If you have ever been sexually betrayed by a spouse or you know someone who has, then you have likely felt or witnessed intense anger and emotional upheaval firsthand. Betrayal trauma anger is the complex anger experienced by a person after discovering they have been betrayed by the very person they trusted the most.
As betrayal trauma specialists, we help a diverse range of people heal from the traumatic impact of intimate deception and betrayal. For example, one female client, who believed she was living a picture-perfect life alongside her soulmate of 40 years, was blindsided after his death to uncover a 20-year-long affair he had maintained in secret. Conversely, a male client who adores his wife was shattered upon discovering her illicit encounters with random strangers while on business trips. Even more common are cases where individuals realize their ostensibly monogamous partner is ensnared in compulsive pornography consumption, prioritizing pixels over deep and genuine intimacy.
Despite meaningful differences in their stories, it’s common for adults experiencing this kind of interpersonal violation to experience significant anger when the truth comes to light.
From a pathological view to a trauma perspective
The complexity and depth of anger experienced by betrayed adults has often been misunderstood by therapists, coaches, clergy and other caregivers, which in turn has caused additional pain for those seeking help.
Historically, the helping professions have viewed betrayed individuals, and especially those who chose to stay in a relationship, through a pathological lens. Betrayed adults were often viewed as “hysterical” or “co-addicted,” or given other insulting labels. Thanks to advances in the mental health field, along with dedicated research efforts, an important paradigm shift has occurred in recent years. Betrayed individuals are now understood to be grappling with psychological trauma and this has led to increased understanding of the multidimensional impact of betrayal, along with what effective support involves.
The Betrayal Trauma Anger Survey
In an effort to understand betrayal trauma anger in a more nuanced and helpful way, a 52-question survey, entitled the Betrayal Trauma Survey, was administered by Crystal Hollenbeck and colleague Barbara Steffens to 297 adults who had experienced one or more betrayals in a primary relationship. The results of this survey were recently published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. Survey respondents ranged in age from 25 to 85 years old (287 were female, nine were male and one identified as nonbinary). Sixty percent of respondents had experienced betrayal in one primary relationship and 40% had experienced it in two or more relationships. Ninety-eight percent of participants identified as heterosexual and diverse religious backgrounds were represented (e.g., nonreligious, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, atheist, agnostic, interfaith and pagan).
It is noteworthy that 83.5% of respondents chose to remain in a relationship with their significant other, underscoring the complex interplay of emotions and decisions faced by betrayed partners.
Survey responses provide clues to help us move toward a more compassionate response to those grappling with betrayal-related anger.
- Eighty-seven percent of respondents reported experiencing “intense anger” — with eighty-four percent of respondents saying they experienced anger more intensely post-discovery than at any other time in their life. Seventy-six percent of respondents also reported they had expressed anger in a manner that was uncharacteristic or unusual for them.
- Eighty-seven percent of respondents reported being angry with themselves and even blaming themselves for the betrayal because they thought they had been “foolish,” “stupid,” or “naïve.” Forty-three percent of respondents reported thoughts of harming themselves, and forty-six percent of respondents felt angry at God post-discovery.
- Sixty-six percent of respondents reported feeling “stuck” in anger, with thirty-nine percent of respondents saying their coach, therapist or spiritual leader did not provide specific help for how to manage betrayal trauma anger.
Strategies for working through betrayal trauma anger
Although anger can serve many healthy and useful purposes, when experienced intensely or chronically, it can negatively impact physical, mental, relational and spiritual health. It is with this latter reality in mind that survey respondents were asked how they coped and what they did to manage betrayal trauma anger. More than half of the survey respondents indicated the following practices had been helpful:
- Breathing exercises
- Listening to music
- Journaling
- Calling a safe person
- Talking about the betrayal
- Yoga
A smaller percentage of respondents indicated that sleep, dancing, prayer and other forms of exercise were also beneficial for coping with betrayal trauma anger.
Making things right
Even the most effective coping strategies cannot alleviate betrayal trauma anger if the unfaithful behavior persists. Although the majority of respondents described choosing to stay with their partner at the time of the survey, research indicates that the most common cause of ending a relationship is infidelity.
In what could be considered a remarkable sign of hope, 80% of respondents said they believed the person who had betrayed them could “make things right.” This belief provides the unfaithful an important window of opportunity to pursue reconciliation (if the betrayed partner desires reconciliation). This is also an opportunity to heal betrayal trauma anger in the most direct way possible — by stopping the unfaithful behavior that evoked the anger in the first place and by making genuine amends.
It is our clinical observation that making things right involves a long-term and consistent commitment to rigorous honesty, empathy, lifestyle changes, accountability, treatment for mental health issues that may have contributed to the betrayal, and action-oriented reconciliation.
Tips for therapists, clergy and other caregivers
Another key opportunity the survey data highlights is that 39% of betrayed partners reported not receiving any specific help to manage their anger from their helping professionals. This gap in support is concerning, considering the pivotal role that therapeutic intervention can play in helping individuals navigate and resolve overwhelming experiences.
Available data suggests helping professionals and caregivers can implement the following strategies to effectively support betrayed adults:
- Communicate empathy and understanding toward the betrayed partner who is behaving in a manner that is driven by a trauma response and engaging in self-blame. Prior research indicates that such responses can also mitigate the risk of betrayed adults developing post-traumatic stress disorder.
- Support the betrayed partner’s decision whether they decide to stay in or leave a relationship.
- Assess how the betrayed partner is experiencing anger at the beginning of and throughout the healing process, watching for changes or cognitive distortions that may be hindering healing.
- Openly evaluate the betrayed partner’s spiritual beliefs and support system to comprehend the potential negative impact of betrayal trauma anger on their spirituality and experience of their faith community.
- Teach or offer resources to learn nonviolent anger management techniques, such as self-soothing exercises, like taking a long walk, deep breathing, listening to music, compassionate self-talk, yoga, prayer, journaling, assertive communication skills, boundary setting, cognitive behavioral therapy skills, eating healthy and drinking water to stay hydrated.
- Assess the betrayed partner for suicidality and offer resources such as the Suicide and Crisis Hotline, 988.
Responses to the Betrayal Trauma Survey provide insight into a valuable set of best practices for managing betrayal trauma anger and effectively supporting those who are experiencing it. This new research also sheds light on the opportunities unfaithful partners and helping professionals have to better support those impacted by betrayal. Framing betrayal trauma anger as an understandable and rational reaction to a deeply violating experience not only validates individuals but also aligns with a growing body of evidence-based support.
Crystal Hollenbeck, Ed.D., is a licensed mental health counselor, certified clinical trauma professional, certified clinical partner specialist, certified sex therapist and anger management specialist based in Florida.
Jill Manning, Ph.D., is a licensed marital and family therapist and certified clinical partner specialist in Colorado who specializes in supporting individuals who have been sexually betrayed through infidelity or compulsive sexual behavior.