During a university meeting at the beginning of the school year, a therapist was facilitating a helpful discussion on student mental health. When toxic perfectionism came up, the facilitator mentioned in an offhanded way that we have a particular problem with this at Brigham Young University because of “the gospel.”
This statement was not much of a surprise given the seemingly common attitude that BYU students (and members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in general) struggle with perfectionism. Some have even suggested Latter-day Saints struggle more with perfectionism than those of other faiths — including a podcaster who called Latter-day Saints a “notoriously perfectionistic population.”
For a faith that accepts scriptures such as “be ye therefore perfect” (Matt. 5:48), these attitudes can seem hard to argue with. Even many members today seem to take for granted that religious people struggle more often with crippling perfectionism.
Yet at that time, there had been no research that compares the perfectionism of Latter-day Saints with that of other groups. Somewhat ironically, all the therapists and researchers who have said Latter-day Saints are higher in toxic perfectionism than others have done so in the absence of any research to substantiate the claims.
So we crunched numbers on the perfectionism from our “Family Foundations of Youth Development” study of the mental health of Latter-day Saint youth, where we’ve been following over 2,000 youth for the past six years (about half Latter-day Saint, half not).
When we looked at the initial results, it was clear the narrative we commonly hear did not fit the study data.
The biggest surprise
The most striking finding emerging in new research on perfectionism was that Latter-day Saints are less likely — not more — to experience unhealthy levels of perfectionism, compared with other groups.
Michael Goodman’s “Religion and Perfectionism” article provides the first-ever study known to examine these questions. Contrary to what some may assume, having a religious association or a belief in God tended towards lower levels of toxic perfectionism compared to those of no religion. At a statistically significant level, Latter-day Saints and those of “other religions” had lower toxic perfectionism than atheists and agnostics and former Latter-day Saints.
In addition to affiliation, religious salience (how important religion is to a person’s sense of self) was also connected to toxic perfectionism. Those with high religious salience were more than twice as likely to be low in toxic perfectionism.
Although this research may surprise the social media world, the research community should be unsurprised, since decades of research have found that religion is related to better mental health and Latter-day Saints are known for their strong religiosity.
It is not unlikely that the decline of religion in society is another reason for the rise in perfectionism.
How exactly are you religious?
This is more complex, however, than simply saying that religion is associated with low levels of toxic perfectionism. A person’s approach to religion is also crucial. For example, those who engaged in their faith because it was meaningful to them had low levels of toxic perfectionism while those whose motivation was to avoid shame had higher levels of toxic perfectionism.
There were many other important insights from our 182-page report, where we attempt to summarize the best available research, along with new data. We think what we found in our research will surprise many Latter-day Saints (there were many surprises for us along the way). With the sustained secular winds that seem to blow against The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and religion in general, we need high-quality research and thinking that critically examines popular narratives about organized religion, which often mislead rather than inform.
Here are five more takeaways from the report:
1. Not all perfection seeking is the same
Today, it seems there are conflicting views about setting high goals, with some people unsure whether these goals may reflect an unhealthy perfectionism. Many wonder whether the high expectations of the restored gospel are a good thing. However, as Kawika Allen and colleagues remind us in “Understanding Perfectionism,” setting high goals and expectations is wonderful. Phrases like “dream big,” “reach for the stars,” and “the sky’s the limit” are stereotypical precisely because so many have found them to be motivating and help us accomplish ambitious goals.
However, it’s still possible for high ambitions to turn into toxic perfectionism. To avoid that, we must separate individual worth from our successes and failures. A nonperfectionist “may well be disappointed and hurt by failure [but] perfectionistic people are potentially devastated by it,” writes Thomas S. Greenspon, before making a crucial distinction: “Striving for excellence is vitalizing and energizing, and it opens the possibility of continued growth. Perfectionism, by contrast, is deadening, bringing with it feelings of hopelessness and personal failure.”
2. Families really do play a significant role in how their children feel about growth, mistakes and overall worth
Jenet Erickson, Olivia Forsberg and McKenna Schmidt likewise suggest in “Parental Influence on Adolescent Perfectionism” that parents likely have a large influence on perfectionism in their family. An astounding 46% of girls are highly perfectionistic whose parents use shame and love withdrawal (a form of psychological control communicating to children that they are lovable and worth something contingent on how well they act), compared to just 10% of girls whose parents do not use these tactics.
Toxic perfectionism also appears to increase in families that are either highly rigid (little room for individual differences) or highly chaotic (very few expectations). A loving, flexible family structure that supports rather than suffocates seems most effective in preventing perfectionism.
As summarized in Justin’s article, “Perfectionism Across Adolescence,” there are a number of broader influences on toxic perfectionism as well, including a society where (1) there are an anxiety-provoking number of choices to make, (2) polarized and cancel culture gives choices incredibly high stakes and (3) the sense of community has been lost to radical individualism, turning us obsessively inward rather than encouraging us to be outwardly aware.
3. Toxic perfectionism really can hurt mental health
Even as we fall short, we can learn to embrace an invigorating pursuit of excellence without succumbing to the self-loathing and judgment that failure often brings.
