KEY POINTS
  • A BYU review of studies shows parents are apt to favor kids who fall in certain categories.
  • Favoritism isn't just about sibling rivalry; it also impacts a child's well-being.
  • Parental preference can influence a child's life well beyond childhood.

Brothers and sisters share unique bonds that may include shared childhoods, family traditions, sibling rivalries and spats. But one question seems pretty universal in families with at least two kids: Was I the favorite? Or did Mom and Dad always like you best?

New research from Brigham Young University finds there’s risk in the rivalry and perceptions of favoritism. And there are factors that give some of the siblings a head start in pursuit of mom’s or dad’s affection.

The study by Alex Jensen, an associate professor in the BYU School of Family Life, just published in the journal Psychological Bulletin, finds that daughters, the “baby of the family” and those who are conscientious and responsible are a bit more likely to wear the parent’s pet crown. And that honor may come with some perks.

But favoritism can be harmful — and not just for the siblings who don’t capture that coveted title.

Parents slightly favor girls

The findings are based on a meta-analysis that included 30 peer-reviewed journal articles and dissertations, as well as 14 databases. For the latter, Jensen said he asked researchers from around the world if they had unpublished data that shed light on the questions he was considering. He received data that was particularly salient in the United States and Western Europe, Jensen told the Deseret News.

In all, the findings reflect data for about 19,469 participants.

Among other things, Jensen found that parents tend to favor girls slightly more than boys, an effect that was seen in both the U.S. and Western Europe, though only the parents knew it. The kids were largely unaware of gender bias, he said. Girls didn’t feel they were favored more, nor did boys think they were favored less. And the impact of that favoritism was small, though it was most notable in the U.S.

Conscientious, agreeable kids were favored, too, in part because they had less contentious relationships with their parents.

But favoring one child over another has consequences not only in terms of the children’s relationships with each other, but also in terms of how the children fare — potentially both positive and negative for the favored child.

Consequences of favoritism

For example, siblings who receive favored parental treatment might have better mental health than the child who wasn’t favored, as well as more academic success and better relationships, per the study.

The inverse is true for the child who wasn’t favored, including the potential for worse mental health, less academic success and worse relationships with family members. Jensen said they are more likely to engage in substance use.

“But it gets a little bit complicated,” he said, noting some studies have looked at how much inequality there is. “Because in some families, being the favorite kid is like, you’re the favorite, but just by a tiny bit. And in some families it’s a much bigger thing. When it is a much bigger thing, even those favorite kids actually have worse outcomes, too. They have worse mental health, they have worse relationships. They’re getting in more trouble.

“So on some level, it’s not good for anybody,” he said, noting it’s “especially bad for kids who get the short end of it.”

The study itself notes the differences aren’t just about parental favoritism, but being parented differently. It adds that children’s characteristics can draw out or encourage different types of parenting. “Our findings specifically suggest that within families, some children may be easier to parent than others.”

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The study also finds that “parents tend to be less controlling of or grant more autonomy to older siblings,” who are generally more capable than their younger siblings. The problem is, that different levels of control, whether developmentally appropriate or not, “has been linked to lower self-worth and more problem behaviors among the less-favored children, who likely don’t consider it fair,” per the research.

The researchers also said that children and parents don’t necessarily perceive things the same way. Parents and children can experience the same relationships and see and understand them differently.

What parents can do

Jensen tells parents to watch for signs that a child thinks something is unfair. And often they will call it out explicitly. Don’t brush it off, he warned. That child might need some guidance to understand correctly what’s happening.

Jensen offers an example from his own life to point out the need for parents to pay attention and ask questions. One of his daughters was struggling, when she was about 6, with what she perceived as a fairness imbalance. When he probed, it turned out she was bothered that her little sister had more dresses than she did. So he asked a couple of questions: “Where do your dresses come from?” “The store,” she replied. “Where do your sister’s dresses come from?” He watched it dawn on her that her sister got new dresses, too — but also dresses that she, herself, had outgrown. Not favoritism, but hand-me-downs.

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But it’s also possible that paying attention will show how a mother or father needs to alter how she or he parents.

Does all this mean that parents should treat each child exactly the same? Of course not, he said, noting the kids are individuals with different needs. “We’re not suggesting parents feel guilty. Instead, parents can look at this research and use it as encouragement to look at places where they can improve without going to extremes.”

The bottom line? Because favoritism can shape both sibling relationships and child well-being, parents should be mindful and if they see problematic patterns, they can only strengthen their families by correcting those patterns.

Jensen said this in background material BYU provided about the study: “The simple answers are perhaps the best. Be patient with yourself and with your children. Spend time together. Do things together that you like to do. Do things together that your children like to do. Work together, serve others together, worship together. Relationships take time and time together doing a variety of things will have many positive benefits.”

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