Editor's note: Last of four articles
We have a daughter-in-law who marched through the Harvard graduation line in the third trimester of her pregnancy.
She was a huge curiosity (excuse the pun) and made the front page of the Harvard Crimson Newspaper. "Just imagine," the article said, "someone having a child while still in college! Someone who is married while still an undergraduate!"
It was unheard of. The reporter who wrote the article searched the Harvard student body and found that there were only 12 married or engaged students in the entire student body.
He should have visited BYU.
Is waiting to marry until you have a job and a house the right thing to do? Or is marrying early and struggling along together the right thing? Of course the answer is that there is no one "right way." Everyone has to find what is right for them.
What bugs us is the growing sentiment in favor of waiting, waiting, waiting, even when two people feel that they have found each other and that they want to share their lives.
It may be right for some, but it is certainly not right for all.
We married while Linda was still an undergraduate and Richard was just starting graduate school. The first years were a challenge, to say the least. We had a $10 per week food budget the two years we were in Boston and had to spend most of it at the outdoor Haymarket Square vegetable market because that is where we could get the most for our money. Our first child came during those penniless first two years, and squeezed our budget even tighter. We drove a 15-year-old car (when we had a buck or two for gas) and our idea of entertainment and recreation was to make paper airplanes with other poor graduate school couples and see who could fly one across the Charles River from the balcony of our tiny high-rise married student housing unit.
But we look back on those "starving" years with relish, and with joy. The struggle and the budgeting and the going without drew our little beginning family together and made us more appreciative of the few little things we were able to have later on.
The fact is that no one ever knows when he or she will meet the right person. Falling in love is not something we can program or time-manage. When it happens, people are not always "ready" for it. It is not always the "best time." It may be a little earlier or a little later in life than the "ideal."
But when it happens, and when you know it has happened, why wait? Is it better to struggle together or separately? Are marriage and family really about being comfortable and convenient?
Now lest anyone think we are sanctioning or recommending teenage marriage or having kids on a whim, let us say that of course it is wise to be reasonable. Waiting for a mission, for getting into and getting started with university, or for parents and families to become better acquainted and to approve of one another — all are almost always good ideas. What we are against is waiting just for convenience and comfort — which is almost always a bad idea. Make deliberate, well-considered decisions based on your mind and your heart — and not on the prevailing public sentiment. And of course the real basis of all important decisions should be faith and prayer and the answers they can bring.
Conclusion: As we complete this four-part series on myths that can discourage parents and undermine families, our advice is simple: Don't believe any of the four myths.
You do not HAVE to have two incomes to raise a family.
It DOESN'T cost a half million dollars to raise a child.
Aggressive, career-oriented persons CAN still prioritize their kids and families.
And waiting to marry until school is done and financial comfort is achieved is NOT the only wise or prudent way to go.
See you here next week when we will start a new mini-series on three counterfeit attitudes that can often deceive us and make our lives less worth living.
The Eyres' newest books are "The Entitlement Trap: How to rescue your child with a new family system of choosing, earning, and ownership" and "5 Spiritual Solutions for Everyday Parenting Problems." Richard and Linda are the founders of Joyschools.com and New York Times No. 1 best-selling authors who lecture throughout the world on family-related topics. Visit the Eyres anytime at www.TheEyres.com or at www.valuesparenting.com.