If, like me, you've always sort of wondered if kids ought to have careers in show business, the new reality series "Showbiz Moms & Dads" will help convince you they shouldn't.
Unless those kids happen to be orphans, maybe.
This six-part series, which debuts tonight at 7 and 9 on cable's Bravo network, follows five families as they pursue fame and fortune. The parents all have three things in common — they all want their kids to be famous, they all insist they're doing it for their kids, and they're all obviously doing it for themselves, at least to some extent:
Debbie Klingensmith, who's convinced that her 13-year-old son, Shane, is the next Backstreet Boy, despite the fact that he seems to have little singing talent.
Tiffany Barron caters to her obnoxious 14-year-old daughter, Jordan, despite the fact that the child treats her abominably — and that her new husband lives hundreds of miles away while Tiffany tries to make Jordan a star.
Kimberly Mosely-Stephens seems the least driven of the bunch — perhaps because her 8-year-old daughter, Jordan, is the most successful of the children on the series. But she's an agent and former entertainer who seems to be going after her own lost dreams as much as her daughter's.
Debbie Tye drags her 4-year-old daughter to beauty pageants across the state of Florida. She resents the comparisons to JonBenet Ramsey, but they're unavoidable.
And Duncan Nutter is a 42-year-old aspiring actor who dragged his wife and seven children away from their big house and comfortable life in Vermont to New York City, where they're jammed into a two-bedroom apartment and the kids are forced by their father to audition for various show-biz jobs.
"Nobody in the family really wants to go on auditions. It's just easier to go and get it over with," said 18-year-old Duncan Jr.
"Dad really wants to do this, and so I am doing this really because he wants to," said 8-year-old Isaiah Nutter. "I just don't want to make him feel like he's pushing us too far."
But he is. At best, it's pathetic. At worse, it's psychological child abuse.
"Friends of mine say, 'All you do is bark commands,' " Nutter says. "And I say, 'Well, when you have a boatload of kids then you can tell me how to do it. But until then, I'm just going to have to do it my way.' "
Regardless of the fact that none of his children seem interested in making his dreams their own.
All the parents go out of their way to justify their behavior, the common refrains being that it's all about their kids; it's good for their kids; it's what their kids really want.
"Sometimes I'm very tough on Jordan, but at the end of the day she knows that it's all about love," Kimberly Mosely-Stephens says after seeing her daughter cry her way through ballet lessons.
While Debbie Tye insists, "Most of it's just for her," she also admits — perhaps without realizing it — that she expects her 4-year-old daughter to make up for what she perceives as her own childhood failings. "I don't want her to be like I was as a child. I want her to be outgoing and friendly and to have a personality."
And if you need evidence of just how obsessed this woman is, she says, "We can easily spend $20,000 a year between the hair and makeup, the hotels, the entry fees, getting the clothes."
Twenty grand a year? What if she saved that money for the child's education?
It's not just the parents who act badly in "Showbiz Moms & Dads," however. Jordan Barron's behavior is abominable — she insults and swears at her mother, showing her no respect whatsoever.
"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't in it for the money," Jordan Barron says later. "Because the money is great, let me tell you. I can't wait to be famous, and I can't wait to make millions of dollars for shooting one film."
Tiffany Barron didn't ask for advice, but she needs to get that girl out of California and away from the entertainment industry as quickly as possible. If for no other reason than her daughter seems completely unprepared for the realities of Hollywood — like when she gets rejected after an audition.
"The feedback that I got wasn't based on my talent, it was based on my look. And I think for somebody to judge somebody by the way that they look at that point in time, is wrong," Jordan Barron says.
Well, guess what? That's what show business is all about — you can be the most talented actor on Earth, but if you don't have the look they're after, you're not going to get the job.
It's tough, but it's the truth. And it's hard enough for adults to deal with that truth, let alone children.
Granted, the editing in "Showbiz Moms & Dads" doesn't do much to make these people look good. Like when the narrative cuts from an interview clip of Debbie Tye saying, "We let her run around and play and just be a little girl," to a clip of her telling little Emily not to bounce around because she'll mess up her hair. Or when she counters criticism by saying, "My answer to that is always, 'Look at her. Does she look like a happy child?' " and the producers splice in a scene of the girl crying because she doesn't want to go on.
But it doesn't change the fact that, what these parents say and what they're seen doing are often very different things.
You might wonder why anyone would agree to take part in this series, given the possibility — even probability — that it will make its subjects look bad. But it's obvious that none of these people believe that anything they're doing is in any way questionable.
But it's also obvious that most of these people are so desperate for their 15 minutes of fame that they were willing to take whatever risks they had to just to be on TV.
Scary.
E-mail: pierce@desnews.com