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What would the original Pioneer Day look like with Twitter and Zoom?

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Alexa Colby sits on the road waiting for the Days of ‘47 Parade in Salt Lake City on Monday, July 24, 2017.

Scott G Winterton, Deseret News

This weekend we celebrate a very unique Pioneer Day. Re-warming an insightful, serious intellectual exercise we perform every few years, we contemplate what Brother Brigham’s entry into the valley might have been like, along with comments from other political personalities, using Zoom, tweets and facing a modern pandemic.

by@prophet.org: Just emerged from the mountains. What beauty and what potential. It was a long trek to social distance away from Nauvoo but, unless the jackrabbits are infected, we are safe from the global scourge. 

by@prophet.org: You’re invited to a Zoom meeting to get organized. Please wear Sunday best for the cameras. No overalls, Levis or pantaloons. No backdrops of Hawaiian beaches. 

by@prophet.org: I call many of you to settle small towns and cities across the state, each 10 miles apart — perfect for social distancing.

by@ldsprophet.com: Please wear your masks at our Saturday evening square dances, but avoid looking like stagecoach robbers or you might be shot.

Spencercox.lg@wokerepublican.com: Important agenda item for Zoom meeting: Naming everything “Deseret” since that name has no baggage and no one will want to change it 170 years from now.

gary.herbert@mostpopulargovinamerica.com: I can help organize this wilderness. I see WalletHub recognizing us as best-managed territory.

utahcountyactivists@nevertooextreme.com: No offense brothers and sisters, but we wish to establish a separate colony 45 miles south of that big salty lake. Here we could create a paradise with no threat of independent thought, diversity or face masks.

utahtechies@wecandoanything.net: Do not worry about anything. We technology companies just arrived, and can apply our skills to solve any problem ... including quick, reliable testing for global scourges.

jennywilson@slcomayor.org: In our enlightened SLCO, we mandate masks (even for Zoom meetings) and sheltering at home (except for protests). I promise to fill the scriptural need for “opposition in all things.” You are welcome.

erinmendenhall@thatotheroutspokenmayor.com: We will establish a capital city as a safe place for protesters, bicyclists, vegans, tree-huggers and any other “woke” causes.

derekmiller@bizguy.com: I envision a great opportunity for businesses to move lengthy wagon trains of goods through a land port near that salty lake. Certainly, there could be no opposition to such a great idea.

mlmmarketers@utoocanberich.com: Eating lean buffalo meat and walking 20 miles a day kept us healthy crossing the plains. But now we need nutritional supplements! And a superior economic model! Given our camaraderie, we can each sell to 10 friends, who can sell to their 10 friends, who can sell to their 10, and so on. Prosperity abounds! (If you get in early!)

dc@utahcoveniencestores.com After a hard day making the desert blossom as a rose, everyone will need cool refreshment. We sense a business opportunity with a 64-ounce dark, carbonated bubbly liquid — low in calorie but very addictive.

seanreyes@agforce.net: I will protect our people against the evils of the federal government ... while they receive PPP loans.

chrispeterson@longshot.com: Let us make permanent the pioneer custom of splitting wards along party lines. I’d have a fighting chance to become governor!

gregskordas@goodlookingandexperienced.com: Justice is blind, and so should be politics. In this new territory voters should be blindfolded so they can’t see who they’re voting for.

mittromney@lovetopoketrump.org: I am truly blessed to immigrate to this mountain paradise by private jet after serving the lobster state of Massachusetts. While I was unsuccessful seeking our nation’s presidency, I appreciate the voters of this pioneer state giving me the opportunity to publicly antagonize the current White House resident.

mike.lee@wannabeasupreme.com: I will stand guard night and day against attempts by the feds to spy on us. Continually rereading the more exciting passages of the Constitution will keep me alert for this important duty.

snooty@whycantutahbelikecalifornia.com: The really cool, smart and rich will settle in Park City, where we will one day view independent cinema and slide down snowy hills on skinny boards.

Stuart.adams@senprez.com: I envision a group of leaders, called senators, providing a public refuge of wisdom, peace and tranquility to counter the impulsiveness of the lower body.

Brad.Wilson@housechief.com: I envision a group of leaders, called representatives, providing energy and entertainment, and a place where Senate bills come to die.

benmcadams@reallyhatesnukes.com: This is a place we can come together and stop nuclear weapons testing in the nearby foreign land of Nevada and provide a safe, popular issue as I seek reelection.

burgessowens@superbowlchamp.com: I know I was brought here to put my conservative skills to use, honed on Fox News, to defeat all those liberals and socialists who are undermining the nation.

johncurtis@lovetobequirky.org: This is the place where a moderate mayor in a conservative county can be elected to Congress and can social distance by riding into the sunset atop a two-wheeled motorized contraption.

Chrisstewart@jetguy.com: Such a bountiful place where I can write books, fly planes, hang with the nation’s spymasters and still get great fry sauce.

robbishop@baseballnut.com: This desert has blossomed nicely with Diet Dr. Pepper, Triple-A baseball and very few Democrats. Truly a promised land!

Obnoxious.pointless@deseretnews.com: Yes, that’s Frank and LaVarr. We’re just happy to so far avoid tar and feathers in this great place!

Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Email: lwebb@exoro.com. Democrat Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. Email: frankp@xmission.com.