As Utahns embark on our journey through 2023, it’s worth looking back on the year before and appreciating how we laughed, cried and fought about cookies, month by month.
January
I knew my year was off to a great start when I got my first positive COVID-19 test. Omicron decided to knock down any of us still sitting on our pandemic high horses, delusional enough to believe we could avoid the novel coronavirus forever.
Since I was quintuple vaxxed, wore a hazmat suit and Lysoled every surface in sight for a full two years, I’m living proof that COVID-19 comes for us all.
February
The second month of the year brought more hits for me personally. A group of “business” bros hosted a two-day conference in the Grand America Hotel ballroom and called it “Alpha Con” — Alpha Convention — even though their logo was the Lambda symbol.
One brave, breathtaking, brilliant woman live-tweeted the first day of the conference and was booted out on the second. I’ve since had to come to terms with this being the defining event of my life, and I’m destined to spend the remainder of my existence in some sort of Uncle Rico reality where I’m constantly reliving the moment security asked me to leave.
March (ish)
In early spring, or thereabouts (who can remember anymore?), the public was made aware of Lake Restoration Solutions’ proposal to dredge Utah Lake, deepen it by seven feet — and make islands for development?
Something something about building a house upon the sand.
April
On April 1, a 23-foot, multicolored statue of a humpback whale appeared in the heart of the 9th and 9th neighborhood in Salt Lake City. The community immediately divided into pro-whale and anti-whale factions.
Rogue gnomes (remnants of a community art project) now border the bottom of the statue, placed there in an act of defiance, which tells you everything you need to know about the citizens of 9th and 9th.
At the time of installation, opinions ranged from “it’s colorful and fun” to “we’re a landlocked state, this is insane.”
May
But the whale could be geographically appropriate sometime in the future, because in May it was proposed that we move Utah to the Pacific Ocean, or rather the Pacific Ocean to Utah via a 700-mile pipeline. The plan would potentially solve the possibility of the Great Salt Lake rapidly becoming the Great Salty Puddle.
It’s important to remember there are no bad ideas in brainstorming, something I tell my editor during every pitch meeting. My solution to the shrinking lake was to fill up every Tupperware container in my house with bathwater — encourage my neighbors to do the same — and then drive them all to Antelope Island to refill it. So who am I to judge this pipe dream?
June
In June the Utah Jazz unveiled their updated jerseys and the internet reacted with reasoned and measured feedback. Oh wait, sorry, what I meant to type was a bunch of adult fans gnashed their teeth and yelled into the void about what shade of yellow unusually tall men should be wearing when they throw balls into nets.
Jazz fans also mourned the loss of Donovan Mitchell and Rudy Gobert but then the Jazz won a bunch of games so everyone recovered pretty quickly. And Donovan Mitchell became the first person to say he loves living in Cleveland since before the Cuyahoga River caught fire.
July
On July 11, Jen Shah, the most bombastic real housewife of the “Real Housewives of Salt Lake City,” pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit fraud after spending a full television season insisting, yelling actually, that she was innocent.
In far stupider legal matters, Crumbl sued Crave and Dirty Dough, firing the first shot in the ongoing “cookie wars,” a term we’ve all begrudgingly had to adopt.
Can’t wait to share my war stories (having to drive by competing cookie billboards on I-15) with my grandkids.
August
In August we nearly went the way of the dinosaurs when a meteor flew overhead and just missed us.
When we learned we were just a fraction of a degree of trajectory from doom, we all looked at each other, shrugged and quietly hummed “I don’t want to miss a thing.”
September
As campaign season shifted into hyperdrive, Linda Paulson, a Utah state Senate candidate from District 12, briefly stole the spotlight from Evan McMullin and Mike Lee by sharing her musical prowess with the world via a campaign rap video. Using sick flow she outlined her conservative policy positions, and attempted to rhyme “awesome” with “constitution,” and “family” with “society.”
Paulson may have lost her bid for state Senate in November, but the legacy of that opening shoulder thrust will hold a seat in our hearts for a long time.
October
“What do you think about the gondola,” is a question we all had to be prepared to answer as the year neared its end and UDOT prepared to make a decision on a proposed gondola to transport skiers up Little Cottonwood Canyon.
My only meaningful contribution to this debate is an anecdote about the time I was stuck in ski traffic for two hours and watched as all the drivers around me bolted from their cars when nature called.
Will the gondola prevent that from happening again? Inquiring minds want to know.
November
In November the More Than A Flag Task Force unveiled its design for the new state flag, and once again, the internet reacted with measured reason and not by comparing the new design to pagan symbols and communist propaganda.
Oh wait, sorry, I mistyped again — people on the internet absolutely did do those things.
I expect the exact same amount of rationality from our politicians when the flag is presented to our state lawmakers during this upcoming legislative session.
December
The year ended on a high note when, for a magical few days, Sen. Mitt Romney had a beard, I made a goodbye tribute because it’s the only way I know how to cope.
All in all, I’d call 2022 a mixed bag, but Linda Paulson dropped a bop and the whale and gnomes seem to have learned to coexist. And hey! That meteor didn’t kill us!