If there’s anything to be gleaned from this week’s episode of “The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City,” it’s an important lesson in what not to do when traveling.
This is a lesson we’ve all had to learn in one way or another. Probably the hard way.
You think you want to hit the ground running. “Power through the jet lag,” you’ve been told. And yes, if you have any hope of getting on a somewhat normal sleep routine for your trip, it’s best not to crash in a bed and nap for seven hours after arrival.
But also, this is not the time to participate in any sort of activity that requires conversation or being nice, because your mood will be wretched and your body exhausted, which is a recipe for ruining relationships. It’s also a recipe for hilarious television.
Which is exactly what episode 13 of RHOSLC delivers.
At the start, the women are packing their bags for Bermuda with varying degrees of excitement. Whitney Rose is still in the throes of grief, having just lost her best friend, and when she and Lisa Barlow arrive at the airport, they do not speak to each other, both clearly still harboring resentment from their confrontation at Meredith’s party.
The women pop sleeping pills as they board the flight, and before they know it, they’re in Bermuda.
But they’re not thriving.
Meredith Marks is shivering and can barely hold her head up. Turns out she took double the recommended dose of her sleeping pill “on accident.”
The sprinter van full of Salt Lake housewives arrives at the rental mansion. The women start claiming their rooms, as is their custom.
All Meredith wants is a room with a bathtub. But because she can barely walk, she’s the last to claim a living space and gets the one room without a bathtub.
At lunch, Meredith announces that she is not feeling well and is going to her room to rest. When the other women ask which room she’ll be in, she tells them, in as snarky a tone as the iconically monotone Meredith can muster, “It’s whatever room was left without a bathtub.”
Monica Garcia takes it upon herself to prepare a plate for Meredith and deliver it to her room, where she finds Meredith in bed, only sort of coherent. Meredith does manage to tell Monica that her feelings are hurt because she didn’t get a bathtub. “It shows the level of respect I have from the women in this group,” Meredith says. Seriously.
Meanwhile, Heather Gay and Lisa sit down for lunch, and Heather tells Lisa that Whitney told her she believes she’s helping Lisa become a better person. Lisa doesn’t love hearing that Whitney has turned herself into her unofficial life coach.
Monica finds Lisa and Heather and relays Meredith’s message. They all agree that yes, they feel bad, but not bad enough to give up their rooms, which have amazing views. And I’ll be honest, on this, I’m on their side.
In a rare glimpse through the fourth wall, we see the text from a producer asking Meredith how she’s doing. Meredith responds that she’s really not doing well. So we get our first medic visit of the season which is always an exciting moment.
The doctor determines that Meredith is just a little dehydrated and administers an IV.
The other women get dressed and head to the beach for a rum tasting. “Where is Meredith?” someone asks. Heather explains, then adds, “She’s trying to rally.”
“Now we know why Meredith was so good at churning butter,” Lisa says in a confessional. “She really knows how to milk things.” That’s harsh, yes. But is it wrong?
Up in her room, Meredith is still lying in bed while a makeup artist does her face. And soon enough, Meredith is dressed, her hair is done, and she’s in the sprinter van with the rest of the women on their way to dinner.
“I have a question for everyone in this car,” she says, then asks, “Who here has a room with a bathtub in it?”
The other women all sheepishly raise their hands. Meredith proceeds to chastise them for not giving her a room with a bathtub, knowing how sick she was. To which Lisa asks, “So who’s supposed to give up their room with the bathtub?” No one volunteers.
In a confessional, Heather says, “Less than an hour ago, Meredith was on death’s door, and now she’s pouncing on us like she drank from the fountain of youth.” Again, harsh, but Meredith does have a history of exaggerating her brushes with death. Like the time her Suburban hit a snow bank and she called it a “near-death experience.”
The rest of the van ride turns into an argument between Meredith and Angie Katsanevas until they arrive at their beachfront restaurant.
Once seated, nary a soul at the table is smiling. Immediately after they order appetizers, Meredith begins again telling the group her feelings were hurt. Whitney uses this opportunity to mention how her own feelings were hurt by Lisa when Lisa didn’t properly console her soon after Whitney’s friend’s death.
Lisa tells her Whitney treated her poorly, and Whitney tells Lisa SHE treated HER poorly. Lisa then tells Whitney that she’s heard how Whitney thinks she’s helping Lisa be a better person. Whitney accuses Heather of meddling in her friendship with Lisa. Honestly, it’s just a lot of yelling that doesn’t stop until Whitney says to Heather “Shut up” although there’s actually an expletive between the two words.
Whitney then tells Heather that she believes Heather is trying to ruin Whitney and Lisa’s friendship. “You guys are so jealous of the fact that Lisa and I are friends,” she adds.
Look. Whitney isn’t in the best mood. None of them are. They’re jet lagged. They’re still coming off the sleeping pills. And they had a rum tasting right before this dinner. Dinner together was a bad idea. They should have toured some sights, grabbed a quick bite, and crashed in bed, which is the appropriate plan for any travel day.
I’m glad they went to dinner, because these ladies are funniest when they’re at the end of the rope. But I was reminded of what not to do the next time I fly with anyone I love.
Just when I think things can’t get any more unhinged, once home, Monica and Meredith are alone in the kitchen, and they start talking about their belief that Angie is part of the Greek mafia, based on an anonymous Instagram DM. It’s time for bed, ladies.
May they get a good night’s rest, and may the rest of us use caution when medicating before a flight.