After more than two decades of working with sexually betrayed adults, one observation is clear: The people walking into my office today are dealing with more complex betrayals and greater psychological distress than in years past.
The rise in severity is unmistakable, and the need for principled, evidence-based care has never been greater.
Dr. Jennifer Freyd, a researcher at the University of Oregon, introduced betrayal trauma as a clinical construct in 1991, establishing a groundbreaking framework for the unique psychological impact of betrayal by a trusted person or institution.
Ironically, or perhaps providentially, the academic framing of betrayal trauma almost perfectly coincided with the advent of the internet and online pornography, which opened the floodgates to an unprecedented spectrum of unfaithful behavior. The rise in digitally facilitated infidelity helps explain the intensification of betrayal responses.
Although there are more resources and certified professionals in this field than ever before, access to qualified care remains out of reach for many due to cost, proximity or availability.
When asked recently about the recommendations I most often repeat in the privacy of my office, I welcomed the chance to share in the hope that it might offer support to those impacted.
Safety must be first
The first principle of betrayal trauma care is to establish safety.
Living with someone who is repeatedly lying, withholding information, violating relational agreements or secretly acting out sexually poses danger, so immediate attention must be given to the consequences of those risks and stopping further harm. Safety work typically includes helping the betrayed adult stabilize and ground their nervous system, address problematic symptoms, set boundaries, identify supports and prepare to receive a full disclosure about the scope and nature of the betrayal.
Practically, safety work involves a thoughtful mix of things one stops, starts or fundamentally changes. For example, many betrayed adults choose to disengage from sexual relations and reassess this only after receiving a full disclosure or observing consistent recovery behaviors from their partner. Others incorporate daily grounding practices, attend betrayal-focused 12-Step meetings and deepen spiritual practices.
It can also be important to seek medical guidance to support physical health — including, in some cases, testing for sexually transmitted infections.
Some are unable to establish adequate safety without more drastic changes, such as a therapeutic separation, restructuring finances if financial deceit was involved or insisting on a change in employment if betrayal was intertwined with a particular workplace. Once sufficient stabilization is achieved, relational repair, if mutually desired, can be responsibly considered.
Trauma is an injury, not an illness
Betrayal trauma is not a sign of weakness or illness. When the person we most expect to be faithful is revealed to have deliberately deceived us, the human nervous system responds as it is designed to do.
As mammals who rely on social bonds to navigate and make sense of the world, when we experience a critical violation of trust by a primary attachment figure, we experience primal distress.
This means the response is more visceral and intense. In such moments, we don’t know whom we can trust, including ourselves or even God. Yet, these responses are normal given the abnormality of intimate betrayal.
Hypervigilance, emotional flooding and intrusive thoughts are not character flaws. They are attachment-based survival responses to a profound injury. When these reactions are framed as “overreactions” or as an inability to “forgive,” they unintentionally compound the wound.
Accurate framing and emotional validation are often the first steps toward stabilization. When I explain trauma as an injury, I frequently see shoulders soften, breathing slow and tears surface as people realize their pain is being acknowledged.
Boundaries are essential, not punishments
Healthy boundaries are a fundamental part of loving, secure relationships. They clarify what is required for safety, dignity and the protection of all that we cherish.
Yet personal boundaries often provoke the most growing pains because many view them as mean, unfeminine or “un-Christian.”
Those with low self-esteem will especially struggle with setting boundaries. After all, we protect what we value. If we don’t deeply value ourselves, it is harder to defend ourselves.
Boundaries are not about controlling another person’s behavior; they are about defining what we will or will not do to safeguard our values, needs and priorities.
For example, a betrayed partner might ask that internet filters be installed in the home for accountability, or that select family members be informed of the betrayal in a limited way ahead of a scheduled family trip so that family members don’t question why the couple is sleeping separately.
Boundaries are not about controlling another person’s behavior; they are about defining what we will or will not do to safeguard our values, needs and priorities.
Boundaries are especially important when a betrayed adult is in a relationship with someone who struggles with compulsive sexual behavior disorder.
As Dr. Stephanie Carnes has observed, “sex addiction is a disease of boundary failure.” Consequently, learning how to identify and uphold boundaries is a necessary component of healing when addiction or compulsivity are in the mix.
Boundaries provide important structure wherein healing may occur. Without clear boundaries, reconciliation efforts may collapse under the weight of continued violations, confusion and conflict.
