Toward the end of my mission, one of my responsibilities was to pick up the new missionaries at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport every six weeks. As we drove the "greenies" to the mission home, my companion and I would try to get them excited to start proselyting, and they usually didn't need much encouragement.
But it was never long before one of them asked the question that was on most of their minds:
"So, Elder Coppins, did you leave a girlfriend behind?"
I would answer in the affirmative, knowing the next question before they asked it.
"Did she 'Dear John' you?"
And, like most missionaries in that situation, I had to answer "yes."
The "Dear John" letter seems to permeate every corner of Mormon missionary culture, from the MTC to the exit interview, and many missionaries live in daily fear of the dreaded dismissal epistle.
Of course, we all know the smartest route for mission-bound young men is to avoid the complications and potential heartbreak of serious dating. But many of us just can't seem to help ourselves. And so we flirt, date, find girlfriends and sometimes even start talking marriage all before we put in our papers and get our calls.
Since reliable statistics are hard to come by, nobody knows for sure how many girls actually end up waiting for their missionaries. One oft-cited study supposedly conducted by a BYU student a while back shows that only 10 percent of girlfriends wait, and of that group, only 3 percent end up marrying the missionary they waited for. The study's methodology has been criticized and the source isn't even entirely verifiable, but if those numbers are anywhere close to accurate, that means an awful lot of "Dear John" letters are being sent out every year.
Mine came when I had been on my mission about 14 months. She said she still loved me but that it just wasn't healthy for her to keep waiting and writing (she was probably right). She threw out a few other excuses (her sisters didn't like me, she needed to live her life, etc., etc.), but she concluded with a promise not to write anymore.
And she kept that promise — until the last weekend of my mission.
Obviously unmarried and apparently curious, she said she was excited to see me when I got home. I agreed, but not without seeking revenge with a little mind game.
I responded, "You probably haven't seen any pictures of me lately, so I have to warn you: I've gained about 75 pounds and lost most of my hair."
It took her a few days before she responded.
To her credit, she did eventually respond, and I imagine she was pleasantly surprised to find out that I had lied in my response. After a couple of dates, though, we realized it wasn't going anywhere, so we went our separate ways.
My story is by no means unique and neither is the moral: Looking back on it, I couldn't be happier with my Dear John letter, because about a year later I ended up marrying the love of my life.
That said, young missionaries entering the MTC don't have the advantage of hindsight, and most of them just want to be comforted. President Monson seems to understand this. When he spoke at the MTC while I was there, he assured us that some of our girlfriends would wait and told us not to pay attention to the naysayers if it would distract us from our service.
So years later, when I taught in the MTC and missionaries would ask me to predict the future of their relationships with their girlfriends, I always tried to stay upbeat. Because contrary to conventional wisdom, it doesn't really help most missionaries to tell them, "Just forget about her and focus on the work!"
I would tell them to expect the best. I would tell them about how my mom waited for my dad. And I would tell them that if they worked as hard as they could, things would work out, if not with the girl they left behind, with someone much better.
McKay Coppins is a journalism major at Brigham Young University. His weekly column chronicles the Mormon twenty-something experience.
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