ABC's movie "Inside the Osmonds" is hokey, ridiculous, ugly and out-of-date.
And that's just the clothes.
Actually, this latest retelling of the Osmond Saga (Monday, 7 p.m., ABC/Ch. 4) is about what you'd expect — high-energy entertainment mixed with old-fashioned family values. And a bit of the unexpected as well, as it attempts to delve into some of the family's problems and struggles.
"It shows a very undisclosed side of this family of mine," Donny Osmond said in a recent interview with TV critics. "It shows the hard times. It shows the difficult times financially, careerwise, things like that."
Indeed, it's less sugary sweet than the last such project, 1982's "Side by Side: The True Story of the Osmond Family." (The new project also calls into question how "True" the old one was.) This time around, the story picks up shortly after the Osmond Brothers (as they were then known) left "The Andy Williams Show" and tried to make it as a rock group — and weren't particularly well-received to begin with.
But with talent, determination and the help of some good producers, the group was soon on top of the music world, selling millions of records, performing before thousands of screaming fans and banking tens of millions of dollars.
That is, before the advent of "The Donny and Marie Show" in 1976. As the movie plays out, the comedy/variety show that proved to be popular for a relatively brief time (it lasted but 3 1/2 seasons) ended up ruining the Osmonds' careers. The moral of the movie seems to be that they thrived with their squeaky-clean images intact, but they almost couldn't survive how stupid the TV show made them appear.
As Donny said just a couple of weeks ago, he "disappeared after 'The Donny and Marie Show' ended."
(This is, by the way, an authorized biography. Youngest brother Jimmy — credited as James A. Osmond — is one of the executive producers, and the other family members signed off on the project.)
There are plenty of religious references — not only are family members shown praying (on several occasions), but there's talk of missions and statements like the fictional papa George saying, "People are going to judge us for our beliefs. Get used to it."
It can get a bit heavy-handed at times, however — like a scene in which a producer makes an innocent comment about taking a "coffee break" and the fictional Osmonds react like they've just been told to take heroin.
And, as a movie, about the best thing that can be said about "Inside the Osmonds" is that it's good, campy fun. It's at its best when it's re-creating the family's performances — complete with costumes (white jumpsuits were big), choreography and the still-identifiable moves. And lots of Osmond music — big hits ranging from "One Bad Apple" to "Yo-Yo" to "Crazy Horses" to "Puppy Love" to "Paper Roses" and much more. But the script (by Matt Dorf, who also penned the "Growing Up Brady" teleplay) is weak, and the direction (by Neill Fearnley, whose credits include "Daydream Believers: The Monkees Story") and acting (mostly by a bunch of unknowns, many obviously hired for their look-alike ability) is weaker still.
There are moments in the telefilm that seem destined for camp classic status. Sure, it's great to see rich, talented and successful people like the Osmonds stick to their moral standards, but the ineptly staged and acted scene in which the fictional Donny and Jay fight off a couple of girls they're making out with in their hotel room is laugh-out-loud funny.
"I can't remember if I ever kissed a girl from Minnesota before," the Donny character says.
And when the girls get, um, frisky, the Jay character says, "You are very, very beautiful and we are very normal, but we believe it's wrong."
"Until we're married," Donny adds.
"Well, that's a switch," one of the disappointed girls says.
Unlike some earlier tellings of the Osmond Saga, however, "Inside" does chip into their perfect image (if leaving them as squeaky clean as always). The boys disagree with their father over the choice of songs (George thinks "sock it to me" is too suggestive); they actually yell and scream at each other when Donny's popularity begins to overshadow the rest of the group; Donny and Marie get into arguments; George doesn't always agree with the decisions they make about their personal lives. And there are big arguments about whether the family should undertake the variety show, along with lots of arguments during its production.
Then there's the Fall of the Osmonds — the post-"Donny and Marie" period when their careers crashed and the family went bankrupt. But, even concluding the story in the mid-80s, there's a happy ending as the family reunites for a concert tour.
And Osmond fans, who are going to love this movie, are particularly going to love the ending — the fictional Osmonds are replaced onstage by the real Osmonds, who sing "He's My Brother." The true fans are going to cry.
"I think what we want people to take away from it is that we stuck together through the hard times. . . . It's the difficult times that make you appreciate the good times," Donny said.
E-MAIL: pierce@desnews.com