You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it
Often called the “Three Cs,” this wisdom, borrowed from Al-Anon literature, can be profoundly liberating for betrayed partners. In nearly every case I have worked with, sexual integrity issues began long before the relationship started.
Clinical experience and research both show that secretive or compulsive sexual behavior is not caused by a partner’s inadequacy. While it is emotionally understandable to believe, “If I were enough or different, this wouldn’t be happening,” this is scientifically and clinically unfounded.
If an unfaithful partner claims their behavior is the result of their partner’s shortcomings, this indicates blame-shifting, narcissism or emotional immaturity, not reality. Accepting the Three Cs is not easy, though. Doing so may mean facing that one’s unfaithful partner is not capable or willing to pursue the level of recovery work needed to repair the relationship.
Fearing this, some will absorb the blame or knock themselves out trying to be the ideal sober living coach to keep grief at bay. As betrayed adults detach from giving reminders, buying the recovery books or competing with the highly problematic porn-influenced “ideal,” this can create space for a true baseline of behavior to emerge.
Not all men engage in sexually deceptive behavior, and women can struggle with pornography as well
Many betrayed women I meet remain in toxic or even abusive marital relationships because they falsely believe “all men cheat or consume pornography,” so leaving would only mean encountering the same problem elsewhere. Equally, men caught in compulsive sexual behavior may use this false narrative to justify continued use or infidelity.
Such an overgeneralization harms everyone. Healing requires challenging the biases that keep people tethered to unhealthy patterns. This particular belief also obscures the reality that a growing number of women struggle with compulsive or deceptive sexual behavior.
Remember that sexual integrity issues are not universal, nor are they monopolized by one gender or group.
‘Snooping’ may help short-term, but prolongs trauma over time
I once electronically polled an audience about whether they had ever “snooped” on an unfaithful partner. Ninety percent admitted to snooping at least once, and 40% reported doing so for years.
When asked about the most extreme lengths they had gone to, answers included searching devices, contacting prostitutes, combing through financial records and driving long distances to track a partner’s whereabouts.
I was not surprised when 57% either agreed or strongly agreed that these behaviors had negatively impacted their healing from betrayal trauma. While I have compassion for the pain that drives these safety-seeking behaviors, the fact is that snooping keeps people stuck. The betrayed adult often ends up overfunctioning for the unfaithful partner by perpetuating an unhealthy bind: seeking honesty while simultaneously taking responsibility for uncovering it.
I encourage clients to “go through the front door” by asking directly for what is needed, speaking openly about what is suspected (unless it is not safe to do so) and clearly expressing concerns. Then hold firm safety boundaries until the matter is resolved.
Prepare for and expect a full disclosure, ideally facilitated by therapists trained in therapeutic disclosures. If this does not materialize in a reasonable amount of time, you have your answer. We need not sneak or go through the back door to acquire what is rightfully ours.
Seek healing for personal patterns without taking the blame
Acknowledging issues we need to address is not the same as taking blame for betrayal. We can hold two truths simultaneously: The betrayed adult is not responsible for the betrayal, but is responsible for how they respond to the situation, as well as how past issues may be intensifying their current reactions. These are separate yet related matters.
I regularly encounter betrayed adults engaging in harmful patterns such as disordered eating, alcohol abuse, facing their second or even third unfaithful relationship, disregarding their own boundaries, or acting in emotionally abusive ways. In early phases of healing, some even express that they feel justified in behaving in these ways because of the deep pain they are experiencing.
Healing requires holding the unfaithful partner fully accountable, while taking stock of what is within one’s own control to address. The best prognosis for relationships impacted by addiction or betrayal is when both partners are engaged in healing work. Healing can occur without making false equivalencies between unfaithful behavior and unhelpful responses to the betrayal.
From my experience, the betrayed adults who deeply heal and eventually thrive are those who offload the burden of responsibility for betrayal while humbly acknowledging patterns that have affected their post-betrayal responses. Problematic patterns often stem from relational trauma rooted in childhood, so addressing traumatic experiences across the lifespan is necessary for optimal outcomes.
Unresolved trauma intensifies and complicates how the body and mind respond to significant events. When past wounds are acknowledged and processed, betrayed adults often find their emotions becoming more manageable, their boundaries becoming stronger and their capacity to move forward marked with greater clarity and hope.
Although betrayal is destabilizing, healing is possible. The guidance I most often share with betrayed adults emphasizes trauma-informed approaches, safety, empowerment, boundaries, examining one’s life from a holistic perspective, and requiring meaningful recovery and rigorous honesty from the unfaithful.