Toxic perfectionism can manifest itself in obsessively striving for flawlessness and then crashing into despair with the inevitable imperfections that arise. It may also manifest in a person who is so afraid of failure that they rarely try, or if they do try, they give very little effort. Not trying gives the person a reason for their failure other than that they were not good enough.
As one perfectionist admitted, “It’s better to say I didn’t try than to say I failed.” These feelings of shame and low self-worth undermine our relationships with ourselves, family, friends and God and can negatively influence the expectations we have of other people.
Professor Mark Ogletree argues in “Perfectionism’s Influence on Adolescent Mental Health” that toxic perfectionism is not something to be taken lightly. His work suggests toxic perfectionism has a snowball effect with anxiety, depression and low self-worth — each of which reinforce and are reinforced by toxic perfectionism across adolescence. What’s more, 51% of youth who were high in toxic perfectionism had seriously considered suicide at some point.
One of the most important takeaways for us was the reality that perfectionism does not belong to a single group but is widespread across religious and nonreligious populations. The tendency to tie our value to the ever-shifting quality of our performance seems to be part of the human condition, and few people are immune to this. But Christ’s gospel teaches that our value is tied to the unchangeable love of God.
The research showing that fewer Latter-day Saint youth struggle with high perfectionism would seem to indicate the Savior’s message is having an impact on many families. But it’s also the case that one in 10 of the Latter-day Saint youth surveyed (15%) are high perfectionists and 7% are mid-high to high perfectionists, which means nearly every ward will have several youth struggling with toxic perfectionism. What more can be done?
4. One form of perfectionism, in particular, calls for healing
Toxic perfectionists may believe they are thinking rationally yet may fall into unrealistic thought patterns. The perfectionist may believe that if something goes wrong, it must be entirely their fault, even if that is not the case. Helping individuals recognize faulty thinking and gain a more balanced perspective can assist them in seeing the world as it really is.
In her article “Healing from Toxic Perfectionism,” psychologist Debra Theobald McClendon outlines cognitive distortions we often don’t realize we have. These include selective attention, double standards, overgeneralizing, and catastrophizing.
McClendon also quotes President Russell M. Nelson: “Be patient with yourself. Perfection comes not in this life but in the next life. Don’t demand things that are unreasonable but demand of yourself improvement. As you let the Lord help you through that, He will make the difference.”
Philosophy professor Adam Miller’s essay “Love Is a Law, Not a Reward” also reminds us to avoid thinking of God’s love as a reward for perfection or a love that can be earned. Instead, God’s love is ever present, even in our imperfections. God loved us first (1 Jn. 4:19) and will love us through eternity.
Of course, progression remains essential. Recognizing and working on our mistakes is key to mental health. We become lost when we cannot identify our right and wrong choices. By sensing the Savior’s constant love calling us from ahead and supporting us from behind, we can believe in our progress and feel lifted when we fall. Often, we most clearly see the Lord’s perfections as he loves us in our weakness.
5. Toxic perfectionism can push people away from God and religion participation
Without a controlled experimental design, we cannot speak definitively of what causes what, but we did find evidence of a reciprocal influence between perfectionism and religion. For instance, given that our data tracked people over time, we can see how earlier aspects of religion and perfectionism relate to those same aspects later on. For instance, of those who were highly perfectionistic in our sample (including all faiths), more than one in five (22%) left their religion within a four-year time period.
It’s clear that toxic perfectionism can lead to poorer connections with one’s church and one’s relationship with God. For instance, feeling that others will not love you if you are not perfect is related to less church attendance between the ages of 16 and 18. During this late-adolescent period, youth are gaining more independence, and those who feel they have to be perfect for other people may begin to distance themselves from church.
“But the gospel isn’t perfectionistic as a gospel,” points out scholar Sam Hardy. “It’s just that way by the time it gets down to their families and their congregations and their own minds.”
Perfectionism preceded a decreasing feeling that God is warm and responsive (secure attachment to God). Perfectionism was also related to a person being less likely to reach out to God for help (positive coping) and more likely to feel like God is punishing them (negative coping). Perfectionists are also more likely to increase in the feeling that God’s love and grace are contingent upon how well they are performing (legalism). Indeed, in nearly every way we examined, toxic perfectionism was related to a deteriorating relationship with church and God.
When considering what parents and religious leaders can do to help adolescents avoid the negative impact of toxic perfectionism, they would be wise to focus on strengthening the importance of religion to adolescents and encouraging a more intrinsic motivation for their religiosity. Helping adolescents establish a secure attachment to God is one way to accomplish this.
This awareness also provides important red flags regarding how an adolescent’s approach to religion can be harmful. Understanding these issues provides parents and church leaders with important information that will hopefully help them in their attempts to help the adolescents within their influence thrive both emotionally and spiritually.
Editor’s note: The December issue of peer-reviewed journal BYU Studies Quarterly focuses on Latter-day Saints and perfectionism. With permission, this report included excerpts from that special issue, abridged and lightly edited, with links to the individual articles.