OK, so what did we really expect from a movie made from a video game anyway? After all, this is the same cinematic sub-genre that's provided us with such "stellar" film adventures as "Wing Commander" and "Super Mario Brothers."
Admittedly, "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" may not be as bad as those films. But it would be a huge lie to say it was all that much better.
In fact, it's hard to think of a film that's been released this year that squanders quite as many opportunities as this mediocre action-adventure piece, which tries to come off as a feminist reworking of the "Indiana Jones" movies.
"Lara Croft" should be so lucky. Despite Angelina Jolie being perfectly cast as the title character, and some imaginative set-pieces, it wouldn't be out of place to call this film boring, since it lacks the energy and wit it deserves.
As for the story, there's less substance here than one of the actual "Tomb Raider" games.
The plot has our intrepid heroine setting off for adventure when she discovers a mysterious clock hidden in her mansion. It turns out that the odd timepiece was placed there by her late father (Jon Voight, in a brief cameo), who realized its true power — that its bearer can use the artifact to find the Triangle of Light, which offers the power to go back in time.
With some digging (after all, she's supposed to be an archaeologist, among many other things), Lara finds that the triangle has been broken in half and scattered to the opposite ends of the Earth.
But time is running out — the triangle can only be used during a planetary alignment that occurs once every 5,000 years. In addition, the clock been stolen by evil Manfred Powell (Iain Glen), who may represent the interests of a world conspiracy group — the Illuminati — but who plans to use the power for himself.
As you can probably tell by this plot recap, "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" is a nonsensical mess — which isn't surprising, considering the story was developed by the writers of such dreck as "Darkman III," and that the script was written by a first-timer.
However, what is surprising is the ineptitude of Simon West's direction. While his previous credits, "Con Air" and "The General's Daughter," weren't good, at least they each told a story.
Here, he can't even get a lively performance out of live-wire Jolie, who's so sedate she seems to be sleepwalking through her part.
And there's no excusing the film's criminal underuse of Noah Taylor ("Shine," "Almost Famous") and Chris Barrie (the British TV comedies "Red Dwarf" and "The Brittas Empire"), wasted as Lara's tech-whiz sidekick and long-suffering butler, respectively.
"Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" is rated PG-13 for action violence (gunfire, assorted mayhem and hand-to-hand combat), scattered profanity and some crude sexual banter, fleeting partial female nudity and brief gore. Running time: 101 minutes.
E-MAIL: jeff@desnews.com