Ask any counselor or therapist about the problems of a troubled marriage and their answers will focus on communication problems. That is accurate, but have you ever wondered about the building blocks of a terrific relationship? We’re not talking about perfection but don’t we all want to create better connections with others?
As licensed mental health professionals we have worked with a lot of couples. We hear some say, “I have fallen out of love,” “We just don’t love each other like we did,” or, “The spark is gone,” etc. Unfortunately the word “love” has so many different meanings. However, regardless of how we define love, the specific qualities of loving relationships can be understood.
So how can we build more uplifting and enjoyable relationships?
A couple we’ll refer to as Mary and Dean sought counseling because their relationship was deteriorating. They married because of mutual attraction and because they felt wonderful around each other. After seven years and two children, they were physically drained, emotionally upset and often discouraged.
Mary thought that she was always walking on eggshells because she never knew when Dean would become irritated with her. Dean on the other hand, just wanted everything to be orderly, so when life was chaotic he became frustrated. Both of them had several negative core beliefs. Mary said, “No matter what I do, I always mess up. I feel like I am worthless.” Dean noted that he was angry much of the time. He said, “Almost everyone thinks I am a good guy, but there are times when I really explode.”
Dean and Mary had some individual concerns that needed to be address. But they also needed to work on the quality of their relationships with each other. In counseling they were asked to identify a family member or a friend with whom they had a caring sense of connection. Mary talked about a close friend and Dean mentioned a loving grandmother.
It is important to note that every relationship is actually two relationships. The relationship we have with a relative, spouse, or work associate is different from the relationship they have with us. By understanding this, we can better understand five qualities of great relationships.
How can we understand relationship qualities?
Everyone can gauge the qualities of their relationships. Select someone you have felt close to. For each of the qualities below use a scale of 1-10 to rate how much you have demonstrated that quality in this relationship. Now estimate how much the other person in the relationship has demonstrated each of these qualities and score this. When you complete the exercise, you should have two sets of scores — one for yourself and one for the other person.
It is important to note that every relationship is actually two relationships. The relationship we have with a relative, spouse, or work associate is different from the relationship they have with us.
Here are the questions:
Genuine — Truthful and authentic
- How much am I honest, sincere, open, and reliable with the other person?
- How much is he or she honest, sincere, open, and reliable with me?
Respectful — Self-determination
- How much do I honor the other person’s right to make his or her own choices and to be responsible for them — even when I disagree with their choices?
- How much does the other person honor my right to make my own choices and to be responsible for them — even when he or she disagrees with my choices?
Empathetic — Thoughtful understanding
- How much do I care about the other person — do I really listen and strive to understand his or her emotions, fears, and desires?
- How much does the other person care about me — does he or she really listen to me and strive to understand my emotions, fears, and desires?
Accepting — Acknowledgment without judgment
- How much do I fully accept the other person as they are — without criticizing or imposing my values or expectations on them?
- How much does the other person fully accept me as I am — without criticizing or imposing his or her values or expectations on me?
Trustful — Well-intentioned
- How much do I believe in the good-hearted intent of the other person — do I appreciate the best about them?
- How much does the other person believe in my good-hearted intent — does he or she appreciate the best about me?
Caring relationships consistently score 8 or more. The first letters of these five qualities create an acronym — GREAT. These same qualities determine the degree of caring and connection between any two people, regardless of the circumstances.
Mary recognized that she and her friend had average scores of almost 10. Dean said that his score was at least 8 and his grandmother a 9. With this information, Dean and Mary realized that they could develop these same qualities in their relationships with each other. Dean said, “I really need to work on being more genuine, empathetic and respectful. Mary said, “Maybe I could be more empathetic and more accepting, because I am critical even though I don’t express it much.”
Now that they had a roadmap Mary and Dean each worked to create better interactions. As they focused on becoming more genuine, respectful, empathetic, accepting and trustful, they also established stronger, more positive core beliefs.
The GREAT qualities are the building blocks that determine how satisfied and connected we feel with others. By developing our own GREAT qualities, we can create wonderful relationships.
Gray Otis is a licensed clinical mental health counselor and consultant. Sandi Williams is a licensed marriage and family therapist. They are co-authors of “Key Core Beliefs: Unlocking the HEART of Happiness & Health.”