Dear Harlan: My boyfriend of one year broke up with me and kicked me out of our apartment. I moved here to be with him. I didn't have anyone else here and was helpless. I was going to school and working, so I couldn't just leave.
I found a room for rent until the end of the semester. At first, he said he wanted me back and he missed me. A week later, he hates me. He e-mailed me saying he hates me and that I'm ugly, pathetic and need to get a life. He wishes he never met me. He doesn't think I loved him as much as he loved me.
I hope this time will help me get my life together again, but I can't help but hold on to this pain. I know I don't want somebody like that in my life, but I just don't understand how someone could say such hurtful things with absolutely no remorse.
I don't know what to do. — Out and Lost
Dear Out and Lost: Hold on one sec — I need to wait for my blood to stop boiling before replying.
OK (it's just simmering). Without question, YOU are beautiful, sensitive and too strong for him. HE is sad, weak, mean, angry, ugly, toxic and abusive. His goal is to break you down to the point where you feel like nothing — then he'll come in and rescue you. STAY AWAY.
Don't answer his e-mails. Ignore his phone calls. He might apologize to get you back, but all he wants back is control.
Hope that he gets help. He's sick. That's how someone could be so terrible. That's what sad, pathetic abusers do.
Be grateful you're out of his world — it's a gift.
Dear Harlan: My daughter is 19 and has been with her boyfriend for four years. A couple of years ago, I suggested she start going out with other guys. Instead, at 17, she told me that she loved her boyfriend and they were ready to commit.
Now she is having second thoughts. She said they talked, and she told him that she wanted time to herself and that the conversation went well. According to her boyfriend, who came over to our house, she changed her mind and told him they would still go out, but she would call him. He shouldn't call her.
He has not been eating for the past two days. My husband and I have really grown to love her boyfriend and don't think she is treating him right. I will always be on her side, but it's upsetting to see how she's treating him. What advice can you offer? — Broken-Up Mom
Dear Broken-Up Mom: You and your husband seem crushed. It's tough breaking up with your daughter's first love.
Honestly? You're WAAAY too involved. Your daughter is an adult, and there are two sides to this love story. Who's to say her boyfriend isn't manipulating you so that he can get you on his side? He's definitely got you wrapped around his finger.
Even if what he said is true, a stronger man wouldn't put up with this. Your daughter might need someone more mature who will set her straight. There's nothing wrong with suggesting she be straightforward with him, but be careful not to get any more involved than that.
It's her relationship, even if it's the entire family's breakup.
Harlan is the author of "The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College" (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614. © Harlan Cohen 2005 Dist. by King Features Syndicate Inc.