A Deseret News reader who called the other day to thank us for publishing a column that had urged parents to be more involved with their children had some interesting things to say.
This lady said she is 87 years old and has grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and with a grandmother's wisdom, she said she tries to encourage all the mothers and fathers in her family to be more than custodial parents.We talked about how the world has changed and the many new challenges parents face: television, pornography, the Internet, movies and music that often pander to base instincts.
She made what should be an obvious point but is often overlooked by busy, worried, overextended and sometimes hopelessly disadvantaged parents: Mothers and fathers are their children's first role models and have more influence on them than anyone else.
Parenting is a full-time job, and it can't be delegated to anybody else. We don't get time off from being parents to pursue careers, take trips, engage in hobbies, have fun or enroll in school. Once you become a parent, you've got the title for life.
There is a new realization of this fact of life among some high-profile people from rock stars to politicians. Magazines from Rolling Stone to People to the New York Times Magazine describe how performers are taking their families on the road in order to be more than absentee parents, and members of Congress are taking their babies to work.
I remember when country music star Vince Gill a couple of years ago shaved his head to prove to his young daughter that character is more important than appearance.
It's not easy being a diligent parent these days. When I was growing up, there were fewer insidious outside influences bent on promoting a valueless lifestyle. And government didn't seem to feel a compulsion -- often justified -- to take over the parenting role.
In recent years in Salt Lake City and county, lawmakers have attempted to force parents to keep their kids out of jail and in school.
A "parental responsibility" ordinance in Salt Lake City required juvenile offenders and their parents to go to counseling. After two years, Police Chief Ruben Ortega said the program was not cost-effective. Some 211 families had participated, and 60 percent of those who took the counseling with their parents stayed out of trouble. But more than 4,500 letters had been sent to parents demanding they get involved.
Another truancy bill is floating around the state Legislature now to fine parents whose children under age 18 miss school consistently.
Laws have been passed to force divorced parents to pay child support. Laws and potential laws addressing everything from abortion to getting a driver's license or a tattoo are aimed at requiring parents to sign off -- and hopefully talk to their children -- before a minor can make decisions that affect them permanently.
The controversial v-chip for television and filtering devices for the Internet and even the TV and movie rating systems are further attempts by government and business to fill in the gaps left by absent or uncaring parents.
A mother called my office last year, determined to blame me for her son's behavior. She said our concert review of a rock group is the reason she can't keep her son from attending concerts she thinks are inappropriate for him. It's the media's fault that she has no control over her 14-year-old son.
But there is really nobody else to blame, and it shouldn't be the job of government or the media to take on the role of parents.
It's no fun to set rules and make your very young children abide by them. It's sometimes inconvenient to preview movies or television shows or music CDs your children want to buy or see. It takes time to educate children about the Internet and the dangers of some of its content. But there really is no alternative.
It takes time to get involved at school and to know your children's teachers; it's expensive to pay for quality child care and difficult to make arrangements with neighbors or others to watch children while you're at work or to go through the process of getting child-care assistance.
But the alternative can never be to let children run loose with no supervision.
There are excuses for bad parenting but no good reason for it.