“The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.” — President Russell M. Nelson
Ever since I first heard that line spoken in the October 2016 general conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have been trying to be more deliberate in finding joy. For me, it often seems to be elusive and fleeting. Could I find even small moments of joy in a sea of not-joy?
I had to wonder about the “how.” How do I find joy in today’s world of turmoil and strife? Or in the midst of personal sorrows, disappointments, betrayals, losses, and on and on? Sometimes it’s hard. So hard as to seem impossible, but since I did and do want more joy in my life, I have made it a personal quest.
I found some more guidance from Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf in April 2024, when he spoke specifically about how to find joy. First, he reminded us, “Life is not an endless sequence of emotional highs ... Feeling sad is not a sign of failure. In this life, at least, joy and sorrow are inseparable companions.”
Elder Uchtdorf then detailed where we can turn to find more joy in our lives. First, he said to turn to God and draw near to Him. I know for me that deepening my spiritual practices has helped me be more grounded and to take the long view. I don’t buy the line that “God won’t give you more than you can handle,” but I do live by the mantra found in Philippians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”
Second, Elder Uchtdorf encouraged us to look for joy. I already knew that what we focus on, we get more of. We can train our brains (and our hearts) to notice more of what we want to see, including things that bring us joy — and things that we are grateful for. One of the scientific findings behind the benefits of gratitude is that we literally rewire our brains to SEE things in a new, more grateful way.
Recently in my church women’s meeting, a neighbor shared the story of a family member caring for a spouse with dementia. In the midst of the hardships that can come with being a caregiver, this family member chose to look for daily miracles, writing them down on a whiteboard in the kitchen. They found joy and miracles by deliberately looking for them and then recording them. It reminds me of then-Elder Henry B. Eyring’s admonition to look for and write down how we see the hand of the Lord in our lives every day. (A practice I think sounds great but have not yet implemented, 18 years later.)
Elder Uchtdorf also encouraged us to “bear one another’s burdens” as a way to find joy. Sharon Eubank, global humanitarian leader for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, recently published a book titled “Doing Small Things With Great Love: How Everyday Humanitarians Are Changing the World” that has 92 different service-related stories. One of her key takeaways is that we are most powerful serving where we live. We don’t have to cross an ocean to serve. Crossing the street is enough. Serving brings joy — and here is what I have found for myself: The joy comes, even when we serve while in the depths of sorrow and grief.
Joy and gratitude
I also know that gratitude and joy are intimately connected. I know the scientific benefits of gratitude, and I also know it’s a lifestyle rather than a checklist item. And yet so often, I find myself forgetting to look for and write down things that I am grateful for.
Brené Brown wrote several years ago that one of the most profound changes in her life happened when she really understood the relationship between gratitude and joy. “I always thought that joyful people were grateful people. I mean, why wouldn’t they be? They have all of that goodness to be grateful for.”
However, she found that “without exception, every person (she) interviewed who described living a joyful life or who described themselves as joyful actively practiced gratitude and attributed their joyfulness to their gratitude practice.”
Grateful people are joyful!
She also found that “both joy and gratitude were described as spiritual practices that were bound to a belief in human interconnectedness and a power greater than us.”
Brown also found that the people she interviewed knew there were differences between happiness and joy. They described happiness as a human emotion that’s connected to circumstances and joy as a spiritual way of engaging with the world that’s connected to practicing gratitude.
This year, like last year, and the year before that and the year before that, I will be up early Thursday morning to cook and get ready for a couple-dozen-plus people to join our Thanksgiving table.
I am grateful for some wonderful, big moments of joy this year: two sons who got married, a new grandbaby and another on the way. I’m grateful for long-term friends. There’s something special about almost two decades of shared experiences. I’m grateful for an ongoing opportunity to write and to be on the radio every weekday — who knew that talking for three hours a day would bring me so much joy?! I have also gained new friends that bless my life and bring me joy.
I’m also grateful for small moments of joy: the gorgeous sunrises I have been seeing on the way to work recently, puppy slobbers, fresh tomatoes from my daughter’s garden and the days, rare though they are, when I do not have a headache. I am joyfully grateful at the many quiet acts of kindness I see all around me.
Another former leader in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder Neal A. Maxwell, reminded us, “We should certainly count our blessings, but we should also make our blessings count.” I’m in. I hope you are too. Happy Thanksgiving!