A new season of “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives” is out, and I won‘t be watching.
Before you clutch your pearls, it probably isn’t for the reasons you assume.
It’s because I experience deep secondhand embarrassment. Some of us are wired to experience extreme discomfort when we see someone doing something that we find embarrassing. It’s a real thing.
It isn’t just highly produced reality TV shows either, so many of the videos on YouTube, TikTok, Instagram and elsewhere make me cringe. It’s hard to understand why people put their private, embarrassing moments in front of the world for people to consume, analyze and judge.
I’m not saying I’m better than those who do watch. I read about the shows and the people on them more than I’d like to admit.
But it does make me wonder, what pleasure (and anxiety) centers in our brains are triggered by watching these shows? Even as, deep in the recesses of our mind, we understand that this won‘t end well for most of the people and their families.
Reality shows have been around long enough that we’ve seen the cautionary tales — the estrangement, divorce, the desperate scrambling to hang onto fame and beauty as they fade. We’re watching Icarus soar into the sun over and over again — and we can’t look away.
This age of voyeurism, brought on first by reality TV, and then in an even more focused way by the rise of social media, is changing us. Just like your body is changed by what you eat, your brain is changed by what you watch and listen to.
As the politics editor at the Deseret News, I get a front row seat to see how the age of voyeurism affects our civic life. Politics was always performative, but cable news and social media have taken this to the next level.
A wise lawmaker made the observation that in Washington, D.C., there are those who are interested in the business of governing and others who use their platform to grow their brand and spread their fame. Work horses and show ponies. The good news is there are more work horses than you realize. The bad news is the show ponies get most of the attention.
Not everyone who puts their lives on social media, or shares their opinions regularly, is embarrassing themselves. There are many examples of people who have kept their self-respect even though the attention on them is intense. They are those who are self-aware enough, who have the right people around them or a strong enough internal moral compass, that they’re able to be both public and principled.
But boy, it’s hard.
We may go in thinking we can handle the roar and caprice of the crowd, that we can stay true to our principles amid their praise and judgment — but can we?
We’re finding out. Just about every young person thinks they can be a star on social media now. The teens coming of age today were born during the same years social media platforms were created. They don‘t know a world where people don‘t share their lives openly.
This Faustian bargain — the trade we make when give away something of deep intrinsic value for the ephemeral, fleeting pleasure of fame and fortune — is now available to more than ever before.
Those of us who came of age in the before-times should be careful how we judge the young who are faced with this temptation. Few people offered fame and fortune, or even notoriety, turn away.
In the meantime, the moral and emotional centers of our brains are being rewired.
Six years ago a Washington Post writer watched an episode of “The Bachelor” while hooked up to an MRI machine. The show activated the parts of her brain that regulate anger, while also activating pleasure and addiction.
A Brain World Magazine article from several years ago says reality TV can trigger “schadenfreude,” a kind of moral superiority that gives us pleasure at other people’s misfortunes.
People we might otherwise feel jealous of, because of their Instagram-worthy beauty and wealth, put themselves in situations where they end up making bad decisions. And we get to laugh, because of course we would never do that.
But watching bad behavior (or, in my case, reading about it) can also numb us to it.
“A lot of reality stars are becoming celebrities for doing unacceptable things” Dr. Joanne Cantor, a psychologist, told Brain World. “Normally if you were to see some really violent thing happening it might cause you to be upset and get emotional, but if you see it over and over again, that sort of behavior that was once shocking slowly becomes more acceptable.”
We are constantly rewiring our moral compass.
Not all reality TV is bad. There are programs that model positive pro-social behavior like self-sacrifice, overcoming challenges and serving others. That’s true for social media as well.
And the good news is ultimately the entertainment that lasts, the books and plays that stand the test of time, points to deeper meaning and understanding. It teaches us something about ourselves and our place in the world. It often depicts people who are rewarded for lives well lived, and shows the costs of giving in to the demons that lie within.
In the meantime, we need to be careful not to let the yawning emptiness in the middle of this age of voyeurism suck us in.