Dear Dr. Elia,
My husband was addicted to porn for the last four years before we got married. We've only been married for 10 months, and I've been dealing with it since I saw the signs of lust and found out he was viewing porn on television the second month we were married. He claims he has stopped viewing any type of porn and just struggles with the lust. I can't go anywhere with him without him struggling and looking at other women's bodies. He's doing better than he was at first, but it's still hard for me. My question is how do we deal with this and keep our marriage? He is trying to change, but although he knows trust will take time, he wants me to connect fully with him emotionally. Is it possible for me to do that?
Thank you,Marie
Dear Marie,
That is a tough way to start off your marriage, but you're certainly not alone. I receive questions similar to yours every day. Although I have written several articles on this subject (see previous articles at www.mormontimes.com) I would like to share with you a couple of thoughts. Anyone who's been addicted to porn is also very capable of dishonesty. Unfortunately, one of the first casualties of any addiction is integrity. What one claims to be the truth versus what actually is the truth are quite often two different things. After working with addicts for the last two decades, I can promise you that it's highly unlikely he's over his addiction to porn. It sounds more like he's "white-knuckling" his pornography addiction, and it's manifesting itself through lust.
It is every woman's right to be able to go out to dinner with her husband and not have to worry if he's checking out all the other women's bodies? I know you're just newlyweds, but this is no way for you to live your life. The way to deal with this and keep your marriage, like you stated, is pretty straightforward. The most loving thing you can do for him is to highly encourage him to seek outside help. There are now more resources than ever available to help him with his addiction.
The first step is to make an appointment and meet with his ecclesiastical leader. You can do this together if you'd like, so the bishop can get your perspective as well. Addicts tend to downplay or rationalize away their behaviors — at least initially. Your bishop will most likely refer him to the LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program. Most bishops should have a copies of the "12-Step Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing" workbook.
There are weekly addiction recovery meetings taking place at church buildings throughout the country. It is imperative that your husband begins to attend these weekly meetings and works on the 12 steps of recovery. Additionally, he needs to stay in close contact with his bishop and have frequent "accountability" visits with him.
Finally, he also might need to meet one-on-one with an expert in pornography addiction. It would be preferable to meet with someone who shares the same values, but if one is not available in your area, then any good professional with such an expertise would suffice. If he does all three of these consistently, then there's great hope that he can learn to live his life without the destructiveness of pornography and lust. If he refuses to do all of the above, then in essence he's saying that he will continue off and on to engage in these types of behaviors. I hope and pray that he will have the courage, humility and faith required to take these steps so he can ensure a better life with you by his side.
In the end, this will be his choice. If he invites the Spirit in his life and seeks the Lord's guidance and protection and does all that's required, then his and your life will have a very different outcome. There are many couples I've known who have reconnected physically, emotionally and spiritually as a result of their healing. It's possible, but it requires a lot of hard work, dedication and faith.
Good luck and stay strong in your standards.