The other day a friend sent me two photos. One was of the marquee sign outside the McDonald’s on the corner of State Street and Center Street in Orem. The sign read:
COME AND OUR
TRY
MC CRISPY STRIP
But the leg of the r in “strip” was worn down so it looked like “STPIP” making the real message appear to read,
COME AND OUR
TRY
MC CRISPY STPIP
My friend sent me this photo because he knows how much I adore the marquee sign outside that particular McDonald’s and how it has never not even one time made any sense. I drive by it often en route to and from my mom’s house in Utah County and am always delighted by the cryptic messages sent by what I assume is an underpaid McDonald’s employee.
One summer a while ago the sign read:
WE HAVE BAG OF ICE
Which read, in my interpretation anyway, like a ransom note. Like, we have the bag of ice so pay up OR ELSE. I imagined the ice was stolen from someone who loved it dearly and this was McDonald’s way of letting that someone know who they should send a lot of money to in order to reunite with the ice. If they failed to pay, the bag of ice would be set outside to melt in the summer sun.
Why just a single bag of ice, I wondered? Was every other bag of ice sold? Was this bag of ice the last metaphorical puppy left in the litter?
Why no indefinite article? Are we missing the s in bags or the a before have? Is it THE bag of ice? Is that one McDonald’s in need of more acrylic letters? Do we need to set up a GoFundMe campaign? I would blame supply chain issues or even tariffs, but this history of nonsensical haikus on the marquee dates back to even before the pandemic.
Which leads me to believe this is a choice the Orem McDonald’s management is making. Perhaps to befuddle customers enough to come in and investigate the exact whereabouts of the bag of ice or discover what, exactly, a Mc Crispy stpip is.
And I think it’s an advertising technique that gets results because Burger King is now following suit.
The second photo my friend sent was of the marquee sign outside the Burger King right across Center Street from the Orem McDonald’s. It read,
TRY
NEW
STRAW
NERDS
Which is very clearly a threat missing a comma. The grammatically correct version would be “Try new straw, nerds.”
This little excerpt of slam poetry is at best a negging tactic — a mild insult meant to undermine the confidence of drivers who will then, after being called nerds, will seek validation and approval by pulling into the drive through and trying the new straw.
At worst it’s a quote from a middle school bully who will slam you into a locker and steal your lunch money if you don’t try the new straw you nerd, you.
There’s no possible third interpretation, I assumed, because a straw made of nerds cannot possibly exist. And I was correct, it doesn’t. But there is something that exists at Burger King that strains credulity nearly as much as a nerd straw and that’s a frozen strawberry and Nerds drink.
The Food & Wine writeup states, “The limited-time drink layers a strawberry — or blue raspberry — slush base with a tangy sprinkle of Nerds candy.”
And somehow that’s the scariest interpretation of “TRY NEW STRAW NERDS,” of all. Because even I, someone who just ate cookies for lunch and has zero opinions on red dye, feel like a slushee topped with candy is a bit much. A bit dangerous even. I’m not convinced that a single sip wouldn’t trigger a diabetic coma.
So maybe it’s not negging or a message from a bully but instead a method of protecting the public from an off-the-charts blood sugar epidemic. And we should thank the good people at Burger King for their service keeping us safe.
And we should thank the good people at McDonald’s for always keeping us wondering what it is that they offer at that location. My best guess right now is that a STPIP is some sort of medical test and I love that McDonald’s offers a crispy option. That I can come and our try.