
Debut date: Oct. 5
THE ARMY SHOW (Sundays, 8:30 p.m., WB/Ch. 30) follows the adventures of a convicted computer hacker (non-actor John Sencio, the former MTV veejay) who is sentenced to join the Army. He arrives at Fort Bendix, which is manned by a group of idiots, led by a crooked master sergeant (David Higgins of "Ellen") who are in the Army for the money they can make illegally.
The lowdown: For the WB to compare this piece of junk to "Sgt. Bilko" is TV sacrilege. The least surprising news of the fall is that the U.S. Army refused to have anything to do with this show. If the actors had been smart, they would have refused to be in the show.
The outlook: Expect a quick and dishonorable discharge.
Debut date: Sept. 13