You know that part of the movie “Taken” where Liam Neeson gives his iconic speech to his daughter’s kidnappers? In it, he says, “What I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career.”

I, too, have a very particular set of skills, acquired over a very long career. The skills? Identifying any and all members of the Osmond family. The career? Living among and in awe of said family nearly all my life. 

It is with that very particular set of skills acquired over a very long career that I am watching “Claim to Fame” in complete astonishment. I am absolutely baffled by the contestants’ inability to identify the obvious Osmond in the group.

I mean, look at him.

Chris appears on ABC’s “Claim to Fame.” | ABC

Look at that nose. Look at the hair. No one has ever looked more like an Osmond than Chris, who is currently headed to the Season 2 finale of “Claim to Fame,” an ABC show with a brilliant and hilarious premise.

Each contestant on the show is related to a celebrity and is trying to determine the celebrity to whom other contestants are related. If they guess correctly, the relative is eliminated. They are given a number of clues, and my esteemed colleague Lottie Elizabeth Johnson has compiled the full list of clues about Chris so far. They are:

  • His relative was famous in the 1970s.
  • A dog and a heart.
  • His relative has performed in Las Vegas for more than 13 years.
  • His relative is from Utah.
  • His relative has worn “an amazing coloured dream coat.”
  • His relative won Season 9 of “Dancing With The Stars.”

The other contestants’ guesses so far have been Elvis (?), Elton John (?!) and Billy Idol (???!!!). The latter two are very British so maybe the other contestants know absolutely nothing about Utah.

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I, however, know way too much about Utah and its arguably most famous family. Partly because Donny Osmond and his kin lived in my town and his kids went to my high school, partly because the Osmonds are a mainstay in the Latter-day Saint/Utah pop culture diaspora, and mostly because I went through a very intense “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” phase in the sixth grade which started when I chose to see the musical at the Capitol Theater with my family in lieu of going to space camp with my class. Looking back that was a “two roads diverged” moment. I might be on the space station right now had I chosen differently.

But anyway.

I only recently learned this is not a formative stage of childhood for everyone else and that not everyone listens to “Go, Go, Go Joseph” when they need a hype-up song. And that makes me sad.

If you look me in the eyes and tell me you aren’t moved by Donny singing, “Close Every Door,” I’ll look you in the eyes and tell you you’re a liar.

“Joseph” was my whole personality for a year or two, so Donny Osmond became a very important part of my life. And I guess more than anything, I’m sad for the “Claim to Fame” contestants who didn’t have that kind of bond with a teen icon from the ’70s.

No, actually, that’s not true.

More than anything I’m feeling smug knowing that I’m smarter, or at least smarter in this one very specific way, than a group of people on TV. It’s the same smug thrill I feel when the crossword has a clue like, “the state west of Colorado,” or the Jeopardy Daily Double is, “This American religion was founded by Joseph Smith.” I know this speaks poorly to my character. But sometimes that smug thrill is all I have.

It’s possible that Donny Osmond is not as big of a deal as I’ve always believed he is. Believing something is a bigger deal than it is because of where I grew up is a problem I’ve had before.

But having even a passing knowledge of who Donny Osmond is or what his face looks like should give Chris away immediately. If I saw him out in the wild, at a grocery store or in the school drop-off line or the InstaCare waiting room, I would immediately think, “That guy’s an Osmond.”

Meanwhile, the other “Claim to Fame” contestants think he looks just like Jim Carrey (???!!!) and so I have to surmise they have no idea who Donny is. Which is a bummer. But is also absolutely working to Chris’ advantage. Other than one dustup with another contestant, he’s played the game impressively well.

The other contestants are stumped. Gabriel, who I’m pretty sure is Nick Cannon’s brother, got the closest when he suggested “an amazing coloured dream coat,” could be a reference to Joseph in the Bible. The other contestants laughed at him. So I’m pretty sure Chris is going to win.

Which will ultimately be a win for all of us, and especially those of us who have the “Joseph’s Coat” colors looping through our brains at all times. It was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and grey and purple and white and pink and orange and red and yellow and green and brown and blue!