THE HONEYMOONERS — * — Cedric the Entertainer, Mike Epps, Regina Hall, Gabrielle Union; rated PG-13 (vulgarity).
"The Honeymooners" doesn't need to be compared with anything to show that it isn't funny. It does the job just fine on its own.
For the record, however, "The Honeymooners" is based on the classic CBS television series that starred Jackie Gleason and Art Carney. That's the only reason the word "classic" can be used in the same sentence with the new big-screen adaptation.
The word most likely to be associated with "The Honeymooners" is "misery." The film stumbles from one level of pain to another. The actors themselves seem uncomfortable as they struggle to find humor, but their distress is nothing next to the agony through which they put the audience.
In "The Honeymooners," Ralph Kramden (Cedric the Entertainer) is a New York City bus driver who's constantly coming up with ideas he thinks will make him rich. They don't. After six years of marriage, wife Alice (Gabrielle Union) is itching to move out of their cramped apartment and into a house, possibly a duplex with their best friends the Nortons, Ed (Mike Epps) and Trixie (Regina Hall). But with real-estate prices rising and Ralph's schemes cutting into their savings, her dream seems hopeless.
Ralph's latest disasters — investing in unofficial Mets merchandise and a vintage Pullman car — go typically awry. Meanwhile, Alice and Trixie, who work at a diner, learn that a customer, Miss Benvenuti (Alice Drummond), is about to sell her house; she's willing to sell directly to the Kramdens and Nortons instead of to slimy yuppie developer William Davis (Eric Stoltz).
The script-by-committee (Danny Jacobson, David Sheffield, Barry W. Blaustein and Don Rhymer are credited) features more fizzled jokes than perhaps any other film in history. Of the movie's two laughs, one was probably on the page while the other definitely evolved from the physicality of Cedric and Epps.
Changing the cast from white to black isn't the problem. The script is the problem. It's like a tired, formulaic sitcom pilot — junked up with quirky bus riders, diner denizens and racetrack oddballs who add nothing — that never would have aired. Director John Schultz ("Like Mike") abets every cliche.
While Cedric, Epps, Union and Hall have made good comedies before, they're wading in concrete here. There's no chemistry to be felt. The only character with personality is Iggy the dog (and it took four canines to play him).
There may be some who welcome the release of "The Honeymooners." Manufacturers of pain relievers might do well to set up stands outside theaters. They would do a booming business.
"The Honeymooners" is rated PG-13 for some innuendo and rude humor. Running time: 90 minutes.