DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS? — ★1/2 — Hugh Grant, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sam Elliott; rated PG-13 (violence, profanity, vulgarity, slurs, brief drugs, brief sex); in general release
Practically the only laughs in "Did You Hear About the Morgans" come when the film's characters chuckle at one of their own wisecracks, retorts or other jokes.
Otherwise, this alleged screwball comedy is almost laughless. It's one of the most surprising comedy duds of the year.
What makes it surprising is that it comes from the sort of people who should have known — and done — better. That includes Marc Lawrence, the writer/director of both "Two Weeks Notice" (2002) and "Music and Lyrics" (2007).
Neither of those films were side-splittingly funny, but at least they did have some charming and smile-worthy moments. Here Lawrence re-teams with the star of those earlier films, Hugh Grant, with much worse results.
The title characters are Paul and Meryl Morgan (Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker), a squabbling New York couple.
In fact, they've been separated for a few months, ever since Paul's infidelity was discovered.
But they're forced to reconcile — sort of — when they witness the murder of an arms dealer. The killer (Michael Kelly) also tries to dispatch Meryl, so the Morgans are placed in productive custody.
As part of the witness relocation program, these two fish out of water are sent to tiny Ray, Wyo. Local sheriff Clay Wheeler (Sam Elliott) is supposed to keep them safe. And he's aided by a deputy, Emma (Mary Steenburgen), who just happens to be his wife.
Lawrence's plotting is by-the-numbers and predictable, and the attempts at humor are disastrous.
Worse, Grant and Parker have absolutely zero chemistry. It seems hard to believe that Paul would be putting this much effort into winning over the shrewish, unpleasant Meryl — especially given Parker's charmless performance.
Elliott and Steenburgen fare a little better, despite having to overcome some down-home cliches and dialogue.
"Did You Hear About the Morgans?" is rated PG-13 and features some violent content and imagery (a stabbing, gunplay and shootings, animal violence and some slapstick), scattered strong profanity, some suggestive references and language (including some vulgar slang), derogatory language and slurs, brief drug content and references (animal deterrent sprays and pain relievers), and a brief sex scene (implied). Running time: 103 minutes.
e-mail: jeff@desnews.com